Unable to forget...

My life, compared to others I know, seems a little bit unsure, but theres been a problem. A problem that haunts my mind, my health and my sanity. I am completley unable to forget about two particular people that I gave everything too, and yet I either hurt them, or I wasn't good enough for. I know this is going to seem like bitching and whinning and complaining, but I just feel... the need to say what is on my mind.

My first serious relationship happened when I was 18. I never had any relationship skills. But I wanted to have a relationship. I saw the two most important figures in my life have them, my mother and father who happened to be seperated/ divorced. My mother was completely timid to get back in a relationship, after her marriage failed with my dad, and my half brothers dad, and finally found someone who was willing to wait. I've never ever seen her so happy before. And My dad is married to a wonderful woman, who showed him the reality about the bible, thus turning him into a Christian. Once again, I never seen my parent this happy before. I saw this effect it had on two people, and how strong it makes them.

Most of my life, I spent moving from town to town. I never had any friends I could keep in contact with, because I grew up in the 90's ( I am 23 now), long distance phone calling with my mother, who had won legal rights and custody over me, was a big thing which she had never really approved. I basically had no knowledge of making friends and beyound poor social skills. Another problem that kept me back was a disorder that seems to be more common now a days; ADHD. I was always getting in trouble. Whether it was because kids teased me and I fought back agressively or I was inattentive in Elementrary school. It got to the point, where my grade 1 teacher was threatening my mother to get me medication, so I could be 'mellowed out' in class. Let's just say... the teacher almost ended up getting slapped in the face with a lawsuit and losing her job.

Finally after my mother moved back to her hometown, things started to go down hill. She was barely making enough to live by. Me and my two other brothers stareved most of the time, and lived of of potatoes and butter sandwhiches. Then One day I woke up, and said I can't take much more. I decided to just run. I didn't know where, or how far, I just had to run and escape. I was reported missing for 24 hours. I fell asleep in a ditch, because I was beyond hungry. Luckily I woke up, and managed to find my way back, because I felt wrong for what I had did. Thus was the result for when I moved in with my dad.

School was a lot better in Shelburne. I enjoyed it, because I didn't move away every year. So I knew and grew up with the same people. Thats when I met my first real girlfriend. I had previous encounters before, but they lasted either a day, or so, and weren't at all serious, just attempts to escape their own troublesome ex's... I met her through a friend. Although he was a bit of a perv, sexmaniac and oddball, he was extremely truthful. He had told me about a friend he knew from another highschool. Her name in this post will be 'Kat'. He had told me she had been abused and raped by her ex multiple times, and the such. As a result, she felt she had to reveal her body parts to others to feel loved. This kind of sadened me. I wanted to help this girl out. I know I can't change a person, or redirect their lives, but I wanted to be their to support her and offer her advice.

After meeting each other threw my friend (Since he had a car and I didn't), eventually we decided to have a relationship. I don't ever think I could've been happier. There never was a happier moment in my life, to be honest. I offered her advice to many of her problems and helped her realize things from both perspectives, and this helped her out. for example she was disobediant to her parents. I simply told her, I can't make you listen to your parents, But i can tell you if you help them out, this act will prove your maturity level, and in return help out your parents in troublesome times (Her parents were on welfare too) and ease the stress. She was reluctant at first, but did so, and started to... beleive it or not, enjoy helping them out. Her parents even seemed happier, as they thanked me several times. I told them, it wasn't me, it was your daughter.

Kat was special to me also, because she was the first person I lost my virginity to. To be honest, I was scared at first. I wanted my first time to be with someone I was going to marry. I wanted it to be special. And prior to making my decision, I had thought long and hard, and If I was going to have sex with her, I would promise her and myself to be like a husband. So Decided against my own morale. A year and a half went by and everything was going by fine... then the problems started. First I was done highschool, and being pressured to leave to rurale area, and move to th capitol to find some decent work, and hopefully go to college. That was when one of my best friends from high school started to make her moves, and slowly convince me to break up with Kat. Finally one day it happened as we got into a BIG BIG argument. My heart ached every moment afterwards... I felt so cold and so pathetic to fall for such a low level tactic. I tried to ask myself if this was the right thing, and I decided it wasn't and tried to patch things up, but it was beyond repair.

Several months passed by. I was stuck in a pit of self pity. I couldn't escape as her beautiful smile, pretty eyes and romantic personailty filled my mind. I tried everything to substitute her absence, reading romantic literature, to spend time at the bar with the few friends I had made, perfect my guitar playing and video games. Unfortunately, video games became my escape. I gave up on contacting Kat as nagged her almost every day. Finally I succumbed my mind to exist on video games. I forgot about a lot of things, including my own health. Appeaently my chemichal inbalance had affected me in such a way it mellowed out my ADHD, which is quite uncommon. I refused to take meds or see a doctor. I just didn't care. Then one fateful day, my high school friend 'Chantal' decided to ask me out. I gave it some time, and agreed.

It was another blissful expiernce. And this had started to repair my gash I thought I could never recooperate from. 2 years pass, and we decided to move in together. Thats when it came back to me. Kat. I quit my 10$ an hour job, and played video games for 3 months straight. I never paid any bills, or any rent... I just didn't care anymore. I missed the romantic time me and Chantal did, but Kat kept getting in the way. I thought I was ready to move on. I thought wrong. And once again Another relationship ended sour. She had finally grown tired of just sitting their watching me disappear into another world of dispair. I wasn't the piece that fit in her puzzle.

Five and a half years I spent with these two beautiful women. 3 with Kat and 2 and a half with Chantal. Every night I sleep, or do anything for that matter, they pass through my head. I can't stop thinking about them. Its been almost three years since i broke up with Kat and 6 months since I broke up with Chantal. I have started therapy back when I broke up with Chantal, but it seems it hasn't done anything. I even started to take pills, and they have little or no effect.

As for relationship wise, I've completley given up on it. The chances of me finding someone who can actually deal with my random ADHD moments (It has for some reason emerged these past few months), my co-dependency and my inability to socialize with other groups of people. I'm just ready to stop looking and live a lonely and boring life. I just want to forget them. I was looking into seeking hypno-therapy, but I don't think they do that here in canada, as I heard a few people talk about it. I know it takes time to forget, but I would think by now, I would be over Kat at least.

That's a strong and emotional story.

So you had two blissful relationships and they both fell apart. And you had a hand in that. Why did they fall apart and what role did you play in those? Those are the questions you have to ask yourself.

In my opinion, I think you need to be on your own and be able to stand on your own two feet before you can think about a relationship with somebody else. With somebody else, the future isn't certain and if you base your need and dependance on them and it doesn't work out, where does that leave you? Crushed and that sinking feeling you were talking about.

I know you had a rough time growing up and that you were lucky to even graduate high school. This is a time to focus on what you really want to do. Another reason why you need to be on your own for the time being. Do you want to work 10 dollar an hour JOBS the rest of your life? Do you want to have a career, something that you like doing, and something that can provide for a future partner and children that you will want to have with that partner? This is where maybe enrolling in school comes into play, that is if you really want to do that. You should be able to get enough in financial aid to get you through it. The longer you wait though, the harder it is, the older you get so it's something you have to start thinking about. Right now.

I understand that you have issues. We all have issues growing up, some people like you more so than others. It takes time to go through that stuff and understand it. More than just feeling sorry for yourself, seeing why things happen and maybe why you act a certain way. You are in control of your own actions and are 100 percent responsible for what you choose to do. You chose to just live in a world of video games and where did get you? Serious depression and put strain on your relationship with Chantel. When she got upset with you, you idolized the relationship you had with Kat when everything was much easier and just thought about her the whole time. You have the power to pull yourself out of this, and you are going to have to because nobody else is going to do it for you. Not another girlfriend or anybody else for that matter.

You seem to be an intellegent person, and I think you are very capable of finding a decent career and a decent girlfriend in the future. You just have to live up to that capability. You have to apply yourself. The sooner the better. It could all start with a little dumpster diving through your issues and why and where things went wrong. Because there are always more then one reason why things went wrong. Blaming it on one particular aspect and forgetting about it is not a healthy way to solve your problems or effectively learn from your mistakes and you are going to continue making those mistakes.