Long Lost Love - Desperately Searching for Susan

I'll admit that I feel somewhat awkward talking about such an intimate topic on a public forum, but close friends don't seem to be objective. It also isn't very manly of me.

Many years ago when I was in my 20's I met a charming girl that had me with her first "hello." Her sparkling green eyes and beautifuyl smile captivated me. At some point after we began dating she kind of moved herself in and I honestly didn't mind. Although we shared the same bed it wasn't until Christmas Eve when she asked me if I really loved her did we make love for the first time. I truly was in love with her and she was the only one since my high school sweetheart. I'm not sure they count :) I've had plenty of sex just to have sex -- I'm a guy (that has been celebate for 4 years now.) But Susan wasn't just sex.

Not long after beginning a complete relationship it became clear that she had a drug problem that I was unaware of. I had been a Military Policeman for 6 years and would soon enter the civilian academy, so I have no excuse not noticing what should have been obvious. Soon her quest for drugs overshadowed the relationship. When she was clean she was easy to love, but when she wasn't it was an effort and I honestly spent more time condemning her rather than try to get her to help herself. We were together for a couple of years before I finally sent her on her way. She would park down the street where she could see my kitchen window and wouldn't leave until my light went out. One night I went out and invited her up for what ended up being a short week. She would later go on to marry a friend of mine.

Ironically, my life had fallen apart at some point and I too became addicted to drugs and alcohol. I was deep into addiction but managed to pull my head out of my butt and just celebrated 13 years clean and sober. It was from this part of my life that I learned to understand Susan's.

Through the years I'd get an occasional phone call and on New Years Eve about 10 years ago we met at a party where I asked her to marry me in front of 100+ people. She said yes and we had probably the most incredible sex that night and into the next day. I'm not bragging - really. But it was the closest emotional connection I'd managed with Susan. By morning she was gone again. I didn't hear from her until about 6 months after I had married another woman. We were expecting our first child and Susan never called after that. The truth is that I had settled on my wife. I had turned 41 and we'd known one another for years. I loved her but I wasn't really in love with her.

The internet had been born and as an IT professional I knew how to find people. Periodically I'd look for Susan and I'd find her. But not wanting to physically cheat on my wife I left it at that. I'm not sure that looking for Susan constituted emotional cheating. I found that I longed for Susan and I was unhappy in my marriage, but I couldn't leave my marriage. As it turns out Susan was keeping tabs on me as well.

At the age of 5 my daughter was diagnosed with inoperable brain cancer. We found a surgeon that managed to remove 2/3Rd's of the tumor and we spent the next 18 months with her life hanging in the balance. Having married a woman with two now young teens and many other factors my marriage and family disintegrated under the stress and pressure. We lost our home to foreclosure and the bills piled high. I have been separated for 13 months and I am waiting for the final divorce. The cancer that had been in remission twice before has returned again and it is about to get uglier than it has been.

Back to Susan. I'd looked for her and found her some time ago, but this last month I emailed her and finally got a reply. After a couple of intense days of texting and a brief telephone call she confessed that she has continued to keep tabs on me. We admitted to one another that there has remained a piece of our hearts that has never forgotten the bitter sweet love that we had shared. She also confessed that I was her first love and that I broke her heart, just as she had broken mine by choosing drugs over me. I was too macho back then to ever say those words. At 49 I am no longer limited by testosterone. For my part I apologized for breaking her heart and confessed that she has remained in mine all of these years.

Susan has also been clean for 3 years. I expressed how deeply proud of her I was and found myself in tears after hearing her news. Her beloved Dad died of cancer last year. As it turns out her Mom is about to move up to the mountains where I have lived and we tentatively planned on getting together. We were supposed to talk on the phone last night and had a "date" where we would be alone. She has two teen aged boys with friends and, well, a busy house. I had sincerely hoped that we'd have an opportunity to get to know one another all over again -- star crossed lovers finally on a similar path. I had no unreasonable expectations.

I called her as planned and got no answer. I've tried periodically since last night with telephone calls and text messages. No answers. I find myself overcome by grief, as if I have lost her all over again. I know where she lives about three hours away and could impulsively make the drive, but that would be silly and probably just a bad idea all around. I recognize that she and I have both shared tremendous losses recently, but in spite of or because of we've searched for one another.

So now what? I haven't had this lump in my throat and tightness in my chest for many, many years. I remember that falling in love felt like this, but come on! Two people don't just get hooked in just a matter of days, do they? I think that my honesty has scared her as much as she has scared me and the only difference is that I haven't disappeared. But the door has been opened again and butterflies have emerged -- don't they live for like a day?

Desperately Searching for Susan,

Bob

I'm not an expert on butterflies, but I'm pretty sure that monarch butterflies actually migrate, so they must live a lot longer than a day.

I hope things work out for you, but I don't think that you should just show up and surprise her. For whatever reason, she seems to be avoiding you right now, and it would be better to know that reason before trying to see her in person. It's possible that if you stop trying to contact her for a couple of days, she might call you when she's ready to talk again, possibly soon.

Thanks for the reply. I don't plan on driving up and surprising her. As I mentioned that would not be the best course of action -- and I love your tag line!

My question is more about the emotions involved. The meetings years apart. The searching for one another as if to keep one another at arms reach. The admissions or confessions of a love never finished. Beginning fresh or seeking final closure. Heck. I'm a guy and we're not wired to think like this!~

Well, we've texted back and forth and one minute she's hot and the next she's just ignoring me. As it turns out she was dating a guy that she broke it off with the same day that she got my email. But then she confessed that she might care for him more than she realized. But then she asked me if she'd feel safe in my arms again...

I am a basket case. I am too old for this stuff and after 20 years of waiting for us to finally land on the same path I am devastated. Why would someone keep looking for me all of these years only to reject me once she'd found me? We were both looking for one another at the same time.

Could someone please try to make sense of this for me?

Do you think you could both maintain your sobriety together? You sound like you bring the drama out of each other.

I've been sober for more than 13 years and she for three. There's a lot in the background that doesn't need to be dredged up here. But we talked a great deal last night and actually have a "date." I guess once the baggage was dealt with it was easier to move beyond it.

I don't now how to walk away. As it turns out, as I was searching for her she was searching for me. Our timing was perfect I guess and quickly we turned to why 20 years ago the relationship ended. We also talked about how the love never died for either of us. We were talking and making plans to get together and then contact became broken and sporadic this last week. She makes excuses of being very busy at work, be patient or maybe now isn't the right time, blah, blah, blah.

I send her a text messages every morning at 10am wishing her a good day. She never replies and I don't need to be a rocket scientist to figure this one out. In fact, her not responding is just plain rude after waltzing back into my life and turning it upside down for the third time.

So how do I politely end the chapter and close the book? I am so desperately in love with her and know that anything I say will be the last thing I say. But what other choice do I have?

You proposed to her, she accepted and then disappeared without a trace, and yet you still want her? Wow!

Not sure if you can believe everything she says, she doesn't sound very stable - appears like she's into some other dude and that you are her backup, you know, like she'll talk to you when he ain't around, seems like she is stringing you along. Or maybe it's because she has been clean for a while now and feels that she will slip back into her old habits if she hooks up with you again. I don't know but what I do know is that she is way to old to be fronting, to be playing games, she sounds like a total mindf**k if you know what I mean. I know it's harsh but do you really want to waste yet more time waiting around for her only for her to go all indecisive on you again? Find somebody who has their mind right, she's still the same confused little girl she was very many years ago, go get yourself a woman who knows exactly what she wants (i.e. you!).

Thank you for your candid reply.

You are correct that the logic doesn't make sense. But seldom does logic make sense in love. Susan has come looking for me twice and when she found me it has been a continuation of an intense love afair. I know that it sounds anti-guy and all that, but when I am with her I feel like I've never felt with any other woman. Humbly and somewhat ashamed, I have a lot of notches in my bed post. When we are together it is so close and tender. When I would kiss her it wasn't a prelude to sex. They say that men faill in love with their eyes - not with Susan and I.

13 years ago she bailed when she got loaded again. She has always been afraid of disappointing me. She really screwed her life up between then and now but has been on a positive road for three years. We never used together and as I've said, I've got more than 13 years. I don't feel in danger of getting loaded and booze was my thing anyway. Now I live a clean life with vitamins and exercise :)

I realize that I need to let her go for my sake. I cannot handle the heartache any longer. It's like being a kid in a candy store and having no money. It has to end, but how do I break off such a life-long romance and doing as little damage as possible? I mean, I can use the band-aid coming off approach and just rip it off and feel the pain. But I DO love her and I don't want to cause her any more pain.

I've hung in there and tried to be a friend because that was asked of me for reasons then unexplained. But now I know the reasons and I don't know how to be there for her. In her recent past she has been the victim of violent domestic abuse. Now the question becomes, how do I stand by her and respect that she needs time to heal emotionally? True love tells me that I must do this and if at some point we are able to be together again then ok. But how can someone be just a friend when they love someone so much? The easy answer is to just walk away, but surely that isn't the answer.

Susan and I have been working on starting from somewhere and seem to butt up against a wall of fear on one side and desire on the other. Just as I was about to walk she pulled me in and asked me not to. But we just seem to nibble around the edges.

But the major obstacle seems to be me. My 8 year old daughter has inoperable brain cancer. She had a very tough day today and went into anaphylactic shock. The Code Team was on her and she's now in ICU again. I live with her in the hospital during the week and have my weekends free. I ask myself how I can manage a relationship and seem to defeat its growth even though I went looking for her.

My stumbling block is that Susan's dad died of cancer last year and she is still devastated. I know that the emotional drain is considerable and even though Susan asked to hear all about my daughter I am afraid that if I let her get to close and the outcome is poor it will strain a relationship that is really kind of just on hold. She wanted to call me and I asked her not to. She and my daughter laugh and giggle on the phone; they text one another. I sometimes think that Susan may view my daughter as the daughter that we were supposed to have. Nonetheless, I am afraid to open up my world to her.

I know that this story sounds bizarre. There are twists and turns in it that one would have to navigate to understand and remember that we're talking about a relationship of 22 years that has neither had closure or permanence. Honestly, I just don't know what to do. I am in love with Susan all of these years later -- not a fantasy. Her. But I am screwing this up and it isn't often that one gets three bites at the apple.