Confused and Lost in Life. Searching for someone.
Hey all, I'm new to this board.
So lately I've been feeling more lonely than usual. I've felt these sort of antisocial feelings toward everyone for a while. For some reason I feel like no one around me has any interest in conversing or even wanting to acknowledge my presence. This might sound kind of weird, I've never really talked to anyone about it or seen anyone of the counseling practice. It's almost like I feel this sort of biased dislike or opinion that I'm a "creep" from anyone before I actually meet them and this causes me to remain more of a quiet reserved person.
I feel like this might be some deep psychological problem deep in my mind that has been the product of a somewhat battered childhood. My parents never quite got along and divorced when I was about 5 years old. I vividly remember horrible acts of violence between my mother and father and the police coming into my home and arresting my father and taking him to jail. Sometimes my father would abuse me as well. Both of my parents had (and still to this day) drug/alcohol problems and I grew up in a lower/working class neighborhood so I had a somewhat tough childhood not very bad but not great either. I had a few friends as a kid however I also had a great amount of enemies too. I remember getting into more fights on the playground in the neighborhood and at school than the average child. This might be somewhat biased but I don't think I was a bully really, I was just defending myself. I was often a target of bullying since I was kinda chubby and I cried often at school because of problems at home. I always had a feeling I would be alone, whether it be friends or a lover.
As I grew older, hit puberty and started noticing girls, I noticed these problems of antisocial behaviors reached a new section into my brain. Girls were intimidating, however I would view that as common for the 11-13 year old boy. Around this time my father strongly urged me to get involved in sports which I did. I enjoyed playing baseball and hockey very much, however he always pushed me too far and this led to a disinterest in the activities. He would always give me negative feedback and never a positive view on my performance. He would often call me fat and out of shape and all sorts of insulting things. I did terrible in school around this age. I had a lack of motivation for almost everything and for most of my junior high years I spent in solitude reading science fiction/fantasy novels, playing video games, and role playing games with a small select group of friends that we're also kind of "social outcasts" While I enjoyed those activities, I leaned more toward them as an escape from reality I could enter a world that I was more comfortable within. A world without the people that I knew. These we're the toughest years for me growing up. My father often caused me to sink so low to the point where I contemplated suicide on several occasions.
Around the end of Junior High and into the beginning of High school I remember watching VH1 and saw something about this band called "The Sex Pistols" I had never heard of them before and I wasn't really into music at the time other than stuff I heard on the radio like Black Sabbath and Nirvana. But when I heard this I felt this leap of emotion that I had never felt before. This was music that related to my life. It was fast, heavy, dirty, and best of all ANGRY. It was like the missing puzzle piece I was searching for in my adolescent years. Punk Rock.
Once I discovered punk rock, I begged and begged my mother to buy me a guitar. She didn't really want to buy me one since she knew I gave up on things quickly and I had played the saxophone earlier on around age 12 and quit that after a year. After a while of begging and begging obsessing over punk records and listening to them on repeat of bands such as Sex Pistols, Ramones, The Clash, The Germs, and Black Flag and hard rock stuff like Led Zeppelin, Hendrix, and Black sabbath.. My mother bought me a guitar and a small amplifier for my birthday on the condition that I take lessons to play it. I started the lessons and my teacher played classical guitar. He wasn't very interested in teaching me the ways of punk rock. So I quit.
Over the summer of my last year of junior high into my first year of highschool I was very much into online computer games. I was retreating back to my escape from reality. The constant verbal/physical abuse of my father would put me in fear anytime I would see him. I lost any sort of positive emotion I had for him. Over this summer I visited a cousin for 2 weeks and came back to find that my mother cancelled my online computer game account. So out of boredom I picked up my dusty guitar and learned how to read music via the internet. And with this, I learned my first guitar riff and I was hooked from then on.
I entered high school and I hated it. I would sleep through class every day or doodle in my notebook. I hated most of the kids there I didn't fit in with anyone. The friends that I had in junior high went off to private high schools and I stayed in a public school. The only kids that I knew about that were into music were the stoner kids that would often smoke cigarettes in the back of the school between class. I started hanging out with these kids even though I wasn't into drugs.. I stayed clear from them cause I saw what they did to my parents. But eventually I fell victim to wanting to belong with my peers and started smoking pot. My grades started to slip and my dad and I were getting into more fights than ever. He even suggested that I kill myself a few times and let me know I was an accident. Hell, the only reason he ever actually wanted to see me was so he could convince me to convince my mom to stop asking for child support. He just did it to get us out of his life.
I wasn't too popular with the girls in highschool either. I just remember feeling like a loser because I didn't really keep up with the cool fashions. I remember one day I showed up to my history class wearing a flannel shirt and this girl said "Hey I like your trucker jacket" then her and her friends just started laughing histerically at me and another jock kid and his friend threw stuff at me throughout the whole block for having long hair. I just learned to eventually accept it and knew there was no changing their minds or becoming one of them. I didn't really want to be I was the opposite of that. There were multiple instances of this till I graduated highschool.
After I graduated highschool I didn't really want to pursuit college, but my mom talked me into it. I kind of wanted to just work some blue collar job like being a janitor or a bus driver. Something to just pay for me to get by since I felt like I was gonna be alone forever (ever since that original notion in grade school). I tried out community college, and dropped out. I had a band going on the side with a couple of really good friends in highschool which was cool and i see it going somewhere but I still had emotional issues with family and everyday life. To this day I still get bullied around in the workplace by some macho ass-holes that take too much pride in their braindead job. To this day I am also a virgin, never had a girlfriend (I've asked out multiple girls in highschool, all of them shut me down) which makes the problem grow more. I did get drunk a few times at parties and hooked up with girls but that's just being stupid and drunk. I still contemplate thoughts of suicide often and how much easier it would be to just sleep forever and not have to deal with how harsh everyone can be based on generalizations. To not have to think about the future or the past. When you sleep you're not alone you're just dreaming.. I often contemplate death might be like that, however I do not believe in god or heaven or hell.
Well, after that long rant.. (By the way sorry if it's too much to read) I feel like what I really long for in life is a partner. Someone that I can relate with. I'm not even really that picky I just want to date a girl that has original personality and character, not one of those carbon copy mall model girls. Know what I mean? This is tough man.. I've never been clinically diagnosed with any sort of depression (never been to a psychiatrist though), but I know what I really need is a sense of belonging and a sense of someone that's there for me as much as I am for her.
I greatly appreciate any help anyone on this board has to offer.
