Heartache.

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22-06-10, 12:25 AM
CRC

Heartache.

So.. my girlfriend broke up with me 9 months ago. We were together for 5 years, I was absolutely sure she was the one. I wanted to get married and all that stuff. We started dating when we were 15. I know we started off pretty young.. but I guess being with her for that long, it felt like it was going to last "forever". Our relationship wasn't exactly the healthiest one out there. She cheated on me more then a handful of times. And I always took her back because I was so in love. I'll admit I cheated twice, but I felt like I just did it because she did it. A lot of my friends told me to leave her and that I didn't deserve any of her bullshit anymore. But I could never leave her.. I kept taking her back.

One year I went out of town for a couple of weeks.. she broke up with me through an email. Telling me that she was sorry in advance, I guess before I came back and found out what she did. Well I came back, and a friend told me that she was dating one of my really good buddies. I was hurt, upset, angry.. just everything fell apart in my life. Went downhill from there.. but after 2 months of them dating, she came back to me. And yes, stupid me took her back. Thinking that nothing could stop us now, if we could get past THAT.. then wow. I told her she needed to prove to me that she wouldn't do anything like that again, and that she wanted to be with me and only me. We started going out again, a couple months after she wanted to go on a break.. telling me she needed to see other people because we've been together for so long. She wanted to see what else was out there. After a month she came back again. Yeah I took her back. I loved her, what can I say. She still kept cheating on me here and there, I guess I was dumb enough to take her back after every time. Well 9 months ago, she told me she was going to leave and stay with family outside of the country for a bit. We both knew this was going to happen, and she told me that we should break up. That maybe this would be the best for us, and her being away would make it easier for the both of us to move on. I was devastated, it was like.. 5 years of going through all that pain.. and taking her back.. and then she decides to leave me just like that.

She left, but while we she was there.. we would talk via IM and we acted like a couple still. After a month, she stopped talking to me. She didn't want to be attached to me anymore.. she wanted everything to be over. Nothing to do with me. I found out she started talking to that best buddy of mine she dated a year ago. They got close, and when she came back.. I found out they were at it again. I told myself that was the last of it, that if she tried coming back I would ****ing shoot myself if I took her back. I never took her back after that. I found out after 2 weeks of them doing whatever they were doing, she didn't want to be with him anymore.

But now she's had a boyfriend for about half a year now.. and we still talk and see eachother. But when we saw each other a couple months ago.. we kissed and she even spent a night. Nothing like that happened, but a lot of cuddling kissing.. missing each other after 7 months. It felt so surreal to me. I felt like I was falling in love all over again. Her touch her kiss.. everything. But she had a boyfriend, and is still with him. And never told him about it. And now it seems like every time she's having issues with him, she comes to me. But the kissing stopped and all that.. and we just hangout. But I can't help but flirt, and I still feel like I'm chasing her sometimes..

I guess I posted this.. in regards to what the hell should I do?! I thought I was over her. I even changed my number, but ended up giving it to her. I can't seem to cut her out of my life.. and I don't know what the hell will help me! I'm incredibly lost in every way.
22-06-10, 04:20 AM
pinkinterlude

Firstly it seems like the problem is that you are so used to her, she is the only thing you know, and you seem to have put her up on a pedastal. It's almost as if your idea of love is her. that there is no one else in the world. I'll admit I haven't spent 5 years with someone, so I won't pretend that I know exactly how you feel, but i can imagine how heartbroken you must be. It seems like she knows how much you love her and is kinda using it to her advantage. You took her back so many times and forgave her because you loved her. It's like she's believes she can get away with anything.

From a girls persepctive, it seems like because you two got together so young and have since spent five years together, she has only experienced a relationship with one person; you. I think she obviously loved you because why else would she choose to with you for so long, there's no doubt about that. but I think maybe she saw her friends being single, having various boyfriends etc etc, and was curious as to what she was missing out on. I don't for one minute condone cheating, and I think it takes a secure, forgiving person to take someone back after that.

Her behaviour seems to refelct how confused she is. she doesn't seem to know what she wants and you seem to be some sort of secure safety net for her. She knows how things can be with you, she knows how much you love her,, how much you've been there for her in the past. This is not necessarily a bad thing, she obviously feels safe with you, which is why she seems to be going back and forth. It's the grass is greener situation, where she thought a new relationship would be a certain way in her head but doesn't quite live up to expectation in reality.

I know you're in a difficult situation because you have tried to move on, but it doesn't help when the person you're trying to forget keeps turning up. I know how you dont know whether or not to stick around for that chance that you two may reconcile or to move on. I was in a similar situation. but you can't wait around for anyone because all you are doing is prolonging the pain. If I was you, I'd be asking myself, can I trust her? I think your answer will probably be no, mine would be too, and trust is the central point of any relationship. I think you should talk to her and tell her that you need to move on, and that you can't hang out with her anymore. Maybe mention that she is with someone else now and it's not fair on him. And then stick to this because if you go back on your word, you are showing her that she will always be an exception. Even if this is true, she shouldn't know this because she'll carry on taking advantage. I think you've spent way too long on this, you've been with her for five years, plus the 9 months that you've been apart. I don't think anything will change for a while because she does seem confused and jumping from one guy to another isn't helping her to figure things out. she should probably be on her own for a while.
Make a clean break from her for a while, it doesn't have to be permenant but give enough time for you to not expect so much from her. I hope you are okay, good luck.
22-06-10, 08:10 AM
Teddy057

Alright, I stopped reading this post after you said you both cheated on one another a "few" times. You were both young and stupid, and clearly not ready for a relationship.

What should you do? Move the fu** on. Why would you want to keep putting yourself through this bullshit? Seriously man, go find a girl that won't give you the run around for the rest of your life. The truth is, you will probably never be over this girl if you keep hanging around her. She's using you as a safety net, something happens with her ex, she comes running to you. Do yourself a favor and never talk to this girl again. Honestly man, wake up.
22-06-10, 09:43 AM
IncognitoSir

Quote:

Originally Posted by Teddy057 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Alright, I stopped reading this post after you said you both cheated on one another a "few" times. You were both young and stupid, and clearly not ready for a relationship.

What should you do? Move the fu** on. Why would you want to keep putting yourself through this bullshit? Seriously man, go find a girl that won't give you the run around for the rest of your life. The truth is, you will probably never be over this girl if you keep hanging around her. She's using you as a safety net, something happens with her ex, she comes running to you. Do yourself a favor and never talk to this girl again. Honestly man, wake up.

Ditto, this is the truth.
22-06-10, 12:36 PM
CRC

Quote:

Originally Posted by pinkinterlude [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Firstly it seems like the problem is that you are so used to her, she is the only thing you know, and you seem to have put her up on a pedastal. It's almost as if your idea of love is her. that there is no one else in the world. I'll admit I haven't spent 5 years with someone, so I won't pretend that I know exactly how you feel, but i can imagine how heartbroken you must be. It seems like she knows how much you love her and is kinda using it to her advantage. You took her back so many times and forgave her because you loved her. It's like she's believes she can get away with anything.

From a girls persepctive, it seems like because you two got together so young and have since spent five years together, she has only experienced a relationship with one person; you. I think she obviously loved you because why else would she choose to with you for so long, there's no doubt about that. but I think maybe she saw her friends being single, having various boyfriends etc etc, and was curious as to what she was missing out on. I don't for one minute condone cheating, and I think it takes a secure, forgiving person to take someone back after that.

Her behaviour seems to refelct how confused she is. she doesn't seem to know what she wants and you seem to be some sort of secure safety net for her. She knows how things can be with you, she knows how much you love her,, how much you've been there for her in the past. This is not necessarily a bad thing, she obviously feels safe with you, which is why she seems to be going back and forth. It's the grass is greener situation, where she thought a new relationship would be a certain way in her head but doesn't quite live up to expectation in reality.

I know you're in a difficult situation because you have tried to move on, but it doesn't help when the person you're trying to forget keeps turning up. I know how you dont know whether or not to stick around for that chance that you two may reconcile or to move on. I was in a similar situation. but you can't wait around for anyone because all you are doing is prolonging the pain. If I was you, I'd be asking myself, can I trust her? I think your answer will probably be no, mine would be too, and trust is the central point of any relationship. I think you should talk to her and tell her that you need to move on, and that you can't hang out with her anymore. Maybe mention that she is with someone else now and it's not fair on him. And then stick to this because if you go back on your word, you are showing her that she will always be an exception. Even if this is true, she shouldn't know this because she'll carry on taking advantage. I think you've spent way too long on this, you've been with her for five years, plus the 9 months that you've been apart. I don't think anything will change for a while because she does seem confused and jumping from one guy to another isn't helping her to figure things out. she should probably be on her own for a while.
Make a clean break from her for a while, it doesn't have to be permenant but give enough time for you to not expect so much from her. I hope you are okay, good luck.

Your reply helped me realize a lot. It seems like you understand my situation quite clearly, and this coming from a girl actually gave me that boost of confidence I needed. I think I will talk to her, and tell her that I need to move on. I won't lie, I have tried that before. But I still kept talking to her. I guess now is a good time to tell her we can't be friends for now. I need to move on and she needs to figure out what she wants..

Thank you for the advice! Really appreciate it.
22-06-10, 10:17 PM
cmacattack1

For the good of BOTH of you, you need to stop talking to her. Period. You shouldn't really care about her best interests after everything she put you through, but it's for your own good too. You keep telling yourself you won't take her back, but next thing you know, she is STILL spending the night and still kissing you even after she dates somebody else. This is not healthy, this is not right, this is not what a relationship is about. And the sad part is, this is what she thinks a relationship IS about. She's been doing it for five years, she needs a serious reality check. You have to stop talking to her. Imagine the shock it's going to be for her when YOU tell her that YOU need space from her.

She's going to keep trying to walk all over you, and you need to lay down the law. Be assertive, tell her that this is not right and you need to move forward with your life. If she keeps trying to contact you, just don't respond at all, even if it kills you to ignore her. You are doing the right thing for you. She's like a drug and you need to get her out of your system. You know it's bad for you, and yet you want to use it just to stave off the withdrawal symptoms. Going through the serious transition from high school to college age with these shenanigans has left you behind the 8 ball in terms of relationship experience but you will be okay without her. She is not the only one for you even if you think she is right now, and you will find somebody that you can be happy with and above all treat you with the decency that a loving boyfriend should receive.

Keep telling yourself that logically, you two can't work out. She hasn't changed one bit in her behavior in five years and the longer you put up with it, the longer she is going to ride this kind of immaturity out. Put an end to the horrible cycle of pain and hurt, relationships are about enhancing your experience. Not clinging to a sad, pathetic existence because you are afraid of being alone.
26-06-10, 05:03 AM
pinkinterlude

Quote:

Originally Posted by CRC [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Your reply helped me realize a lot. It seems like you understand my situation quite clearly, and this coming from a girl actually gave me that boost of confidence I needed. I think I will talk to her, and tell her that I need to move on. I won't lie, I have tried that before. But I still kept talking to her. I guess now is a good time to tell her we can't be friends for now. I need to move on and she needs to figure out what she wants..

Thank you for the advice! Really appreciate it.

No worries, glad I could help. As others have said on here, I think you should distance yourself from her. I know its probably not what you want to do but you seem to know that it is probably the right thing to do for now. the one thing you'll get from not being in the middle of it all is clarity. you'll be able to think straight and maybe even see things from a different perspective from what you do now. you'll have time to think with your head rather than your heart. Thats what I've figured out from my situation. try to focus on other things, see friends etc etc. You seem like a mature, strong person, I think you'll get through it.