What's missing?

- We get along really well as friends
- We enjoy each other’s company
- We have the same kinds of ambition and passion for our careers
- We always have interesting, stimulating conversations
- We have the same attitudes and principles about life and personal growth/learning
- We have the same attitudes about love, intimacy, and what it takes to have a meaningful relationship with someone else
- We are open and honest with each other and ourselves
- We find each other intellectually attractive
- We find each other physically attractive
- We’ve had little crushes on each other from almost the first day we met
- We care about each other deeply as friends and feel a sense of kindredness
- We have already learned and grown from each other
- Neither of us are needy and can go for days w/out contact
- We are both well-rounded, balanced individuals
- We acknowledged this mutual multi-faceted attraction and had several instances of really awesome, fun sex over a period of about a month

But then she said she just wanted to be friends, even though she had a really good time, because she sensed I was finding it more meaningful than she was.

Maybe so – I was very uninhibited and had no fear about letting the love that was instinctively growing in me show. I had no reason not to and it felt very natural to me. It’s not as if I had big plans or fantasies about “a future” in my head, it was completely in the present and without pretense.

And I thought she felt the same. She talked to her mom about me, said that she’d miss me over the summer when I’d be away doing work overseas, talked about me visiting her when she went to see her family, going on camping trips, doing various activities/trips together - you know, "couple-y" kind of stuff.

Now, she is also kind of in love with her boss – I don’t know him or their situation, but she says that what she has for him is not just a crush – but she also says it’s impossible. She even told him how she feels, but the way he responded, though in the negative, was apparently still vague. And he hasn’t been very considerate in his behaviour either – they have a very personal friends/buddies kind of relationship that he doesn’t discourage. It’s all the worse that he KNOWS how she feels about him and still hasn’t done anything to emphasize personal distance. Plus, he’s almost 20 years older than her. But, she’s really got it bad and can’t let it go.

That’s why she wanted to stop being intimate with me – she sensed my feelings about her were deepening and very considerately told me it wouldn’t be fair to me – for her to have these feelings for her boss and still continue being intimate with me, even though she was really enjoying it.

Even so, since she’s told me she realizes anything with him is impossible, and since it seemed that if not for him we had an almost perfect set-up – I asked her if after she’d had some space and worked out her feelings for her boss, did she want to just go with the flow and see what develops between us - nothing set in stone, no time or space commitment – just let the “next levels” flow naturally, as they already seemed to be starting to? Maybe it wouldn’t last long, maybe it would, who knows? But did she want to make a bit of an adventure out of exploring it?

She said no… she didn’t even want to give it a chance, that she didn’t see anything we had evolving into a relationship, and was certain it would come to nothing, - though she couldn’t say why.

I’ve always been the type to take people at their word, and I respect her decision, but… what was missing? That’s what’s really been driving me crazy. She’s basically told me that, even if her boss wasn’t in the picture, she wouldn’t be interested in trying anything with me. It seems contradictory to everything that’s already happened between us and I just wish I could understand it…

In the long run, though, it’s not like I "needed" anything from her – I just saw a really nice possibility and proposed it to her – and I’m already getting over it. I still care about her very much as a friend and we still are friends – none of that no-contact bs (if you really love someone that’s not how you react). And I do empathize with what’s she’s going through with her boss (I’ve gone through something similar before) and I’ve made it clear that I’m always free to talk or just listen if she needs me.

But I still want to know… what was missing?? So I’m aware of it next time I have something this great with another person. I’ve asked her and she doesn’t know! Any insights from outside parties??

Maybe you just missed your window of opportunity and Friendzoned each other.

You were her bedroom buddy, that's all. That's the problem with having a f**k buddy, there's always one person who ends up wanting more than the other can give, one person who begins to develop stronger feelings and attachments. She has intense feelings for somebody else, this is what is missing from your union with her - not your fault at all or hers but it can't be forced or faked. There has been many a time I have been on dates with guys who were incredibly good-looking, who I was admittedly attracted to, gelled with well, you know, were on the same level, had great convo with and an amazing time but that feeling just weren't there. But to be honest that was usually down to the fact that I was majorly into somebody else, seems to be a similar case here. You were a somewhat fling, somebody to flirt and have a bit of fun with, and she had never promised otherwise really. You too will eventually find somebody who will just feel that way for you - desire and want is really difficult to explain.

K, I'm over her now and we've pretty much gone back to how things were before we started hooking up - I'm really glad I didn't lose her friendship over this and so is she.

Jas_mine, I now understand what you mean by the "intensity" being missing. I didn't feel anything intense for her, but after thinking more about past girls I've taken a liking to, I realize that I don't really go through that head-over-heels phase (only for the very first girl I "fell in love" with did that happen, and to be honest I'm not too sad about the possibility of never going through that again) - and that's why I couldn't see what was missing. What I feel tends usually to be more "quiet" or "subtle", but still very deep, and I don't think I would have been able to even call myself "in love" with her unless it had a chance to grow some more - works out for me in the long run I guess, since it makes it easier to let go :)

but I am a little confused now - should there be that "intensity" at the beginning, that feeling of being crazy in love, for a relationship to really work? I'm starting to wonder if I've been missing something on my end this whole time too... Is it possible to fall in love gradually without that intensity and still have the relationship be every bit as meaningful and to have a chance of lasting?