Consumed by hurt feelings of 12 years

I have been going to this shrink for the last 4 weeks, trying to figure out why i am mentally insane. we explored my jealous tendencies, my past relationships, my childhood and my insecurities. yesterday, we touched upon a sore spot, my 12 years failed marriage.

a lot of emotions came flushing back. i am recently divorced, and my mind has tricked itself into forgetting all the hurt and pain that i went through. i honestly have not a single fond memory of my 12 years marriage. none. she was my penpal for 4 years, i met her for 3 weeks and we got married. just like that. i was 23 years old. such a stupid schmuck. i was the perfect husband...worked hard...did housework....was passionate towards her. but there were problems. she was selfish, inconsiderate, mean, and extremely unintelligent. the sex was so bad i cringe when i think about it....yet i tolerated it for so long because i thought it was my duty to hold the family together. i buried all the hurtful things she said and did to me. my mind forgot all the times she insulted me openly in front of my friends. my brain hid the times when she wouldnt let me see my friends simply because my friends would make me happy. she was cruel like that...possessive. a nurse friend tried to talk me out of killing myself. before i knew it, wife threatened her....telling her to "stay away from my husband you whore!". i started drinking myself to a slow death. if it werent for my 2 kids, i would have jumped off a bridge a long time ago. i hated her so much....but i couldnt leave......my poor kids.... Finally, one day, she called every secretary in my company and asked if they were sleeping with me. i am a high executive in this company, and my own wife humiliated me and destroyed my reputation. all these years i had been faithful despite her cruelty, and she destroys me in the only safe haven....my professional environment. that's when i left her......i was done.

i was stupid to let her do this to me for so long. she has a comfortable life that i provide with my hard work. she hangs out with friends all day and sip latte while i bust my ass. our full time live-in nanny takes care of the kids more than she does. she's always complaining how everyone else has more money and a bigger house, we are just poor. she is dissatisfied that our house only has 4 bedrooms instead of 6. she's upset that she has to drive the kids to school instead of me because i work 12 hour days. its all about her. and now she has 1/2 of everything i worked for in the last 12 years. and now she decided she wants to take my kids with her as she starts a new life in china. no way....im gonna fight this... i am not losing my kids.

my experience has somewhat contributed to my insanity. i am grateful that my girlfriend is still with me through all this craziness. shes trying to help me stop hating....stop being angry...as my soul is suffering from my past. i dont know how.

God, that sucks. Every time I read about some lazy bitch taking all of her ex-husbands stuff, it brings me a little closer to never getting married.

I am sorry for what had happened to you. Other than the material stuff that had gone to waste, I feel more for the emotional hardships you went through. It was gracious of you to have tried to fix the problem and give it more hope inspite of the signs you would have took and left her...but you didn't because you were thinking about your kids. I pray that you can have the eventual peace you deserve. The important thing is that you admit that you have an emotional problem and that you are willing to move forward. Good things happen to good people....:)

You sound like you were emotionally battered. Poor guy. But, now that you are apart from your tormentor, things can only get better.

Keep up the counselling, it sounds like it is making you realize why you were so vulnerable to this kind of relationship. Be kind to yourself and take a hard, real look at yourself from this process. While there is no doubt your wife was a complete bitch, there are reasons you tolerated it for as long as you did.

Good luck.