How serious of an issue is this and how do I handle it?
Hello all,
Well to get right to it, I am 23 years old, and met my current boyfriend who is also 23 a year ago, he had just moved here from a small town in another state, and I had just gotten out of a 4 year relationship which was really the only long term relationship I have had until this guy. We hit it off great, and started soon dating, and right away I knew that I had never felt feelings so strong for someone as I did *John*, not even with my ex. There was something just different about him, I feel like I never want to lose him. Well we've been dating for almost a year now, and he really is a wonderful boyfriend. He cooks, cleans, has a car and a job, pays half of the bills, is always complimenting me, and stands up for me. I really couldn't ask for better, exceot for one thing that has come up recently.
Before we started dating, I asked if he had any kids. He told me that he had one boy that he had when he was only 16. He only sees him on holidays and birthdays because his mom doesn't like letting him visit, and that he sends child support every month. Honestly I was a bit disappointed, because I have no children and always wanted my first to be the dad's first too, and now I had to face that he had already had that experience with another. But, I also realized that this showed much maturity to have a kid at that age, and still pay to support it and try to be in his life.
Then as our relationship progressed, I noticed that I never saw him pay any child support out of his tips (he's a bartender) and he never talked to anyone on the phone about visiting his son. I didn't want to get into his past business too much, but tried asking him about it one night, and it led into a big fight where he said that his son's mother had changed her number and he had no way to get ahold of her, but didn't act bothered at all really. I thought that sounded a little funny, and told him that there were plenty of ways that he legally had a right to get contact info. He told me he would find a way to get ahold of her.
Fast forward a few weeks, and he tells me he got ahold of her, and that he might get to see his son in a few weeks. He told me all along that the mom's name was Lauren, and I saw a new number listed in our phone (we share a cell phone) as Lauren, and naturally assumed it was her. Then one day after work I saw she had called and left a voicemail. I was a bit nosey I admit, and called to listen to the voicemail. The girl that left the message was in fact not named Lauren, but Julie, and all the message said was, "Hey John, this is Julie just calling to talk about this weekend, call me back." I came to the crappy realization that my boyfriend had put some girl named Julie's number in our phone and labeled it as his baby's mom Lauren. I instantly thought the worst, which was, "oh god he's cheating on me" and felt devastated. So devastated I couldn't even wait for him to come home to question him, for fear that he wouldn't tell me the truth. So I called the number.
The same girl on the voicemail answered, and I asked "Who is this?" and she replied, "Julie who is this?" and I explained the situation to her, and wanted to know what was going on. That is when she told me that SHE was John's baby's mom, but that he also had another son with another girl named Lauren. I am extremely confused at this point. She told me that they all went to high school together, and John got Lauren pregnant when she was only 15, and after she had the baby her and John couldn't make it work, and Lauren and her family moved to another state, cutting off contact with John completely, for reasons she didn't know, and to her knowledge John hadn't had any contact with Lauren or their son, since right after he was born. Then a year later they (julie and john) started dating, and they were mainly a party couple that liked to do drugs together, and after a few brief months they broke up, and John moved to another city. After he moved, Julie found out she was pregnant, called John to tell him and he didn't believe it was his, and basically ignored her, changed his number, and bailed.
Julie said that she hadn't had any contact with John since he cut her off (her son is now 4) until about a week ago when out of the blue John called her to apologize for disappearing on her, and that although he had a girlfriend now (me) he wanted to see the kid and help with support. She thought that was great and was going to arrange to come to town next weekend for a visit.
I really had NO idea how to process all of this. Turns out my boyfriend has had TWO kids, all before graduating high school, and basically bailed out on both of the girl, leaving them to take care of the babies on their own. When John got home I FREAKED OUT. I was infuriated for many reasons. How could he do that to those girls? How could he not tell me? Why would he tell me about one, and not the other, and lie about being involved in the child's life? John broke down, and started crying. He said that he used to have a drug problem (I already knew this) and he was incredibly stupid and high and had unprotected sex with those girls when he barely even knew them, and when the first one got pregnant he didn't believe it was his and she got a paternity test that showed him to be the father, and he tried to be in the kid's life but the parent of the girl hated him and that's why they moved away, and when Julie told him she was pregnant he really didn't believe her and she refused to get a paternity test which mad him more angry, and felt like she was trying to trap him into staying with her, so he ran away.
He admitted that he had been a horrible person, and was extremely ashamed of his past and that is why he never told me the truth about it, and he would give anything if he could change it. He said that when I told him to get in contact with his baby's mom, he tried like hell to find Lauren's number but couldn't, but was able to find Julie's and just told me she was Lauren so that I wouldn't find out everything.
I still was utterly confused and angry at everything, and not sure how to react. He swore up and down that he was young and stupid, and now he is an adult and completely and totally in love and infatuated with me, and he'd do whatever it takes to make me feel better about it, even if it meant marrying me right now, or leaving right now. He even offered to leave and pay my rent for the next two months so that I could stay and figure out what I wanted. I know him pretty well by now, and I could tell he was really torn up about it, he cried and begged for over a week for me to believe that I was different from anyone else and was his first real relationship. Eventually I agreed to stay with him, but still wasn't decided on how to feel about everything or what to do, but for now, we'd stay together. He stopped contact with Julie because he was convinced that she was manipulative and would try to just ruin our relationship, when her son "probably" wasn't even his because she wouldn't take a paternity test.
Then a few weeks later, we received a letter in the mail, it was from the courts saying that John owed over $3,000 in back child support that he owed Julie for her son. I confronted him about it and asked how could he owe that to someone that isn't sure if their kid is theirs? Then he broke down AGAIN and told me he lied before and she did get a paternity test that said it was an 88% chance that it was his, but he still didn't think it was. I don't know anything about paternity tests, I just thought that it gave you a yes or no answer, not a percentage, so I don't know if he's lying or not. Either way, I'm getting sick of him only admitting this stuff to me when I catch him in the lie.
So this is the place I am at now. On the one hand the only lies he has told me are about his past, which shows me how much he regrets and is ashamed of his past, and I do truly believe from talking to Julie that he treats me differently than his exes, and that I am his first REAL, sober, living together relationship, and he hasn't cheated on me and told Julie that I was his girlfriend. BUT on the otherhand I am so so so scared now that if I stay with him and marry him someday, if I get pregnant, will he just leave me? I don't want to be one of those exes of his in the future that he lies to a new girlfriend about, but history does repeat itself. I just don't want to be made the fool here, and if I should get out now someone please tell me, or if there's a chance I should put this all behind and move forward with him, and want to know that to.
This is just eating me alive everyday I can't stop thinking about it, sorry this is so long but it feels good to get it all out there. Thanks.
-T
