For the first time in my life I seriously considered dying today. I thought to myself, who would actually miss me if my parents weren’t around to miss me? Certainly not my older brother who is busy making a family and looking down his nose at me. Certainly not my younger brother who is also busy rearing his own child and being a young dad to be worrying about. Today was particularly a bad day for me. I felt so very much alone. I feel I will remain alone. I have spent well over the last year alone trying to make a small business work at the expense of my social life. I no longer work with people. I work alone. I no longer get to say ‘good morning!’ to anyone. I have the easiest most fulfilling job but I miss people. I grew up moving from place to place and so my childhood friends are few and far between. I don’t believe I will ever meet anyone to care for or for them to care for me because I never meet people full stop. I try my hardest to get out and about but it’s not working. I’ve joined classes, gyms, clubs and even online dating (what a joke that was). I have finally truly given up.
I’m too tired. I really don’t want to exist anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I would ever harm myself, ever, but I just can’t stand the way things are. I meet up with my gal friends every so often and to be honest it has started to feel a bit weird. They are all attached/married and stick together with double dates etc (and girlie bitching sessions which they know I don’t enjoy participating in so therefore i become useless to share sessions with). I suddenly realize I’m not ‘one of them’. There is a part of me that says ok fine, so I’m not into that or have a bf to share with them but this (today) awful part of me wishes I was like them.
I want a man to share my life with. I’m just feeling despair today. Maybe I should give up my dream of having my own business in favor of working with people everyday? I was never overly happy in the old job but was extremely happy working with people back then. I had a fantastic social life. one part of life goes well and the other doesn’t. it’s never the two together. But I do know that I am more unhappy now than I have ever been. I just wanted the dream-my business. Looks like the universe doesn’t want me to have it all. I’m committed to my dream and I can’t change it now because I have too much invested at this point. I feel doomed to be alone because I just can’t get into situations of meeting people to just even say hello to socially. It just seems impossible (I’ve tried for the last year). I give up. The universe wins
