what category do my issues fall under?!
so last week, my bf of 1 1/2 yrs broke up with me because the day before, i asked him to call me after work.... he gets off work at 11:30. it becomes 12:30 and i call him and blew up on him. he said that i shouldnt be mad because im talking to him now but that got me even angrier and i hung up on him. he didnt call back after, so i sent him a really mean text message basically degrading him and telling him how " 'hurt' he's made me.. if hes not serious then get the **** outta my life..hes such a coward.." and it goes on and on and on. he woke up to that text the next morning and was so angry that he broke up with me and hasnt spoken to me for a week.
so a week after, we talked to get some closure and he told me that " theres things in the relationship that he cant fix... that he needs to focus more on himself and is tired of being stressed and coming home to more stress... he needs trust from as much as i need attention and reassurance from him and he cant give that anymore when i cant give him any trust...when im mad i completely disregard that he has any feelings at all... i think i trust him more than i actually do... the problems cant be fixed because i dont distinguish between small and large problems (they are all huge to me) and its something within me to fix and not him.. " hearing all that hurt because i knew that everything he told me is all TRUE.
when i went home and read my diary, i realized NOW (hella late!) that ive been such a bitch. i get so angry and negative over little things (getting really mad b/c a girl he used to like is now a work colleague so they are around each other, or hating his best friend b/c shes a girl and shes so nice that i feel like shes secretly undermining me, or even just hanging out with his guy friends to drink) because i was so scared of him leaving me, that i drove him to leave me anyways because of it.. i know he's a good guy with good intentions but for some reason, i compulsively obsess and get paranoid over the little doubts like "maybe he's secretly doing this, or hes going to do that".. id hold it in thinking it would go away eventually because most the time it wasnt a big deal, but i would compulsively think of the doubts and explode. i could not let any problem go unnoticed.
i am aware that i am stubborn, have insecurity, jealousy, and social anxiety issues and i do have a hard time trusting people and controlling my anger ( i had a really rough past due to family issues which i suspect is the reason why ). i didnt realize i had any of that until a year ago i broke down crying about all the issues i had stored inside of me .we didnt know how to fix it and i thought just recognizing it was all it took for it to go away..he was there for me whenever something of the past brought back the insecurities and id cry about it. i became too comfortable and dependent on him for reassurance.. and when things went bad, i blamed him for "getting me to trust him to tell him my feelings just to throw it back at me"..
it wasnt a bad relationship. we had so much love for each other. and we had alot of great moments together..weve talked about a future. but for some reason i didnt say much back to him when we were talking for closure. i didnt acknowlege the good parts of the relationship nor did i ask him how he felt about things. it kinda pissed us off that it took for him to leave for me to understand that i needed to get off my ass and do something about it. now im beating myself up over it because i cant have what i had and took for granted.
Im really sad over the breakup but i also know that there's alot to learn from it. im not trying to improve myself because i have all this hope that if he see's im more positive and self controlling, that he will give us another chance. no. (or yeah maybe, if it ever happens, hah). im doing this for myself because its something that i know i need to change and its unhealthy to be that negative.
So,ive been looking at self help books (always thought about reading one but havent done so until now) and theres so many to choose from.. i dont know what category my issues lie under... would obsessing over doubts.. or my inability to trust.. my negativity... be categorized as anxiety and ocd? anger management? self esteem? ... do anger management classes really work? or would it better to also seek counseling or see a psychologist? .....
what good books do you recommend?
