Please psycho analyze me

Dear ladies,

For more than 20 years I have saved myself for the perfect woman. I have not succeeded in finding her, and the longer it takes the harder it gets to resist the temptation. It's as if I have ran a marathon in the desert and I see an oasis all the time, hoping that she is the one. Even though I am tired of satisfying myself, it is not purely a sexual matter. I feel a very strong need to be loved and to be touched in a more than friendly way. I do not know that feeling because I have never experienced it

I have met very decent women. One of them was attractive, kind, caring and all that. But I didn't fall for her. We could be friends but to me it felt as if there was no natural click between us. Because she was so kind that it seemed rehearsed.

I also met loud women, self assured, not so caring, with a "who gives a F" - attitude. Most guys despise them, but for some idiotic reason I keep falling for them. 2 years ago I fell for an alcoholic with over 20 bed partners at the age of 21. I kept focusing on that bright spot inside of her and hoped to change the rest. So I told her and got rejected badly

After that rejection I was full of it. Failed for nearly every course in college (2 consecutive years), became a degenerate (but winning) online poker player, messed up relationships with friends, messed up my relationship with my parents. I got into online poker because it was the only thing that made me feel good, and the fact that I have made a few thousand dollars from it this year made me want to continue doing it. But it is not healthy, on some days I was playing for 10 hours straight

Now I've met someone new. Younger than I am, and fun to hang out with. A rebel at home who doesn't seem to give a F about what is happening. She is honest though and I think that's what attracted me in her apart from her great looks, but I'm not sure.

I talked to her a few times and liked her a lot. Now it seems that she has also had many bed partners, uses guys to make other guys jealous, cheats on multiple guys at the same time, puts lyrical emotional texts on her homepages and probably 6 guys at the same time think that those lines are about them. And the bad thing is that I seem to care more than I'm willing to admit.
To say it briefly, I think I have fallen in love with another pathological attention seeker. It is the second time it happens and I am not ready to fall into the same pattern as 2 years ago. It has cost me 2 years of my life to get over it.

Why does it happen to me? What is it that makes them attractive for me? Is it because I do not have self esteem and they have too much, so it compensates?
I wish I had control of it, but I feel very strong emotions for women who just aren't worth it. And it seems that many guys feel something for that type of girls. If there is anything I can do to feel better or to avoid being pushed around by those women, please tell me. I keep wondering why girls fall for guys who will never change, because I am so much better. But the same happens to me and I hope you can tell me why.

I haven't taken the time to introduce myself completely because I do not want ppl to recognize me.

Hope to hear many female opinions about this.

Big hug,

Jesus

before i say anything i have a couple questions that will help me come to a more educated guess ;). what is your background like as a child? how were your parents, what was their relationship like?

and i'd like to note that this girl you are currently interested in sounds like she has low self-esteem... you say she's honest? all of her behavior that you listed SCREAMS dishonest.

Hi

I have had an easy youth. My dad was very caring and overprotective. He taught me all the values in life. I have not stolen my nickname, friends tell me I remind them of Jesus and I must say I have a very Cathological ideology about life. I believe that I should treat all people well and never ever use a girl just to fullfill my personal needs.

I've never been close with my mother. My parents have always been together but mostly because my dad is an amazing guy who makes everything work. And I've never been able to talk about love and sex with my parents because it was a hidden subject. I have the sexual knowledge of a 14 year old.

The girl I just mentioned says she falls for loud guys, usually older. She might have low self esteem for no reason. She is very pretty and probably knows it. And I think she enjoys it too, she induces sexual comments with the sl"tty image that she seems to sell publically.

I've spent a lot of time writing stuff on fora and it makes me feel understood once in a while. But the thing is, I don't understand myself. And I hope that any of you can make me realize what is going on. It's time to pick up my life again and work on my self esteem. They say you can't love someone if you don't love yourself and I believe that.
Even though I'm disciplined in my decisions, I do not love myself

Well, you might have answered your own question. You have to love yourself first. How happy you are is entirely your responsibility. You sound like you might be one of those guys who likes the "fixer upper" kind of girl which is a mistake. Focus on fixing yourself first. Once you love yourself you'll attract those girls who love themselves. You seem to have a lot of respect for yourself and the hopefully soon you'll meet one that captivates your attention and also has self respect.

I know, like, ten guys named Jesus. Just sayin'.

You're extremely disconnected from life. You seem to see things in extreme, black-and-white terms. Hae you ever thought about just asking someone out for coffee, even if she wasn't "the one"?

I go out a lot but haven't asked many girls out. And if I do, I do it in group.
I feel disconnected from life indeed. I think I dive into the computer world to escape from reality, but it's hard for me to get out of that rythm at this point.
I've heard a lot about my black and white perpective before, you're not the first one who tells me that. Guess that's me

ty for replying Allsmiles

How would you suggest to help me change myself? I want to change but wonder how to start