Dumped

On Friday night I came home about 6:30p which is my usual time as I work long hours on that day. My ex lives with me but he was off of work. He's a busy guy though, always needs to be doing something, so he often gets home after me so I wasn't expecting him back until around 7:00p. I had left a message earlier in the day saying that I was thinking about him and I hadn't heard back which is a bit unusual but I just thought he was on the golf course or something and caught up in his day. Anyway, at 7:30p I started to get a bit concerned and went to check my phone. That's when I discovered that he'd left his key and a note on the table. We had been living together. The note essentially said that he had moved out and would be sleeping in his car while he looked for a place to stay because he no longer wanted to take advantage of me by living with me. I wasn't charging him rent but he'd give me money here and there. He had moved in with me about a month and a half ago. He recently needed a place to stay because he didn't like the living conditions where he was. At first, he was going to live somewhere other than my house and then he decided to move in with me until he left to caretake another property in the Summer. Later, after he moved in with me, he asked me to caretake the Summer property with him and after several requests I said yes. He asked me this a few weeks ago. His letter also said that he wasn't in love with me and that he didn't feel the way for me that he felt he should feel for a partner. Very strong words. It was a shock to me because a couple of weeks ago he'd said there was a lot of sparks between us and he'd even asked me to travel to meet his family in the fall. He also told me recently that he liked it when I talked about us doing things together in the future as a couple and that it made him feel really good. We were even talking about moving to Japan. Now he moves out during the day while I'm working and leaves me a NOTE to say that he doesn't have feelings for me and that he feels he's taking advantage so he's leaving!!!! I was so shocked. He was the one that was really planning for a future life together and I would respond in favor but definitely not the one initiating it. He also said he didn't feel any passion and that we lived together like we'd been married for 30 years. A**hole. There was a bunch of intimacy in the beginning of our relationship but then he got sick and then I got sick. After that we got out of our routine and he'd pulled away so I was waiting for him to do more of the initiating. There was plenty of passion before he pulled away emotionally. Also, in the letter he said not to text him and that he'd be happy to talk more in a couple of days. It just all seemed so callous and it came across as very controlling. The sad thing is that I still care about him. What would you all do? Do you think that kind of behavior is excusable? Would you all ever forgive him? We've been together for about 5 months and during that time he'd pulled away emotionally once before and we broke up for a couple of days. This really sucks. He's so great in so many other ways. I just don't know what to do.

What can you do? He wants out. That's it.

It does come across as controlling, but when you are the one doing the dumping, you are in control of the situation. It is still a shock and probably will be for a while. And of course you have feelings for him. It's been a couple days?

What he is expecting of you is that you will chase after him, that you will text him, beg for him, and so on. It doesn't sound like you want to do that so you are already off to a good start. I don't see what more talking will accomplish. I'm sure you want your reasons and to be able to rationalize this, but what he gave you was reason enough. Good luck with any conversation. The pertinent question in my mind would be "how long have you felt this way?" There wasn't a fight involved, it's not like in the heat of the moment it was "that's it, it's over". He had to have been thinking about this for a while, and the fact that he was talking about all your future plans as little as a couple weeks ago is misleading and even dishonest. That's not fair to you.

Being a person with some emotional withdrawl problems myself, I doubt anything was solved the first time you guys broke up and he fell back into the routine and got comfortable again without any real change after you guys got back together. And what happens when it fails and nothing changes? It will fail again.

I wish I could say something to make you feel better or have a surefire suggestion to fix you guys. If he doesn't want to be bothered, don't. The best thing you can do for this is be indifferent to the whole thing. I'm sure he is going to be frustrated and feel alone when you have no response or any support for his decision. Take it one day at a time.

Thanks cmac, you're right about me not wanting to contact him. I sent an email to him the day after just saying my two cents and that was all I felt I needed to do. I do still have feelings for him but I definitely am not a chaser and hell would freeze over before I call him. If we ever get back together it will be because both of us want to, I'm certainly not a charity case. I'm a good catch and I am not afraid to start dating again and if that goes well than all the better. I don't think wallowing in pain helps anyone and I really feel that moving on would be good for me. However, I also feel like there has been a death so in that sense I hurt and feel like it was too sudden but I also respect that dating someone is a two way street and you can not control what other people do. I hope both he and I find our way through this experience in as healthy a way as possible. Life is certainly full of surprises. Again, I appreciate your response. I knew this forum would be helpful. It just feels good to express myself around others who are also experiencing their own hurt.