Need insight into commitment-phobe guys (long post)
So even though I "know" guys (grew up w/3 brothers) and get along with guys better than I get along with girls, they are still confusing to me. Especially the commitment-phobe ones. I just don't understand how their actions will scream "yes, I'm in a relationship" but they won't talk about it, and will even go so far as to deny it. I don't get those guys.
So I started a new job this past December right before Christmas. When I first met Matt my first day of work, I instantly liked him and had a "feeling" that we would end up together. I had been included amongst his group of friends since early January, hanging out with him and our co-workers just about every weekend, usually both Friday and Saturday nights. He always initiated me hanging out with them.
He even asked me to come with him on a ghost tour of Chicago which just happened to be on Valentine's Day. The plan included a handful of our friends and co-workers, but everyone eventually backed out, so it was going to be the two of us. Well not enough people signed up for the tour so they canceled it, so him and I just went to a reptile convention in town instead. He invited a few more friends to come with to that, but they all back out so it was just us two together. So we went on a Valentine's date by default... After we got done in the early afternoon, he made a comment about a couple movies he was going to watch afterwards, but never asked me to join him, so I left it at that.
We have a LOT in common. And I mean a LOT. Like from the way we dress, to how we look, to the type of glasses we wear. We have the exact same sense of humor, taste in music, books, movies, shows. We're both Cancers and have the same personality quirks. We're both really into conspiracies and paranormal stuff. We both speak German. We were in the same clubs and organizations while in school, but since I'm 4 years older than him, we completely missed each other back then. He was also pretty good friends with one of my little brothers in grade school.
So anyway, I could tell that he liked me but I got a lot of mixed messages from him. One day he would seem really into me, and the next he would be talking to his best friend in front of me about some girl he was casually seeing, usually a complaint. This went on for a few months until mid March, him and I were casually texting more often and flirting a little bit over text, and he was saying how we should do some things together. Finally the first weekend of April he makes a move and suggest we should watch a movie together at my place. Well, watching a movie at 11pm turns into passionate make-out session well into the wee hours of the morning. He came over again the next night, and before he came over he had told me that I shouldn't expect "coupledom, marriage and the whole shebang" and I was cool with that. I knew he was very independent, a busy guy and seemed like the type to keep his options open, or at least leave himself an "out." I didn't care, I just really really liked him and really wanted to get closer to him. And besides, I knew once he really got to know me, he would think I was just the coolest chick in the world, and that he would eventually change his mind ;)
And I think things are going very well so far... Pretty much ever since we passionately made-out that first weekend of April, we've been gradually getting closer and closer. We've texted each other every single night since then, to the point where we're both in bed under the covers almost falling asleep while still texting each other. We constant flirt over text too. But no talking on the phone though, we actually talk to each other a LOT at work or while hanging out. He's called me a few times to finalize plans for the evening when we go out with friends, but that's about it.
We hang out with each other both Friday and Saturday nights most of the time. Usually with his best friend or our co-workers, but I always see him on the weekends none-the-less. And if his best friend is out on a date with his new girl, Matt will come over and hang out with me. If he has other plans, I don't care, I have other things I can do too.
We work with each other twice a week so we see each other then. Plus he also comes over to my place 1-3 weeknights to watch movies and other "stuff" ;) depending on how busy we are. Now, I'm afraid I might just be a "movie friend" or a friends with benefits type thing, but I don't really know.
We've never been on any dates together, except for the "default" Valentine's Day date, when things were still brewing. Last month we did go to a bunch of thrift stores one afternoon and had a bunch of fun together. That was after we had been "sort of" together for a few short weeks. Someone I knew had asked him if he was my boyfriend and he said something along the lines of "Well, I'm sure she would LIKE me to be, but...etc." I think I subconsciously blocked out his response at that point because I didn't like what I was hearing, lol. But lately he has been talking about doing some more things together instead of just watching movies, but we're both just so busy most of the time. The only real time we have is later at night and we're both night owls anyway. We are going to a roller derby match this Saturday, probably just the two of us since no one else has showed any interest. And I had been slightly hinting at doing more than just movie nights, and I think he's been getting the hint...
One thing I do want to point out is that I have made sure not to initiate a lot of this. I make it clear that I really like him and flirt with him, but I don't text him first, or don't ask him to hang out first. I let him do that 75% of the time. I don't want to seem too needy and figure if I pull back a bit, he'll feel free enough to come back for more. And so far it's been working out well. Plus I don't mind taking it super-slow. The last relationship I was in, we jumped right in and took things VERY fast. That one started with a bang and ended with a bang, numerous bangs, lol. So I like that this one has started out as a friendship first and is slowly progressing towards more...
So, being the over-analyzing girl that I am, I am probably thinking too hard into some of the things he has been saying and texting me recently. I mean, I think I have good reason to think that things may be going well, and that maybe he's been thinking about getting more serious? I dunno, that would be nice though. He had made a text comment a few days ago about being "regular soul-mates," and it's funny because I had thought that too. I even read it in an astrology book, our birthdays were each other's soul-mate matches. Anyways, he's also been making a lot of comments lately about family members of his having things in common with me, and how certain family members would probably like me. So I can tell those gears are turning for him. I haven't been over to his house yet, but he said that I will eventually come over there soon, and most likely meet his parents too. Friends with benefits don't usually do this, do they?
And he has been using the words "Us, we & our" a lot lately, and usually referring to the future. He's been talking about all sorts of movies and shows we gotta watch together too. I told him that it would take forever to watch all of this stuff at the rate we've been going and suggested a marathon movie day, and he really liked that idea. He's also a jokester and makes silly comments about us starting a Mates of State tribute band together, or us getting our own reality TV show together and doing it way better than the people we're watching. He really wants me to make him my infamous chicken noodler soup, and knows I probably won't get a chance to make it anytime soon, but says "someday, someday." Oh yeah, he has also commented to me a few times about how he's amazed that I haven't gotten sick of him and his crazy antics yet, lol. I really LIKE that part of him!
Matt's best friend Luke is all worried about the girl he's been seeing for the past few weeks. They've only had like 4 dates and already he's having the "What are we" conversation with her. I'm almost afraid to bring that up with Matt because I don't want to scare him away. Plus I feel like I'm holding back so much too.... I hate not knowing where exactly I stand. Anyone have any insight into this?
EDIT: I thought my post was pretty clear, but I need to clear up a few things. About the other girl, he was only casually seeing her BEFORE him and I started seeing each other. He was only going on a date here and there with her while him and I were still in friend mode. He stopped all contact with her and lost interest in her as soon as he started seeing me.
And it's his best friend bringing up the "What are we" talk to the girl he's been dating. Apparently the girl he's been seeing doesn't seem too interested in him, and HE's the one asking her where they stand...
