Mistake and honesty may have cost me dearly...

Hello all,

It has been a while since I have been here, kind of swore off relationships for a bit to clear my head.

Anyway, 6 months ago my girlfiend and I broke up after two years after going through a rocky patch. It initially started as a break as she wanted some time apart to clear her head and I agreed as things were really tense. Either way this break resulted in a break-up, which I am sure many of you would say is the ususal course of action.

Well I did not take the breakup well and kind of went in a bit of a downward sprial, started going out a lot, getting quite drunk when I went out. Had a couple of calls from ex at 2 or 3 am when she had gone out with her crying saying how much she hated me, etc.

For what it is worth I had not done anything wrong in our relationship, never cheated, treated her very well but she was frustrated as I do not show my emotions and we had a intimacy issue which she put down to me being shy.

Well as I said I didn't take this well and one night, after we had been broken up for a couple of months I was out in a club and got chatted up by a girl, one thing led to another and I ended up back at hers and you can guess the rest. I felt really bad about this the following day and really regret it, it wasn't me I was just really low and wanted to prove to myself I didn't have a problem as it really got to me as one of the main reasons for our breakup seemed to be my lack of confidence.

I know what I did was stupid and I beat myself up enough about it.

Anyway a couple of months later I got back in touch with my ex as I had found some of her stuff and we agreed to meet up as it had been a few months. It was nice seeing her again and we got talking and spoke about what happened. A few days later we were chatting and decided that we had made a mistake and should try and give it another go.

She came clean about going on a date and fooling around with this guy that she met when we were broken up, I said it didn't matter but she said she just wanted to tell me so I knew and it had only been the one guy. Now ideally I should have told her about my indescression but decided not too. (I know I should have been honest).

Anyway we started to start seeing each other and I notcied that she was in contact with one of her friends friends, I asked her if he was the guy that she had been with and she said no. I ask if anything had happened between them and again she denied it. Well I left it at that, thought she had no reason to lie so that was it.

Now things progressed along, we did not have sex though as she had ended up with a irritation left by the guy (had it checked out and it was nothing serious), this obviously caused an inital probelm but that cleared up but she was still unwilling and very uncomfertable about me touching her or intimacy.

Well the ohter night we went out (valentines day), had a great weekend together (no sex) and went out in the evening. Well on the way she found out that the guy who I had asked her about was going and she got nervous. I asked her why and she said that she had been out on a date but that was it and she thought it may be awkward as I know the guy as I have met him before.

Fair enough I thought so left it at that and we still went. While there she became increasingly uncomerftable and I notcied and eventually she told me that she had lie and had slept with him a couple of times and felt really guilty and bad about it, I was a bit shocked and annoyed as she had lied to me but I could tell that she was feeling really guilty and she asked if I hated her and wanted to end it with her.

At this point, I thought, which I think was the right thing to do, I would come clean and say I undertand where she was coming from as I had slept with somebody else when were were broken up and she had nothing to feel guilty about as I had done the same thing.

I am fairly certian that I did the right thing as she said to me that she thought I was holding something back and again I felt I didn't have a right for her to feel bad and guilty about something that I was equally as guilty of doing.

As you can probablly guess from this post it has not gone well, she is not talking to me (understandable) as she wants to get things clear in her head. Granted she has said she is not mad at me or finishing with me and not too worry but I feel dreadful about it all.

I am annoyed she lied to me when I asked her directly, no excuse but she never asked me about if I had done anything when we were appart so I never said as I didn't think it importantant as she was the one who ended it with me so at the time I didn;t think we would be getting back together as she told me she was ready to move on.

Equally I am not particually angry that she has slept with somebody else when we were appart as I did the same and I can undertand why she did it. It doesn't help though.

Part of me thinks that I shouldn't have said anything as it would have been easier, but then I think how could I build a relationship on a lie so she had to know as she obviously felt very bad about what she had done so I deemed that it was important for me to come clean so I am not being a hipocrite when it comes to dealing with it and moving past it.

Have I done the right thing?

Have I doomed my relationship and basically messed it all up?

My mind is a mess, I don't know where to go from here, any advice or comments will be appreciated.

Thanks,

S

I think you did the right thing.

You both made mistakes. She is trying to wrap her brain around her anger at your disclosure w/o coming across as a hypocrite for her failings.

I'd say you have even odds or better she will come around. If you consider getting back together, I would say you both have to completely clear the air about this or it will come back to bite you.

Give her time to work through her confusion. Spend the time sorting through yours. Whatever the outcome, I think you'll have learned a valuable lesson.

Good luck.

You both did nothing wrong, and right now both of you are trying to sort it all out. Give it some time, if it's meant to be , then you two will come together, if not then you can at least say that you didn't try to be dishonest and disrespectful.

Thank you to both of you, it makes me feel reasured that I did do the right thing. Feeling a bit better today and my head is slightly clearer, glad I told her despite what happens keeping it from her would ahve been wrong.

If she cares for me as much as I think she does then we can both get past this, if not then it is true, not meant to be as dispite the fact that neither of us did anything wrong it was still a mistake to not tell each other if we felt guilty about it and it was having a effect on the relationship. If we get past it then it is a good sign and long term will build a better relationship.

Thank you once again,

S

Well an update on the situation, heard from her a couple of days ago. Asked how I was and suggested that we meet up to have a talk (nothing heavy) and clear some of our demons if we want to get past this and I am willing. I told her I wanted nothing more and that I agreed if we didn't clear the air then we wouldn't stand much of a chance with the relationship.

Heard from her a couple of times since then, just little messages but still better than nothing.

Anyway we are supposed to be meeting up tomorrow (she suggested it as asked what I was upto), well I asked if we were still meeting tomorrow and now she is unsure. Has to go to see her parents and I think they are going out for a meal which I was going ot be going too last week before it all kicked off. I didn't expect to be invited now to be honest given the current situation, however she has now said she will give me a call when she gets up as she doesn't know what time she has to be there, etc.

I may very well be reading more into this than I should but I am a little annoyed that she now seems to be shying away from meeting up, I know that she has plans but she knew about these plans when she suggested meeting up, hence wanting to meet in the morning. It is just really frustrating as I feel like I am in limbo at the moment.

As much as I hate myself for it I am getting quite frustrated, having had time to think. When she told me, she obviously felt very guilty and wanted to hold my hand and was very touchy feely with me, asked if I would break up with her because of it, etc. Acknowlodging that she had made a mistake (although nothing to feel guilty about, appart from the lying). What seemed to happen when I told her I had done exactly the same (more or less) was a kind of double standard with her not wanting to forgive me.

Even more so when I have not contacted the girl that I had a thing with, however I know that she has still seen this guy and rememebering back to the week before when we had been out she had forgotten her phone and recieved a message from him when we were out, nothing serious just something about him not getting into a club. When I was just talking to her and layed next to her in bed, she started to reply to him and when I asked what she was dong she told me nothing.

I really don't like feeling this way, I feel guilty for distrusting her as I suspected more had gone on than she told me initially but she denied on numerous occasions when I asked her, combined with the fact that she still remained in contact with him. But then she has given me reason to distrust her, but so have I so I can't really be mad at her, but I am.

I want to just sit down and talk to her, ask her what is going on and see if we can get past it. I really want it to work out and hope it does but I have been quite badly burnt in the past by a cheating girlfirend and don't want to end up back in that situation, my head is still a mess and until I get to talk to her I don't think it is going to get any easier.

S

I don't think either of you should have said anything about your sexual activity when you were broken up. That stuff is private info, in my opinion, unless there is some reason to think you'd be likely to run into these people while out with your girlfriend.

That said, I think it is appropriate for you BOTH to cut contact with these flings if you want this relationship to work.