I think that he's in love, but made a rule to remain single after last g/f

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03-03-10, 05:04 PM
is he scared

I think that he's in love, but made a rule to remain single after last g/f

HI,
I'm new on here and am at a loss. About 2 months ago a guy with whom I grew up in the same home town as and I had started to talk ( facebook). We haven't seen each other or spoken in over 10 yrs and never even knew each other that well. Well, he lives on the opposite coast and after a few weeks of talking about 3-5 hours a day we decided to get together. From day one which is a conversation we had about our ex's, since I had just talked to mine on the phone, he said that his last girlfriend sucked his soul out of him and he made a promise to himself to stay single for at least a year. He is very ambitious, driven and motivated and is always working on making himself a better businesss person, which is one of the things that I love about him ( i am in the non profit sector). Well. we began to talk about feeligns and saying I miss you and he calls me every day and at one point I said that he was going to fall in love with me and then he said that is what he's afraid of.

He wants to stay single because he wants to focus on himself and feels that a girlfriend will stop that, which based on what I've learned about his ex's, they were a bit nutty. Im low key and want to see him do well and don't want to be in his way. I know that we are falling in love and I think I already am. I am flying there in one week and he said that he can't be romantic with me because he can't hurt me (he has more respect for women than I've ever seen).

I guess I wonder if he realizes that he is in love with me while I'm there, and sees that I'm not a controlling, pyscho, will that be enough for him to "break his promise". I know that I can make him fall in love but should I respect that he wants to live this way, even though we could be soul mates. I know that this is crazy, but it's the happiest I have been in 11 years and he even joked earier that when we make our side trip to vegas we could end up getting married. He says he is scared because he likes me and that is something i feel he should not walk away from.

He is reallly sweet, I hurt myself earlir and he texted me "this is a pain reducing text so when you read it you will feel better' and every night he says that he wishes that I was next to him and he wrap me up in his arms, give me the kiss of my life and sometimes it's sexy, sometimes romantic, like he'll say, I'd wrap us up like a cocoon and we'd just be so close to each other.

What should I Do and what is going on with him? I would marry him next week, I've shared every secret of my life that i've never shared with anyone and he the same and even is not on speaking terms with his brothers becuase of things that theyy said about me. We've had phone sex and the sexual chemistry is visible through the phone, do I make a move, or respect him and let the love go? I know that this guy is the best man to come in my life EVER and the fact that its' an emotional bond at this point makes a strong friendship foundation, and I dont know how we'll handle the attraction, because of our talks and we re very attracted to each otehr. I think that he is worried that
1.) The ex drained him and he cant face that again (I mean he and I haven't even gone out to dinner yet, and I hope that 2 weeks together is enough to let him see (and if it is only for his own future that would hurt but I want him to learn to let love in his life.)
2.) he is in love and he said that he has an addictive personality and that it would keep him from his work and grad school (THOUGH I WOULDN"T LET HIM)
3.) We live 3000 miles away and I see that as a positive for me buying tme becuase I am planning to move out ( Living at home, fnisihed grad school) and have a better job interview otu there than anything in my area and friends out there, but that would take at least til June, so wouldn't that be enough for him and I to have a trial type relationship?

I just want him to see that I am not going to interfere in his life and I want to live my own life too, with him, and that if we fall in love to break his rule, so do I do that? I"m thinking that it's in the kiss, would he know that he needs to let his guard down based on that. I know that he and I are perfect for each other and I don't dount the sex would be great, but he said after I aid ealier that I'm going to leave there hurt that there is no way he can do that to me and he cares too much bout me and doesn't want to ruin what we have for the future.

<Sorry for the grammar/spelling, exhausted (time difference) and my contacts are fallling out and I can barely see!>
03-03-10, 05:42 PM
sookie6

Hi

I wish I could encourage you more on this. But this is what I think.
You need to be careful as clearly this man is on the rebound. I am not saying this won't hurt but even though he fancies you timing could work against you.

From my experience women get with the right man whatever the timing once they meet someone they like.

But men very often get together because time is right they feel like settling down and usually they'd be pick the first person that looks suitable...

Unfortunately for this man, now, timing is not right.

The wisest thing to do now but there is a risk you loose him: you tell him to take his time alone, be himself again, and when he's ready he calls you but to start something serious on BOTH sides. His having cold feet is not a good sign at the moment.

Also It's wrong to think you can make someone fall in love with you as you state it in your post. Love comes naturally and is not to be confused with affection.

Tread carefully with this one, it could end up in tears.

all the best.
03-03-10, 05:49 PM
is he scared

thank you for your honesty.

I see why you woud say that however they didn't date very long and she was in a way abusive to him. He has admitted to falling in love with me and this is what scares him. I already am booked to go to CA from Boston in less than a week. So just play it ilke a friend and I guess that the very least is that I have goten a true best friend. But we talked earlier and we agreed we would cuddle, I just hope that he sees it on his own. What I am asking I guess is if is is truly falling for me and does fall in love with me when I am there, is that enough for him to set aside his one yr of being single. But if he does, do I stop him because he wants to do this FOR HIM and his career goals *MONEY* which I think it silly to choose success and money over love which would possibly be staring us in the face.

IF the moment is right and I know that he is receptive, is it ok for me to kiss him?
03-03-10, 06:05 PM
sookie6

Well you need to trust your intuition on this.

I have an alarm bell ringing in my ears about this guy even though I have never met him.

He might be using issues with his ex to keep you at a safe bay. At the same time he knows that someone is there for him, willing to travel quite a distance to visit him.

Best advice would be: make the most of this time together. You need an answer from him before coming back home.

But my bet is he will have strung you along all week end unable to give you the tiniest commitment. You'll come back even more hooked and ask us how we feel about this.

Before you label me the pessimist of the forum let's wait what our fellow members have to say about this.

I know what it's like to be in love. You don't want to hear people warning but you seem to be an intelligent girl so keep open to our advice!!!
03-03-10, 06:23 PM
is he scared

I agree with your suggestion

Please, ask any questions about the scenario. I know that he and I connect and I smile more than i have and he is the one calling me and has mailed me a card and has already booked our trip and is so excited for it.. He does make it clear that he wants us to not make that step into sex, because he (and I - am getting ready to take the LSAT for Law Schoool and he owns a business that is taking a ton of his time) can not give 100% and I don't deserve anything less. I know that and he knows that I am an amazing catch and he doesn't want to jeopardize us being together when the time is right. He has talked about us in the future (near future)

This ex is 100 no 120% out of his life and that I am willing to swear on all that matters to me. She used to nag him about mundane issues and purporsely wait til he fell asleep to shake him to start the whole fight over again and I think that he needs to regain his sense of independence, which sucks for the both of us, It is clear that he is crazy about me, he's said it and we have a weekend trip booked with a couple friend of his. Is that what you mwant by "He might be using issues with his ex to keep you at a safe bay."

again, I wonder if he is over her (he is, but for those skeptical) and falls in love will he pursue it and if he does should I tell him that I want him to keep his own promise. I care about him that much, but I know that I am with the man that I can bare my soul to and he hasn't judged me when every other person including my parents, friends have. He doesnt care about that and has a way to make me feel that it's important in such a soothing way, the challenges I've faced. He and I also agreeed that we have both met a person who can keep up with each other and understand each other the way nobody else has.
04-03-10, 12:24 AM
lastwish

Sounds like it might take years until he would be ready for a relationship with you. If I were you, I would let this one go. Maybe stay friends with him if you can handle it emotionally. He sounds like a great catch but don't "settle" for him if he isn't ready to "settle" for you.
04-03-10, 12:31 AM
Gigabitch

He sounds really impulsive, and while that can look romantic when you're having a good time it can also look insane when you're having a bad time.

He's all caught up in this whirlwind, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but he's giving you mixed messages and that tells me he's a bad bet. If he's The One, he'll still be The One in June, when things start to look more like reality and less like a romance novel.

Keep enjoying the fun but don't make any rash decisions. The biggest red flag I see is actually YOU. You're ready to marry him after two months of long-distance excitement. If I were your sister, I'd shake you until your eyes rolled back in your head. Get a hold of yourself.
04-03-10, 12:41 AM
LailaK

I know this is the ask a male forum... but woman to woman...

Girl you are asking for a world of hurt. When a man tells you he doesn't want a relationship for any reason, believe him. Whatever you do, do not become attached to a man who told you he doesn't want a relationship!

You can't make someone fall in love with you. By providing him with all the benefits of a relationship without the commitment he will have no reason to commit. By constantly being there "showing him how good it can be" you will seem clingy and desperate, like you have no life.

You're best bet is to back off and draw a clear "we're just friends" line. Be honest. You like him, but you understand and respect that he doesn't want a relationship. The only way to respect his wishes is to not pursue a relationship with him when he clearly told you that's not what he wants.
04-03-10, 04:25 AM
CAM

I know this guy. He's me.

Okay, not actually one in the same...there are differences.

I'd leave him alone. You can try the "be friends" approach but he'll wander off and the "be friends" thing will really just be a nice way of saying "goodbye."

He not on the rebound. He's just done. He's done with life outside of himself and possibly those whom he loves already or to he has long-standing ties.

He's just living it out now. He doesn't need you where he's going. He is Nietzsche's "Last Man." One of many, actually.
04-03-10, 04:27 AM
CAM

I think your issue helped me understand myself a little better; so, thanks for that :)
04-03-10, 04:47 AM
sookie6

Quote:

Originally Posted by CAM [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I know this guy. He's me.

Okay, not actually one in the same...there are differences.

I'd leave him alone. You can try the "be friends" approach but he'll wander off and the "be friends" thing will really just be a nice way of saying "goodbye."

He not on the rebound. He's just done. He's done with life outside of himself and possibly those whom he loves already or to he has long-standing ties.

He's just living it out now. He doesn't need you where he's going. He is Nietzsche's "Last Man." One of many, actually.

I understand this all Nietzchy thing going on CAM but if everybody was like you and this guy what would happen of reproduction..wouldn't human race become an endangered species..
???
04-03-10, 10:56 AM
cmacattack1

I agree with alot of the above. I didn't want to be in a relationship with my last girlfriend but she thought she could change me and she did, I decided to be in a relationship and everything seemed happy and magical for a couple months. Then we had a little distance and it began to get worse no matter how hard she tried. I had some issues I needed to sort out on my own but instead just fell into the trap of being too comfortable and not dealing with my problems. It dragged on, she got terribly hurt, dumped my ass, I was terribly hurt and it was just ugliness all around.

Have you even met this guy? You say you haven't seen him or talked to him in 10 years prior. Who the hell knows who he is. And you want to marry him. Love takes some serious time. I have talked to people I haven't really met before and they have piqued my interest, but I don't know if I would want to spend the entire rest of my life with them. Regardless of how much he says these things, he may feel them now but not later. It could be a damaging investment. I would take it easy with him for now.
05-03-10, 12:18 AM
CAM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sookie6 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I understand this all Nietzchy thing going on CAM but if everybody was like you and this guy what would happen of reproduction..wouldn't human race become an endangered species..
???

And that wouldn't be such a bad thing. A little population reduction might be good for us. More doesn't mean better.
05-03-10, 12:51 AM
sookie6

Quote:

Originally Posted by CAM [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

And that wouldn't be such a bad thing. A little population reduction might be good for us. More doesn't mean better.

CAM what a beautiful combination of a nihilist/pessimist/population reductionist you are!!!

But you know what? This only makes you even more endearing. I like the attitude..I think it's cool to have people who are not always thinking politically correct stuff...

Are you going for a vasectomy then?
05-03-10, 04:37 AM
CAM

I don't need one. Except for a girlfriend "encounter" over a year ago, which I deeply regret (but thank goodness for spermicidal condoms) I have been abstinent since 2001.