Breakup issues

This is the 2 month anniversary of my romantic breakup with a girl and I still think about it.

I'm 27 years old and this is my first relationship that I had with a girl. Since then, I have moved out of state.

I was dating a girl for 3 months on the weekend. We made out and at that point, I fell in love with her. In late March we had "sex" (although I really didn't consider it to be sex because we did not engage in vaginal intercourse) and a week later I basically said something like "Just wondering when you'd like to come back to my place and f***". Iin doing so, she says "you shouldn't say those types of things" and that what I said was sexually degrading

Then she tells me 3 weeks later she says that she does not feel romantically connected to me because of that. What hurts even more is that she says something like "I would have given you my vagina, but I didn't because of what you said".

For the first 2 weeks, I felt suicidal, self hating and misogynistic. I felt guilty that I was a patriarchial oppressor and therefore feeling unworthy of standing up for myself and feeling like I deserved to have women walk all over me just to make up for this.

Now I just wish that she knew how painful sexual rejection is for me. It wouldn't have been this bad either had we not fooled around and gotten sexual. It wasn't right for me to say those things to her. But I feel like she lied to me about love. Because I know what I said was wrong, but I resent her and I don't know how if I'll ever want to get into a relationship ever again or feel worthy enough for a woman ever again.

One of the reasons she left me is because I have seen internet escorts before and although when I first told her about this, she didn't leave me, she told me that it made her feel like I would be seeing her as a prostitute. So when I say the "just wondering when you'd like to come back to my place and f***", in her mind, that confirmed it.

The thing is, I have never been able to receive sex on my own, (since I've had to pay for it, and the only other time I've gotten it for free was through a friend who brought over a girl who wanted to have sex with a bunch of men). The fact that I have not been able to do that for free and like 80% of other guys have makes me feel sometimes like there is this curse that I need to break in my life. It is a curse lingering over me which brings to me feelings of loneliness, self hatred, and even at times considerations of suicide.

The curse was only strengthened when my ex-girlfriend said "I would have given you my vagina, but I didn't because of what you said".