My Relationship: A Story For Others (Read Time 5-10 Min)
Hey everyone, this is my first post here. It's VERY long, I know, but its the whole of my relationship, in condensed form. There would be no post if I hadn't screwed things up...
A little background on my situation. I'm 23. Just graduated from collage last May. My ex-girlfriend is also 23. We met on the first day of our freshman year at college (we lived on the same floor). Sounds romantic but I had my hth (home-town-honey). Yet this girl. lets call her "E" and I came to be best friends. We endured the hardships of that first semester, and she was there for me as my heart was broken by the hth. Now it begins to look like a rebound. E and I start dating in the beginning of the second semester our freshman year, and we have a great time together. Best friends just got closer. There was one point where I thought and talked about breaking up 3 months in, but only momentary. Reasoning was that I could "do better" in terms of the attractiveness ladder.
After one year, the relationship is going incredibly well. I love E as my best friend and girlfriend. We have shared great moments together and a summer apart and a third semester at school. Here is where things began to sour. My insecurities start to flare up, and I begin to think that I could do better again. I break up with her and date another girl. I completely destroyed her in the breakup. We had sex for the first time after a year and some months, and I broke up with her the next day. This was 3 years ago. Yet she saw something in me and won me back after being apart for a month. I'm terrible, I know.
6 months later, the summer after sophomore year, she studies abroad in Australia! We had been back together, emotionally and physically now, for 4 months, and everything was great until she left. I'm at school in the fall and again feel all macho about dating other girls, because this time, I'm not sure that E is the one, and I want to find out (this becomes a theme). We break up 25,000 miles away and get back together before she gets back. She did some bad things there in her time of trauma (post-breakup) and I dated a girl back home for a few weeks... nothing much. But once she got back everything was great... except I was then leaving 20 days later to study in Europe... Copenhagen, Denmark! Christ, "will I ever get to see her", is my mentality. She is the one, so I stick it through the 5 months and we stay together with no problems at all. Odd because I was away with all new people, cultures, everything! She even comes to Europe and travels with me for 2 weeks in the summer.
We spend the summer together, but I had my internal debate going on as to if she were the one, even if we had an incredible time backpacking through Europe, and had so much history together. I just wasn't sure if she were the one... its a huge decision to make, especially at a young age. Marriage had been the next step in the relationship... we know each other so well, each others parents so well, what to do.
I broke up with her the day before our senior year started. We always want to be friends and close, so we try to hang out, but I push her away so I can "have my space". I didn't mess around or date at all the first semester senior year, it was as if E and I were together, but not "officially". I told her not to come up for New Years though... first time in 3 years. Second semester I started to date another girl. I tried to make time for both, hanging with my best friend, E, and hang with a new girl. At fraternity parties this doesn't work, especially since all of E's guy friends are in my house now, after 3 years of dating. So we clashed at parties with me trying to be single and not wanting to be that way around E. In the end, the senior year wasn't that great, even though I got what I wanted, which was the single life. Sure I had fun, but it wasn't the senior year I had hoped for.
Summer came and E and I visited each other a couple of times, same for this past fall. I never thought that she would ever not be in love with me. It was a big part of my life knowing she was. I could always fall back on her if I wanted. Though after our pre-senior year breakup I never had. So a couple months ago I told her that I was not in love with her and we would never be a couple again. I lied through my teeth saying that only because I wanted her to be free of me as I felt free of her, on the inside. She cried on the phone, I cried after I hung up, to my mom of all people. I knew I did the right thing, even if it wasn't true. Heck, I was lucky enough just to have her as a friend, much less tell her that I wouldn't want to date her again.
God has a messed up plan. E and I didn't talk for a few weeks, which we had never gone more than 2 days in 4 years without talking. In that time she found her first job, one she really wanted, since graduation. Thats when she first called me. She was moving to the city from the country and getting an apartment. I was and am so proud and excited for her. Couple months later, I am getting tired of all the dates I've been on and the people I have met. I dated all summer, all fall and winter, looking for anyone to compare to E. No one is even close. And I broke up with her because I wanted someone higher on the ladder of life. What the hell was I thinking. Like an ephipany, I woke up and realized that I didn't love E... I LOVED E! What I thought love was, a few months and years ago, is different from what I knew it was now.
I hold this feeling in a few weeks and then let her know about it a week before new years. God it felt good to tell her, though I wanted to in person. But wait. I just screwed her over, given her an ulcer, and had her crying in her best friends and parents arms all over again. What was I thinking when I tried to assume she would just get back with me. She said she's been socializing so much more with co-workers and doesn't know if she could devote time to any relationship. Plus, she said she needs to get over all the shit I caused her, time to heal, before she can think about it. I just got back from her apartment this yesterday. It was her birthday weekend a few days ago, and she did want me to come up. I was the only person to be with her from college or even her hometown... that says something. We had great moments this weekend, and at times felt like a relationship renewed. She says she knows I'm the one but she needs time, maybe date others, maybe something else, she just doesn't know. I showered her with love and she knows exactly how I feel. She is the one I will marry, if she'll let me now. I made a HUGE mistake(s) many times but she's always been there. Now she's not, and I'm getting a taste.
I know I've been a jerk in the way I handled my emotions and trying to find out what I wanted in life and in a relationship. Now that I do know, I don't have the woman that I want. I'm so scared that she'll find someone else or decide she can't forgive me. I don't want her to make the mistake I made in not following her heart (I knew she was all the time but that damn tiny piece of insecurity tore all the love I had away to try to find a new love). Now I'm a wreck, some guys would call it being a woman... spontaneous crying upon thought, can't eat (I lost 5 pounds when at her place for 4 nights), don't really care about anything. I can't focus on my job search, which I hope ends in the city she resides in. I love E, I will marry E, if she will accept me.
Thanks to anyone who read this all. I hope it helps you understand the mental state I was coming from, which wasn't all that abnormal. Moral: Know yourself before you devote yourself to another. And if you don't know who you are, make sure you take into account your significant others feelings in the process. In hindsight I would never have broken up with her before my senior year. That would have made the difference between her and I being together now. I hurt the most because I know I screwed things up. If there's any advice you can give me please post! Thanks for reading again.[size=9:5b0d1ad4fe][/size:5b0d1ad4fe]
