Infidelity... Can't live with the guilt.
I'm going to try and explain this the best way possible. I understand if you judge me I wouldn't blame you. I know I'm no angel, I held myself responsible for all the decisions I've made. Now that we have that down. Here it goes....
I met this guy on a forum just like this, I had posted a picture and he had messaged me about it and it we exchange SN's. We spoke for a while and most of the time he messaged me I would ignored him. Well things moved on and then we started talking and talking. I don't remember how it came about but he told me he was married. At first I didn't want to talk to him, but then I though to myself it would really do any damage, we're not doing anything wrong. Well things moved and we started talking more. There wouldn't be a day we didn't talk, we move on to calling each other "sweet" names and then came the epic 'I Love You'. Things changed a lot. We started talking on the phone, skype. Yet, here is the thing. He lives in a different state than me and he is 10yrs older than me. We've never met in person. We were planning on meeting but I'm not sure if that going to happen anymore. I don't think I can go ahead with it.
Here is the thing, I was looking back at this forum before the one where we met at and i found some of his old post. by old i mean 03, 05 stuff like that, before we've started talking. In those post that he put he basically responded to a thread that would asked for someone to messaged with, talked to and by this I mean R-Rated stuff. I also found a post were he admitted to having cheated before. Seeing all this really make me think. Is that the reason he talks to me? Am i his entertainment. I mean we've def. have done stuff that have crossed the line. I'm pretty sure you would know what I mean by that. I've tried to end it so many times, ignoring him, not talking to him at all, but we always seem to get back together. I know what I'm doing is completely wrong, but I don't know what else to do to put an end to it. I'm blinded by love if you can call it that.
He tells me he loves me and that he's never met anyone that he can tell anything too. I don't know what to think of that. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't leave his wife for me (he has no kids). I'm tired of being this secret and "second best" if you can call it that. After reading those post it has really made me rethink all this. I really do love him and I believe he loves me also, but in his own way. It might be true or it just might be something that I'm trying to convince myself with.
All the times I have been the one to "end" it. He always begs me to take him back, he says "we can be friends" yet, I don't know how i could ever be friends with someone i feel this way about. Him saying that to me makes me feel as if he really doesn't love me and as if im the one with the issues. There is def. more to it but that basically it. I feel really guilty about all this, I dont know what to do or what to think anymore...
