how do i protect myself from drowning in this ?
hi, all - i'll try to keep this post as short and bundled as possible.
after some months of being single and lots of advice from different people (stop looking and it will happen) i was really happy with my life and the fact of being single: the weather was great, i have a great job, many friends to take up lots of things, the world cup was on every night ... no one to take into credit, always able to find someone to do something.
some months ago i received an email from a former holiday love who asked me to come along to a concert - meeting me again after all this time would be nice and her husband didn't wanna come along to that particular concert. was fine by me, so i agreed.
after asking about my lovelife (to which i replied what's in the first paragraph above) and some social talk, things got out of hand. when moving through the crowd she grabbed my hand and held me back - i turned around to see what was wrong and received the most passionate kiss i ever experienced in my life. she asked me to meet again one day on an afternoon after lunch - i replied: ok, we'll see - she replied: no, this week, afterwards i'm on holiday for 5 weeks.
on the way home i received a message "LY" which later was cleared as "like you" and messages with "your little girl" at the end. the day after that a mail at work "note to myself: get back to earth" and so fourth. we stayed on the phone for almost three hours one evening and met again after four days.
there she told me things that really shook my world: she'd gotten scared of the age difference at the time (14 years ago, i was 24, she was 17) and the impact i had on her. she therefore broke up during that holiday and got into a thing with another guy. when we regularly met the following year, i thought it was because she just liked me as a friend although i wanted more. she now tells me that she's extremely sorry about it, would never had let me go if i'd insisted then, was knocking herself in the head every time she got home after her visits with the feeling "why didn't you tell him ?". she apparently had long talks about it with her twin brother who told her to go with her feelings, but still was too scared ... at the end of that year she broke off contact since i met my girlfriend.
after a nine years silence, some months after i broke up with my girlfriend, we met by accident at a festival four years ago. we spend the rest of that evening together and we had the time of our lives. she'd gotten married 2 years before and i really went home with the same feeling: still just a friend to her and she seems happy - damn, why is she married ? she now tells me that if i hadn't restrained myself at that time, she'd have left her husband right away.
by this time she has 3 year old twins ... she spent some time complaining about a life with a husband she still likes but whose job she hates - and he's entwined (don't know if this is the right word in english) with it. to put it short: he's never home and she doesn't want to wait untill 15 years from now to start living her life - when he can slow down since they'll have enough money by then to stop working (the envelopes with black money she gets from time to time are "keep quiet"-money according to her brother).
we feel great when we're together and talking on the phone - which is quite strange for someone you met just 3 times the last four years - but have some kind of history with. i have a huge feeling of miss right, but this also gives me a big fright. anyone familiar with this ?
she also told me not to wait and continue my life since she wouldn't be making any decisions lightly, to which i firmly agreed. i told her that she certainly shouldn't make any decisions over me - but i do understand that she might feel the problem more evidently after meeting me again ... she literally told me at a point: if i think about how much we like/love each other and what kind of life/job you have, i insist that i deserve better in my life.
and she'd gotten quite far in her thinking: she asked me about kids and i told her that at my age (almost 39) i was quite acceptant of the fact that if i'd meet someone now there'd be kids involved. i could feel the relief coming through the earpiece of my phone ... her husband wouldn't want anything but splitting the time with the kids in 50%, we wouldn't have to wait too long for me to meet the kids, if we'd be able to meet more easily it could help her to start making her decisions (she lives an hour drive distance), ... etc.
before there were any kids she already cheated once on holiday - she said she felt so free then ... and did feel that there was already something wrong at the time, but was too busy herself at the time to see the problem in the right perspective, not fully aware.
personally i'm not good at the game of attraction/repulsion (or whatever the english term is), but at this point i'm the one who has to wait for a message or a phone call. i cannot start a conversation or give her a call whenever i want, since it might be a bad time. which is - i'm quite the sensitive guy, too much in fact - not my idea of a great time together. i told myself that if i hadn't gotten at least the impression that by the end of this year she'd taken any serious decisions, i'd had to cut it off ... or i'd drown myself in an emotional mudpool. i've already told her not wanting a second hand part and that if she'd wanted it, i'd always be there ... which is just the guy i am.
the biggest question here is: how to protect myself (not expecting, not leading my life with her in the background, shielding myself, ...) without becoming too distant and still enjoying, taking positive energy from the time we have together ?
p.s. we scheduled another meeting in 4 weeks ... before that it's too difficult. this might also be a bad idea, but my vision is too clouded.
