ongoing relationship/intimacy difficulties

Hi all

I've never posted on here before but I'm curious to find out what people might think about my situation, and especially to know if anyone has had similar issues.

I'm a mostly straight guy (I date women primarily but have occasionally found guys attractive too) in mid-life and never had an enduring relationship. I've dated sporadically and I've had occasional lovers, but I've never been able to maintain anything longer than a few weeks or months, and I always had one foot out the door.

What has always happened up to now it that I start dating someone then feel very high anxiety as soon as we've had sex. That's always the tipping point. After that I become conscious of finding the person "not the right one", of finding some fatal flaw. Always. So, I start feeling like I"m going to have to leave. And that causes me a lot of anticipatory guilt. I can tolerate this for a bit but eventually it gets too much and I have to leave, which sucks for both parties.

I'm very frustrated that I am 'this way', and frustrated that I haven't been able to resolve it, even after many years of therapy (and I mean many :-)

I can explain it all to myself to some extent based on family history. I won't go into a lot of detail but suffice to say my experiences of intimacy were far from ideal, and I struggled and still struggle with a fairly negative self image, low self-esteem, low assertiveness, fear of anger, difficulty expressing anger, a need for affirmation and a pervasive sense of 'not belonging' and helplessness (wow, that's quite a list of negatives - there are positives, too). I often feel needy and insecure even though I'm really a fairly smart and decent guy, and actually overly conscientious. A therapist once said to me "you have a punitive superego", i.e., I'm hard on myself.

I guess what I'm really confused about is the contradictory nature of my behaviour. I act like a person who is looking for a mate. I date. I socialize. I ask people out. I even occasionally have sex. I also feel an emptiness and a great need to have someone in my life. Yet when I do get someone, I'm a different person with a different agenda. There is no sense of "oh great, I've found someone" (or if there is, it's very short-lived). I feel threatened in some way, and think "oh no, this isn't the right woman". It's happened enough times that I'm sure it's not that I haven't met the right woman, it's something in me. And I feel somehow inauthentic in all of this, as if I'm not sincere, that I'm only going through the motions. Is my subconscious in charge? And if so, WTF is it up to?

I actually wrote the preceding bit a few months ago but never posted it. Now I've been dating someone now for about a month. I have a lot of anxiety, and the usual feelings of wanting to get out. My sexual interest in this person is low right now, even though I was interested at the beginning. I am also determined to give it a decent amount of time to see if I can get through the dark stuff and find something good about this (this woman and I are very compatible in some ways.) I see this as really my only course of action. But right now I'm very aware of how, when I'm with someone, I am very focused on them, their needs, and trying to please them and do what they want, including sexually. I feel I have to do this. Consequently I feel invaded and constricted and obligited and beholden. Definitely not free. I am working hard at trying to be free when I'm with this person.

I've been reading up lately on attachment styles based on Bowlby's theories. I think I'm mostly anxious avoidant, with a bit of dismissive avoidant as well.

Any feedback/ideas gratefully appreciated. I'm especially interested to hear from people with similar tendencies who have strategies for overcoming this.

dpo