The 6-months trauma drama
My woman and I have known each other for 6 months. We officially dated for 5 months, but we consider 6 months as the length of our relationship. Last friday, our 6-month anniversary, we got into a huge fight. It began in the morning when, in conversation, she revealed that her boyfriend 20 years ago bought her a BMW M3. I made a rude comment, and things blew up. For the next 8 hours, we communicated via phone and text, and kinda talked things through. We got over it. Then 1 hour later, we started talking about modern medicine, and I got annoyed with her "know-it-all" attitude. I was impulsive, and I made a fatal comment. I said, "Is it possible to love someone and not like him/her as a person? I don't know if I like you...." Then hell broke loose... she yelled at me...screamed....cried....everything. I was in shock....couldn't feel anything. Then later that night, it hit me.... It's over....and I went crazy. I was sad, mad and heart-broken. I called her the next morning, and she warned to never call her again. Later that day, I boxed up all her belongings at my place, and was ready to ship them to her. Then she called and asked if I was ok. I told her I was not gonna kill myself because my kids still need me. She said ok...then hung up. Then she texted me every hour to try to keep contact. We were supposed to go to San Diego that day, and since I reserved a $300/night hotel and couldn't cancel, I decided to go alone. I spent all day and night thinking about what went wrong.
Things that contributed to the friction: My recent divorce left me broke. I felt insecure, so I kinda took it out on her. The custody battle has left be very depressed. And my current job was stressing me out. I basically cracked on friday. She has been sick all week. Her divorce left her really insecure. Our respective stress level has created tension in the relationship. We were unable to have sex as often as we wanted to because of our kids' schedule. Everything just mounted up.
Yesterday, sunday (2 days after breakup), as asked for her forgiveness. I know that's so wussy, but I don't care. I don't want to give up on the love of my life. She means everything to me, and I messed up. I pleaded for 2 hours....and she finally agreed to forgive me. But she wanted an answer as to why I was so cruel to her, and how I can avoid this from happening again. I spent the next 24 hours really thinking.
This morning, the light bulb came on. A revelation. I feel as though much of my insecurities come from the past... my past...her past....and nothing she does now registers in my brain. She tells me that she loves me, and she surrounds me with love and affection, yet I get ticked about things that happened 20 years ago. I feel that if I can block out or formally extinguish the meaning of the past, I can relieve myself the torment of my own perceptions. If I can truly put the past behind, then I can embrace the present. I don't know why this has been such a mental obstacle, but I believe it's the reason for my pain all these years.
I revealed to her my thoughts, and she forgave me. We are gonna try again, but with a new attitude...mainly on my part.
