:'( is it my fault? if it is, how can i regain his trust?

i fell in love with this amazing guy.... his name is Zaid.. and he has a marvelous personality... i cud open up anything to him.. i could cry infront of him without feeling exposed or vulnerable..i also did things with him that i would 've never done it with anyone before.....zaid's a muslim, im a catholic, he's 21 im 19, we dnt live far from each othr...but whaevert we had cud be simple described amazing...he cares about how he feels towards me.. so did i

there were few problems though( ofcrz there were) before Zaid, i was with this guy... mark.. which i ddnt let zaid know... bkuz i iled from d begining about it..... i was scared to admit it again because....Zaid does know that i used to stick around with bad influenced friends.. u knw.. who drink, smoke, flirt, mess around, go high etc... don't get me wrong.. the most i cud do is to smoke....moving on,
a frnd of mine got pergnant and damn i was in hell of a trouble.... which was traumatizing cuz i was blamed... i was the one who got them togethr.. i kept this from zaid bkuz i lied and admitting it again might make him think that ive gone too far with mark...but hey i dint... mark and i had a very short relationship.... keeps getting on and off...but then i ended it.... and we'r just good frnds.... stil i dint let zaid know... cuz i jjus wanted to be perfect.. evrytin was going perfect...

anothr problem..... i had this frnd... his name is jason.... very close frnd... he's too crazy abt me... zaid knows.. and he hated his guts....he composes songs and choreo dances for me...zaid told me to stay away from him.. yes i did.... that nite before i had to leave for philippines... jason and i were outside... talking.. like it'd be d last talk we cud ever hav.... we hugged at d end.... but i never expectd him to kiss me.... :'( you know that sudden moment when u know u have to do smtin bt u jus cant move.... cuz u duno whts going on? i was petrified... bt all i did was to push him away.. i felt terrible.. and i dint know how to tell this to zaid.. cuz i was leaving.. and this might affect my relationship....it's because i loved zaid.. so much! :'( i never liked jason.... i wasnt attracted to him...

days later, zaid found out! all wht ive been hiding from him.....:'( see, i was less active in my yahoo accounteversince i left mark.. so yea his emails are ther... i was into hotmail... and jason wrote down his feelings abt that nite when we kissed and thos days tht were memorable to him nd he sent it to my yahoo.... somebdoy hacked my yahoo and forwarded those mails to zaid...

he broke up with me...... :'( he thinks ive cheated on him..... it's not true... evrytin we had was soo special..... he blocked all direct contacts... i cnt msg him in fb, blocked me form msn.i wanted explain evrytin to him...bt i can't. tried approachin his friends... but they did all they could... :'(
he jus didnt wanna alk to me anymor.. those days jason mentioned... i coud harldy remember wht were they.. how could that be memorable.. those are prolly school days, dance practises.. thanks giving parties aftr church.. who knows? :'( zaid complety misunderstood me... and he wudnt make me explain..
i know how badly he's hurt cuz i wasn't too open abt my past.. it's jus that i wanted to be d best cuz h'se differnt...

:'( this is his exact text "pia, im giving this alot of thought. as long as my parents are concerned, they will say out of this and so shud urs. but now i think it's best if u moved on. this will be the last of us talking. i need to sort my life out... Goodbye!"

deep inside me.. i desperately want to explain.. and to ask him to give this anothr chance.... :'( i'l do anytin it takes....
he was jus evrytin about me.... and it'l take a lifetime for me to rebuild myslef again... :'(
please help me... :'(
i loved him and i still do... he missunderstood me

Why don't you just write a letter explaining how it was a misunderstanding? There are plenty of ways you can contact someone without the use of some stupid electronic aid. Seems a lot of young people forget the benefits of a proper, handwritten letter. Stop by his house and slip it into his mailbox before you have to go to the Philippines. If he still won't accept you back, forget it and move on. You're 19, not 99, there are plenty of opportunities for 'love' later on.

im already in philippines..... i did wrote an essay... but he hasnt replied to it.. i doubt whethr he read it or ignored and deleted it... :( i sound desperate... even if its not taking me back, i jus want him to believe me... i went too far with zaid.... it's so hard to move on... its soo hard for me to break that commitment... shud i give him time? do u think he'l realize it and get back to me?

If you've tried everything to make him believe you, and you're being completely honest, and he's being stubborn, that's his problem now. Maybe he's not such a great partner after all if he's incapable of responding and giving you some sense of closure on this. If you're in two separate countries/continents now, I doubt he'll take you back. Forget about him and move on. You shouldn't depend on some guy to make you happy.

I'm wondering why a guy would talk about a kiss, mention feelings etc and especially if you pushed him back when he went in for this kiss. If you had pushed him back and like you said you did, then I would've expected Jasons mail to be full of apologies that he had tried to kiss you?? It is not surprising Zaid has read more into this situation and thinks it is more, than you say it is.

Obviously he is angry, hence deleting you from everything.

He may just need time to cool down, but then he may view it that you broke his trust and he can't trust you again.

Only time wil tell.

at Alvy: ... i'l consider it... but it's not suppose to end it that way... i cnt leave him thinking i cheated on him...it's unfair ... i'l need time...

at Xxazurexx: one thing i'm regreting was... not slapping jason.. or screaming at him... but that doesnt mean i liked him, or im attracted to him.i dnt want this to happen.. i believe jason wrote down his feelings bkuz it was his first kiss( as he mentioned it in d mail)..he did apologized online.... bt i never expected him to write it all down in a mail nd send it to me in my yahoo...

does it mean i can never hav his trust back?

^^Once you are considered to have broken someones trust, it is hard for them to ever trust you again.

If you have a way of contacting him, then I would send him an email or letter and explain it and in full from your side.

Then it's down to him and if he chooses to listen and forgive. If not, there isn't a lot else you can do but hope he comes around eventually.

i have his email id... but i dnt think now's a right time to confront him.. cuz ive sent my close frnds to do talk to him.. nd he's being too hard... are you sure about doing this for me? it's really a big help..

^^If I was you, I would write that email, yes.

Don't rely on your friends and to set the record straight for you. You have to set it straight yourself and he'd probably prefer hearing it from you, rather than 'second hand' and through your friends.

Don't expect to hear from him immediatley though. He's likely still angry and hurt and it may still take him a while to come around and be ready to talk.

T_T i already sent him one... but i stress myself whether he read the mail, or he ignred and deleted it.... maybe he needs time to cool down after all wht he read...
through your perspective, does it looked like i used him?