My sick/twisted life. Help?
Well... heres my story I guess. Warning you now, its a little ****ed up.
I have recently turned 21, and it's so weird to be typing my life out, makes it really seem like only an instant went by.
Damn I don't even know where to start. My family is basically a big mess, I lived with my mother my entire life- she kicked my father out when I was one. Growing up, as much as I hated not having a father figure around, in retrospect, I am actually around- hes a huge asshole and if I grew up near him I would either grow up hating his guts and fighting with him all the time, or worse, i'd become just like him. So it's a mixed blessing either way I guess.
So he lives in another state, where he married some lady from the phillipines. My dad is a filthy greedy person, his sole purpose in life is to hoard as much money as he can, and not spend a dime of it. I really wonder why he likes to be consumed in his own greed sometimes. He was given 10 grand to marry this girl from the phillipines, so that she could get American citizenship. Goes to show just how much he loves money I suppose.
So they had a kid, my half sister, she's 5 years younger then I. I absolutely love her, and would visit my father from time to time, maybe every other year or so. As much animosity as there was between me, my father, and my mother, I always loved my sister to death.
Well when I was 12 years old, I did something. Something that I will regret for a very long time. One night when I was at my fathers house, I was with my sister... and we just started touching eachother. It was ****ed up, I know. But it happened... now I didn't manipulate her or anything, infact neither of us spoke the whole time... we were just doing things we weren't suppose to do. Obviously, even though I didn't tell her anything, I am still at fault for not stopping it in the first place, I know this.
For a few years I made nothing of this. I thought we would just eventually forget about that night. And for awhile, I did. I still spoke with my sister on the phone a lot, and everything seemed fine. Due to financial reasons, I didn't visit my father after that for the next 4 or 5 years.
So fast forward, I graduate, and I go to college. After my first year of college, someone comes to my door. He tells me to come down to the local police station asap. I had no clue wtf he was talking about, so I just went down and didn't have a clue. He takes me into an interrogation room. Asks me if I 'know why i'm here'. I say no... he then mentions my sisters name... and obviously, I knew why from there.
He begins asking me weird questions, 'Do you love your sister?' What kind of question is that? Of course I love her... basically she told one of her friends what had happened, and she told other friends, and eventually their church committee, and then the police and my father obviously. My father immediately went to the local police and filed a police report for me 'raping' my sister. He got a bunch of people to 'testify' to their local detective that I had 'basically raped my sister' and a bunch of other nonsense to make me look like a horrible person.
Well, I told the detective in the interrogation room my side of the story, and he kept telling me 'that this is more common then you think in families' and blah blah, and sends me home and says he doesn't know what will happen next. I had no ****ing clue either.
About 6 months of nothing go by, and I get an 'Unknown Caller' on my cell phone, it's the detective from the state that my Father/sister live in. He says that there's a warrant for my arrest. I freak out obviously. He says you can either come at your own expense/leisure, or you can stay where you are and we'll come and arrest you. He told me that a public defender will be giving me a call shortly. After 3 days of suspense, my PD finally calls me. He said it would be very beneficial to me if I come to the court date here on my own expense, which of course I agreed to(Hell no im not gonna sit around and wait to simply be jailed, booked for court which can take weeks after you're arrested).
I speak with him over the phone several times as the weeks progress, and he basically tells me I can take this to trial, and will have to put my entire family on the stand, or I can take a plea bargain, and not go to trial. I was so ****ing scared, I took the plea bargain. I still don't know if it was the best idea, but I was scared... and ultimately, I didn't want to have to see my sister on the stand, testifying against me. If this were to happen, I don't think I could ever have recovered by this incident.
So they charged me with 2 felonies, and 1 gross misdemeanor. Whatever that means. My PD says that if I take the bargain, they'll agree to drop the most severe felony, and keep the other one 'open' until I complete probation until my 21st birthday, and the gross misdemeanor stays on(which gets erased when i turn 21).
I agree obviously. He mailed me the paperwork, I signed it, and returned it to him. Meanwhile, My grandma here is dying, and my mom is feuding with my immediate family here, because none of my aunties/uncles want to care for my grandma while shes dying, they all basically want her to just die so they can sell her house and split the money... so my mom is the only one caring for her, bringing her to our house and caring for her. She had a stroke and I basically had to carry her up/downstairs everyday, and into the car. My mom was also always away from home, at the hospital with her. My mom started smoking again when this happened, and lost a lot of weight(not in a healthy way, stress related obviously).
I felt so alone not being able to tell my mom, there was no way I could burden her with my issues, and the face that I might have to serve time. I wish I did though, because she eventually found out after I flew to my court cases twice, to plea, and for my sentencing hearing.
So the sentencing date. My father is in the courtroom, but not my sister. Thank god... I wouldve broken down in tears if I had seen her there. My PD says not to say anything to the judge, and just say your plea and be quiet. So I do... however, I wish I didn't. My father starts crying(A fake cry, I know this cry he does, he does it all the time... and it works to people not in his family), and makes up a fake story about how I am such a bad person... and I molested my 7 year old sister.. and how his family is so devastated. I'll never forget the last words he told me "You are the worst person I have never know, judge, please punish him to the fullest extent of the law" Gee, thanks dad!
Anyway, the judge though for a long time, meanwhile i'm sweating on my palms and completely 100% on edge, the judge agrees to the plea bargain of probation and 'sex offense counseling' however, he also sentences me to 60 days in the detention center! (Im 19 at this time mind you), and he closed it. My father smiled and left the court room.
I fly back to where I live, and that week is when my grandma died. The very day of her funeral, my father calls my trouble making auntie, and tells her that Im gonna get jailed for 60 days(Judge agreed I could do this in the winter or summer, to not conflict with college). She then tells everyone on my moms side of the family, and then she obviously finds out. ****ing chaos at this point, my mom got devastated. I have never seen someone so sad in my life.
I talk to my PD and we eventually get it reduced to 30 days, with 240 hours of community service. A blessing I guess, but I still have to be jailed? In a youth detention center for 30 days... What the hell am I supposed to do?
At this point I feel insane. My own father, who chose to NEVER be there for me(Him and my mom have been fighting since I was born, so having me fail in life by going to jail, ultimately in my fathers eyes makes my mother fail, and makes my father feel like he 1upped my mom on this one). Hard to believe, but it's true, thats exactly how he thought in this mess. Me looking like a child molester makes my mother look like a bad parent, I am simply an extension in the feud between my mother and my father.
Since it's 30 days, I can now do it in the winter time, instead of summer. It was now october, 2 months away before I admit myself for my incarceration. I can't take this. I still hangout with friends and keep this all inside... I see them smiling and laughing... enjoying life. I can't do that right now. Im about to go to JAIL! How the hell am I suppose to laugh and smile right now? But I somehow do it anyway, to hide everything I so desperately needed to get out.
my sex offense counselor is very skeptical of me. He listens to me for weeks, and at first thought I really was a bad person- a molester. He deals with assholes like me everyday, younger and older. Even though this happened when I was 12, it's no different to him. I still don't know why I did this to my sister, especially since I love her so much. I hope this counselor knows why! As time goes by, he begins to realize just how much of an ass my father is. He said most parents don't do this, they should help their kids, and not simply try to jail them. And he is right... like I said, my father simply saw this as his one and only chance to 'win' against my mother. Gah.
It's november, almost time to admit myself over. I begin to tell my friends that i'll be away for winter break, in another state visiting family. They all buy my story of course... if only they knew. My counselor and I slowly start building a good bond, hes more like a friend now. Giving me a lot of life advice, and how to put things into correct perspective here, and how to apply it o my life accordingly. Meanwhile, My father and my troubled Aunt are conspiring against me and my mother, making up completely BS stories and telling it to my family, about how i'll have to register as a sex offender, and how Im going to jail for several months, and making so many threats to me and my mother. With my grandma dead, my whole family is in chaos, all trying to get a piece of what little wealth she left behind. It was truly sad I must say. We just want to be left alone, but we cant- my family is severely disfunctional.
I finally fly over the state and admit myself for my 30 days. Im 20 years old, doing 30 days of jail time with a bunch of 14-17 year olds. Most of them black/mexican, I was one of the few white kids there. All of them some here for some sort of drug selling, or battering charges. They are all punks... I got that feeling immediately. They all think the world is against them, and they didn't listen to the staff the entire time I was there, they were all almost always on full 24 hour lockdown... though they let me and some other kids watch TV, play cards... and some other crap. Boring things to make the day go buy a little quicker. I read a lot of books. It was the only place I found inner peace while in 'jail', the only vent that took me out of reality was reading books, and meditating every night.
It felt like forever in there. I worked out a lot in my cell at night... so many situps/crunches/pushups... all sorts of variations... I still get the feeling that i'm in my cell when I do pushups or situps today... that sense of being 100% alone... and angry/sad/confused... and fatiguing your body to hopefully subside the pain... can't explain it really.
So it felt like forever, however before I knew it I was on a plane back home... on first class believe it or not(standby). I was on a ****ing first class flight back home, sipping free red wine... and I just spend 30 days in a jail outfit that was worn by thousands of kids before me. what. the. hell.
Probation is a joke, they simply told me call them once a month, and dont get in trouble. It's three months before I turn 21, and thus my 'closing' of this case... my PD started scaring me by saying that the judge could still have me register as a sex offender, though HIGHLY unlikely. My mom starts to panic... though I knew in my mind that it wouldn't happen. I don't blame my mom though...
Closing court date arrives sooner then expected... I finally got to speak to the judge this time, and spilled my heart out. Told him how I loved my sister with all my heart, and truly regret that I did. Even though I felt that the 30 days of detention was absurd, it's in the past now. Father didn't show up to the closing court date- a shame really... I thought at the very least he was going to show up again to try and make me look bad in court.
And that's the end of that basically. All the charges were deleted, my juvenile record was sealed... and I was basically told to act like this never happened.
My counselor is now a good friend of mine, and it feels like I can finally start a new chapter in my life. A chapter with unconditional love and forgiveness. Forgiveness of my father, for blowing the one shot he had at truly being a 'dad' to me, when instead he would rather have his own son jailed, and the ties between his sibling ruined. Forgiveness of myself, understanding that I was very young and although I should have known better, it's in the past. I am different now.
Will there be a day when I am reunited with my sister? I hope so. She has a facebook.. so when she gets a bit older(18 im looking at), I will send her a detailed message, and hopefully she writes back, and hopefully the void in my heart can be filled.
My father? Well, he is 60 years old now. I thought about calling him. I thought about writing him a letter with all my thoughts, but then I realized, he is 60. He isn't changing at this point. He is who he is... there is no point in feeding his fire.
And that's where I am now basically. I have been thinking about writing my father a letter, and putting it in a wine bottle and casting it into the ocean... just to get the urge off of my chest. However ultimately... I long for the day I am able to be a true brother to my sister, to let her know how much I truly love her. Deep down inside... I know that she knows. She had no clue of the tension between me, father, and my mom. But one day she might... but I am confident that she loves me too... and it will just take a few years before we can be reunited(as much as I hate to say that)... my father will stand in my way until the day he dies. However, he is going to have to live with that for the rest of his life, not me.
Wow! geez... you actually read all of that?
I didn't know where else to turn, I can't bare telling this story to my close friends. I just can't, but yet, it needed to come out so badly.
I am having trouble letting women get close to me, I end up freaking out when they do. I ask myself 'Do you really deserve this girls feelings?'. I am scared that i'll do something wrong again, even though I know I wont. I just feel so empty and unworthy of a relationship, yet I know I long for one. Please help?
