A lesson well learned my friends (long story)
Ok so I have posted my ongoing story here many times, but right now this isn't really asking for much advice.. But rather to give my own story as an example to others of what NOT to do.
Brief background:
I met this girl at school, gorgeous, smart, funny, everything I could ever imagine and more. I figured she was way out of my league though so me with my limited confidence didn't even bother to approach her. A few weeks later, SHE approached ME.. I was completely shocked. She talked with me, flirted with me, the business (little did i know). After that she actually got my number from a friend and "accidently" dialed it. Which I thought was slightly weird that she had gotten my number from someone else, but again this girl was amazing so the weirdness was overcome by flattery.
So over the coming weeks and months I got to know her really well. We talked everyday and night, he hung out constantly, we would see every sunrise together in the mornings at 6-7am, it was beautiful. So eventually it reached a peak level at the friendship stage and we both wanted more (or so it seemed). So me being kind of timid, I didn't know how to really make that move.. So one day she just asked me straight up, what I feel for her. I told her that I really like her a lot.. And then she told me she loves me... I said I love her too, because at first I was really scared to be vulnerable but she really earned my trust. I could see no flaws in this girl and I was absolutely amazed how this beautiful, funny, smart, single girl happened to pretty much pick ME up and wondered what I did to deserve this great fortune.
So a few days after that conversation, I was ready to make it official, because we were sort of unofficially official before that. So I prepared really hard for that moment. I didn't want to say anything to mess things up so I even wrote down and practiced what I wanted to say (i know, a loser type of thing to do. lol).. But I really wanted it to be special. So I planned that we would take a walk, go to a certain spot. I knew what I was gonna say, how I was gonna say it, gestures, everything down to the letter, and I was so excited for that moment...
The moment arrives and I have everything ready. The sun was setting, we were alone, I had all what I was gonna say rehearsed, everything was perfect. So everything went according to plan... until I asked her out. She was silent for a bit, so silent, and had a sad look on her face. I couldn't figure out what could possibly be wrong. She goes on to tell me that her ex bf had asked for her back earlier in the day and she accepted. It was doubly shocking to me, first because she told me she loves me just a few days prior, and second because she had never talked to me about an ex bf, not once.
I was heartbroken, still am to this day, and it was the worst kind of heartbreak i'd ever experienced. One that came totally unexpectedly, even more unexpectedly than when she talked to me in the first place. So, at first she begged for me to keep talking to her when I wanted to leave. She said how she loves me and is ready for the relationship to end if he breaks up with her again. Eventually I bought into all her lines and next thing you know we resumed as if she had no bf at all. We went on dates, we kissed, we held hands, we said I love you every day and night... But then, it wasn't enough for me. I questioned her consistently on how we can go on like this while she has a bf that she is unwilling to break up with.
It led to many arguments, many separations (it was really like a relationship), and many sleepless nights. How is it that she could be acting like my gf when she actually is with another guy. I felt really short changed. So one day i'd had enough and I said to her, "what exactly am i to you?" and she tells me "a good friend." And that may not seem like a bad thing to say, but to me it was absolutely aweful. With how close we had been, we met each others family, we went on so many dates, we talked countless hours on the phone, and she says "good friend." So I just snapped. I was like, would your bf consider us a good friend? What would he do if he knew about her relationship, you think he'd stay with you? She instantly responded with "I hate you" and hung up the phone. Because of how I was thinking irrationally that night I immediately sent the guy a message detailing everything we had done together. He broke up with her, and then she begged for him back saying she would never talk to me again. He took her back and everything was golden between them.
This all occured during the summer time while I was away.. And surprisingly despite her saying how she hated me with a passion for telling her bf everything we did, she ended up coming back to me and we resumed our regularly scheduled little program. The dates, the physicality, the talks, all of that stuff resumed as if it had never left. And low and behold with that cycle came the same problem as before. What are we? Friends? Good friends? Friends with benefits? And low and behold the answer was "friends" in fact now it was upgraded to "best friends." So to with the resumed relationship followed the arguments, quarrels, etc... all related to the fact that she was getting a bf out of me without giving me a real commitment (due to a committment to the other guy).
She kept feeding me with lines to keep me around whenever I wanted to leave. She would say how bad he treats her, how he neglects her needs, how he ignores her at times, how he yells at her, tells her what to wear, how to act, etc etc... all kinds of things. She would say that all she needs is an opening and if he ever breaks up with her we can start things together. Her reasoning for not breaking up with him was that "he didn't do anything wrong. so i wouldn't feel right breaking up just because i met another guy that i love more." That answer upset me but I still stuck around... Until one day it happened.
He broke up with her.... I know he had done it before but she had hidden it from me previous times. This time I was the guy she confided in. She told me all about it, and she was really sad.. So I comforted her. She told me she loves me and that she hopes our relationship can grow... I halfway bought it but kept myself skeptical due to it coming right after her breakup.
After some time had passed and I felt it was appropriate for me to re-address that topic I opened the floor for discussion abotu a potential relationship between she and myself. After all, she did say that she would jump at the opportunity if it ever presents itself right? So I thought, damn here it is, we can finally be together just like she said we would. But you know what she told me? She's sorry but she loves him so much, and she's waiting for him to return. I was really shocked because while they were together she said the exact opposite. She said a lot of things about him, and I specifically asked her if she was still in love with him and she was like "no, i'm just waiting for an opportunity to come for it to end." So I said to her, do you think he really loves you to break up with you for no reason like that time after time? And she says "every relationship has problems." Then my next question and her answer to it really opened my eyes big time. I said, "problems yes, but you really feel like it's a healthy relationship for your bf to break up with you every couple of months?" and her response was...... "but he loves me, and thats why he always comes back."
Bingo... That sentence is still ringing in my head over and over. He loves me, that's why he always comes back.... I realized that this girl has got it bad, and is in a bad relationship which ruined her. I said to her, "If he really loved you he wouldn't keep leaving" and it's true. But now everything just suddenly made perfect sense to me... When she said she loved me, she wasn't lying...at least not intentionally. She loved the type of guy I was, everything her bf was not. Sensitive, caring, I listened to her problems, I was there for her whenever and wherever she needed me, I did a lot of things with her and for her, told her I loved her everyday and treated her like she was special to me. And she loved me for all of that, but she didn't really love me. She would always tell me she wishes she could have a guy like me. But what that really meant is that she wishes her bf had all of my qualities.
If she loved me, she would've left him. It's that simple. So my friends, whoever is reading this, let it be a lesson or an example for you. No matter what she (or he) says, it's what they do that's important. If she says she's gonna leave him for you, she never does. Don't fall prey to someone who is vulnerable and/or needs a gap filler to make them feel happy. Each individual person deserves someone who is 100% there for them and them only. I let myself be used for more than a year, and despite this horrible heartbreak I feel right now, I think i'm gonna be a better, smarter person for it years down the line.
