help wit bestfriend

i hate women, i dated one for a while and she ripped me up into a million pieces, im not gay i still want to do women i just have no feelings towards them, BUT one of my few closest friends who is a chick that i've known for so long and she seen me get ripped to pieces and probably knows that i hate that bitch. truthfully i cannot get over her that is why i cannot be with another woman i still have nightmares about her and still when i see happy couples and everything i get upset because i think of her... but this friend i have i guess i do like her because i tried to get wit her and she deaded me but my brother also told me she was throwing up in the bathroom but she came home wit me? haha im really bad wit women as u can see cuz anyone else would've just railed her but i took the im a nice guy approach n got her dominos which probably added to the nausea she was experiencing lol... hopefully she reads this and then knows but in a way i hope she doesn't... but yeah she still called me the nxt day to hang out which was 420 haha ironic because me and her completely split 2 different ways but still keep in touch... this is a girl that has a lot of bf's and when she doesn't we hang out and its awesome i love hanging out wit her and i get happy when i know im gonna see her.. i never really thought about how much i liked her you know sometimes i was drunk and was like oh man i love this chick but like was never really sure.. i stopped drinking and all the other stupid things i did before meh and her always enjoyed a good night out, but idk i found other things and she continued and thats basically how htings always went. she came over once in a while we hung out and watched movies and stuff she'd tell me abt who shes talking to and i'd juss joke around wit her acting like i didn't really care but i always wished it was me. i finally realized prolly juss now cuz im writing this that i really really do like her i might even love her idk lol this is like a 3 year relationship thing where i had a thing for her but idk sometimes i feel like yeah i can get used to this and like im confused tho..... that night she threw up i tried to kiss her and she deaded me (note that she threw up) <--- thats my manhood saying "no she didn't dead you" haha but why would she call the nxt day? then like maybe like less than a year ago we were in my basement we were drinking and it was juss meh n her rite bfore she started going out wit my bestfriend.. ya i kno miserable lol haha but yeah i think we had like one of those moments like where she kinda leaned in but im a pussy and was like OH gotta move hhahah but yeah idk.. i juss feel like i had to let this out because idk wut to do.. shes wit my closest friend like now its 100% completely different cuz now i can never be with that chick and if u tell me it doesn't matter n if he was my real friend i'd understand well SORRY life doesn't work that way for me and prolly not him either lol.... but am i gonna always be in this miserable state where im attracted to every girl i cannot have? i sometimes feel the approach to be nice to women but its hard cuz i have this defense mechanism that juss shits on them lol when im nice tho im pretty nice i would like to say.. last girl i was nice to ruined me and the ones after that usually weren't to interested in me i guess they saw that i was all borken inside haha i feel like i can handle a relationship now i picked my life up after that horrible stage of my life i got fat, did drugs, juss all together worthless lol but now im doing great i made the deans list in my school i fell in love with my activity ( do not want to say just in case she finds this lol) and i got in great shape but i still feel like somethings missing.... i dun wanna be a punk n juss try to go find something to have sex with lol (note i attempted that and i have horrible game ahah) but idk if one of you people out there in the world really ****ing care about someone whos miserable (miserable in that part of life (love)) and confused on what they should do please leave your comments there so i can glance at it probably laff about some of your corny suggestions and hopefully one day tell u that this story ended with a good ending