I know it is long, but please read and try and help.

Hi all,

I have been with my boyfriend from the 2nd of August 2008. He is an ex-bodybuilder/gladiator. In other words, he is extremely handsome and well build. I am 32 and he is 44. I have 2 kids, which adores him. He has a son, that hates me. My kids stay with my mom most of the time, because i work shifts. His son stays with him ex-wife.

We met at a pub one night when i took one of my guy friend's out for drinks cause it was his birthday. He asked us to come back to his place and have a braai the next day, unfortunatly, i was working the next day, but i did go to his house and spend the night (nothing happened)

The next day, i went to work and he sms'ed me and asked me to come back to his place after work, so i did. I spend the night again, but again nothing happened.

After a while, i basically moved in, because he just did not want me to go home. That was in the first month.

Things were perfect. He made me feel like the most important person in the world. I then found out that he had a serious drinking problem. I did not push him to stop, just told him every now and again that he needs to cut down, which he did. Then last year September (september 2009) he had severe seizures. He landed up in ICU (which i paid for). He almost died. I was there everyday, supporting him.

I have been in hospital a couple of times for minor procedures, but he was always too busy with his clients to come and see me (even at night). If he did come, it was usually only for 10 minutes. And was never there before i went into surgery or after i came out.

After the ICU incident, he stopped drinking all together for almost 3 months. Then started drinking 1 beer here and 1 beer there, now he drinks wine everyday again.

Things were good between us, apart from the fact that he never took me out. After the ICU incident he started treating me different. Like i was not important to him. Things just became worse from there.

I have tried talking to him about things - that does not work. I have tried fighting with him about things - that does not work. I have tried ignoring things - that does not work. I don't know what else to try. And the things we argue about the most is that he does not give me affection and does not take me anywhere.

Recently, he went out with friends, while i was working nightshift, and i said to him, i am not upset with the fact that you went out, i am upset with the fact that you always have excuses about going out with me, but then go out with others. He then promised that he will take me out the saturday - a month later we still did not go out.

Then on Sunday, i was working dayshift, and he was helping his ex-wife move house and i came home early, at around 12, and he asked me to please understand, and he will be back at 3pm, i said fine. Little did i know - he went out with his ex wife for lunch and only came home at 5pm. I then again asked him to go out with me - again, he was too tired. He promised that he will take me for lunch the monday - it never happened.

I now feel like there is something wrong with me. Like he is embarrassed to be seen with me in public, and it is killing me.

Like i mentioned, my kids love him to bits and look up to him (as their dad). But whenever we have a fight, he always says that those are not his kids and he wants nothing to do with them, but then when they are with us, he treats them well - this hurts me, because i always said, if a man does not accept my kids, he does not accept me. His son, does not even greet me. I pick him up from school from time to time - and he usually gets in the car, does not say a word to me, and gets out. When he comes to the house, he does not speak to me at all, unless i give him something - like sweets, or gifts.

He also says that i am trying to control him, when all i do is help him. I do things for him, with his permission, but then when when he is fighting, he says that i control him and he is going to take all those things away from me. I don't understand him anymore.

I love him with all my heart and he claims that he loves me too, but then when we fight, he says that there is no such thing as love and that there is nothing between us anymore, and then when i try and leave - he stops me.

I don't know what to do. I want it to work, but i want to leave too.

Please give me any advise????

Thanks a million for reading

M<

You know what you need from this relationship. Tell him exactly what you need, and if he can't give you that, then you need to leave him. He might not take an ultimatum well, but how can he expect to keep you in his life if he doesn't treat you the way you need to be treated?

The only thing wrong with you is that you're wasting your efforts on trying to change this man who has given you plenty of evidence that he is NOT going to change. Either accept his lame ass the way it is or move on with your life.

Personally i think he sounds awful. You say your kids look up to him as a 'dad' - how destroyed would they be if they knew that when he was angry he dismisses them from his affections so easily?? Maybe its said in the heat of the moment - but if i'd ever heard my step dad ever ever say i was 'not his and so not his problem' i would be devastated...i would lose all respect for him. Deservedly so - what an awful childish thing to say.

He sounds like he pulls this sort of behaviour because he knows that ultimately he can get away with it and its probably made worse by his drinking. You run around after him, he does what he wants and he knows you'll always be there...one minute hes grateful and the next hes throwing it in your face like a petulant child. he needs to grow the hell up and take some responsibility for himself and your relationship.

First off, your confusion and frustration are totally understandable and normal.

You know what you need to do. A man dismisses my kids- I dismiss him, plain and simple. No one gets a chance to hurt my kids, ever. This man doesn't love himself, and I think he's right- there is no such thing as love- for him.

End of the day, you need to do what's right for you and you kids. And from what I read- it's NOT him. This is not a man who is ready for an adult relationship.