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Hi. I lived with a man for twenty-eight years and he left me for another woman. Our relationship was like a roller coaster, but we always seem to connect. I learned about the cheating a year ago. One day he said he was going to work. He called me on his cell to say it was over. Who Does That? I have been trying to move on, but it is so hard. Does anyone have any suggestions.? deanie 44
Work on yourself.
Hang out with friends, start dating when you are ready.
Find a hobby. END contact with your ex. No texting, calling, emailing, etc.
I find exercising to help a lot. Go hiking or running or something.
Also, music has really helped me. (if its not sad/love songs)
Hey Deanie44,
A close friend of mine is currently in the middle of a family storm. Her mother ended her marriage of 38yrs to her dad, the day after her sister's wedding. You're not alone in how you feel.
Firstly, coming on here is a great start. The more you write, the more perspective you'll gain on the situation.
I'm certainly not going to pretend to understand how you feel. I was left heartbroken after a 1yr relationship so yours is quite a different beast. My heart goes out to you.
Secondly, you have to accept what they have done. This for me was by far the most difficult. It took me 4+ months to accept she wasn't coming back. On top of that, you have to accept they are not the person you thought they were.
When you are cheated on and betrayed, everything feels like a lie, It is just so hard to come to terms with. Was it all a lie? When did they stop loving you?
What I found after a while was you will never know the answers so you stop searching.
When did this all happen? Recently?
You'll end up thinking about everything over & over & over again. No sleep, not eating, random breakdowns. Sound familiar?
Please just realise that you have a lot to offer someone. This person, even after such a long time, just wasn't the right one for you. No matter how much you want to turn back time. It was their choice to cheat, not yours and no fault should be placed on your shoulders by them or you.
Gym... this literally saved me from self-destruction. I decided to lose some weight and change my body into something I preferred. Afterall, you have plenty of time on your hands?!!
Physical exercise is often thrown out as an idea because it does a lot in terms of chemical-release. It might not be your 'cup of tea' so to speak but don't rule it out. Otherwise, do something else that means you wont spend your time alone. Join a club, start a new ohbby, anything that gets you out.
Best of luck
L
Keep yourself really busy, sweety, and don't jump right back into dating. You don't want to end up with someone like him again. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of what you THOUGHT you had.
I can tell by the way he ended it that he was no good.
I hate it when people are so sneaky and coward in the way they break up.
Take care of yourself from now on. Forget this loser and be sure that what goes around comes around.
The roller coastery part should have been kind of a tip off. I know you would like to believe that love can conquer all, but when you start hitting those negative bumps and try to push through them or sweep them under the rug it is just building up. To the point where a man of 28 years just calls you by cell and tells you it's over. To the point where detachment becomes one hundred percent complete and he has no remorse and has learned absolutely nothing other than "you aren't the one for him".
While he has been completely and utterly wrong many many times I imagine, you have to understand that you contributed too. Maybe you turned a blind eye to a few things or downplayed some other actions. For 28 years, you must have a long laundry list. What has happened has happened, but I hope you have a book's worth of lessons out of this long, harrowing experience. It's a difficult feeling that you probably can't get your youth back or what you had before, but this is not the end of the world. There are many people that can you will find happiness with, and lord knows that they are much more mature at this age than the age at which you started your relationship 28 years ago.
Write it all out, talk about it, get angry, go through all the emotions. Finding your release is key like many have mentioned above.
Don't bother getting over it. Have your revenge. Find the woman and "take care" of her. Make it your life goal to inflict as much emotional misery on him as possible because, after all, nobody should be allowed to do this to you and they certainly shouldn't be allowed to get away with it. He has no right to leave you and be happy if that happiness requires you be sad. Go get what's yours.
The man things is changing your though. Don’t ever think the man who does not care about you.
It is just a waste at time. You could hang out with your friends or do you hobbies.
I read this interesting article the other day that held a very valid point. That point was that it is not a written rule that two people should be together. This isn't to say that people should cheat on each other but rather that the idea of 'the one' is a misconception glorified by hollywood romcoms. Those films only show the beginning of a relationship or at the very most after marriage. I can't remember a rom com that portrayed a married couple. Anyway the point of this is that the is more than 'one'. Therefore there will be somebody else waiting for you in this world, so at least you have something to look forward to.
28 years is a long time to be married however so I sympathise with you. However he sounds like a twat for ending a long relationship by phone and he cheated on you. That link will be hard to break so I wish you all the best in breaking it. There is no answer to why he did what he did so don't go looking for it. That will make it easier. I suggest getting of the computer and going out!
28 years is a long time, but it's not forever. It's not impossible to start over and reinvent yourself.
Do you have a support system? Friends and family?
Find something to focus on. Going to the movies-at a theatre, not at home on TV-works great for me. When the lights go out, it's just you & the show, and
it can be like a vacation from thoughts of the relationship. Best part? This feeling lasts long after the show is over-you walk out, and you feel better-you're
in control of your own life, you're not just sitting at home being depressed, and you had a good time. It can be other things, too, of course-whatever you
enjoy-but it is really easy to focus completely on a movie in a theatre.