Fights always turn around on me-is this on purpose?

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31-07-10, 04:12 PM
Nea

Fights always turn around on me-is this on purpose?

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost four years and are both in our early 20s. It seems like lately we have been fighting more and it seems that these fights are always being turned around on me. Last week, I overheard him talking to his friends about looking at porn and having sex with his ex. I got upset because he knew I was listening and I felt that he was trying to offend me. We got in a huge argument over it and ended up breaking up for the night. Since we had both been drinking I figured it had blown over by the next day. I asked him the next day to talk again and he refused and said that we were still broken up. I began to pack my stuff to go home and he finally agreed to talk at that point. During our talk he briefly mentioned that he felt I did not want the relationship to last because instead of insisting we talk (even though he bluntly said no to talking) I just packed my stuff.

Then just this week he were all hanging out with a few of his friends and one of his friends slipped and mentioned that they had gone to the strip club the night before. I was clearly upset after that and everyone in the room knew it. I did not make a scene and instead just kept quiet and after awhile left. Once I left he asked why and I told him that he should know why and that I was upset not because he went to the stripclub, but because he was trying to hide it. He instantly FREAKED out and broke up with me and said that I was being irrational because he had a reason to be there and I didnt ask for his reason.

So at this point I'm the bad guy because he went to the strip club and I didnt assume he had a reason to be there. So once this gets straightened out (it always does) it is going to end up me apologizing to him and the fact that he went to the stripclub behind my back is no longer going to be the issue, its going to be that I assume the worst.

Is he doing this on purpose? And why, is he really upset with me? Is he wanting to hide being to blame?

Also second question following this:
After a huge fight and him telling me that it was no longer my business to know the reason he went to the strip club he finally said that he went to give his friend a ride home.
This sounds like a lie to me personally. First off, his friend who spilled said "After we went to the strip club and they were closed.." Who cares if its closed if youre just giving a ride home. Second, why hide this from me. Third, once I found out he went and was sitting there clearly upset why wouldnt he just say "I didnt go to the strip club, I went to give someone a ride".

Is that me being paranoid or does it sound like a lie
02-08-10, 05:02 PM
nerdy_guy

Quote:

During our talk he briefly mentioned that he felt I did not want the relationship to last because instead of insisting we talk (even though he bluntly said no to talking) I just packed my stuff.

This one here? He is being manipulative.

As for your strip club problem:
Let me ask you this. If you were going to a strip club to fetch/drop off a friend, would your initial reaction be to freak out. OR Would you only freak out if you really did go to a strip club, not expecting your girlfriend to find out, therefore not being able to make an excuse on time, then blame her, buy enough time for a lame excuse (since he doesn't think fast enough and can only thing of something stupid)? Which one would it be.

Personally, I would be upset about going to a strip club. Why the need to go to a strip club anyway? He himself actually got upset because you found out. that means he expects that it is not acceptable to you. you know why? because it never is acceptable. Then you actually went ahead to tell him IT IS OK? that you're just upset because you were not informed. Don't be surprised the next time if you get a call saying "Hey babe, I'm just calling to tell you that I'm canceling our date tonight because me and the guys are going to a titty bar" You're actually giving him a go signal to disrespect your relationship.
05-08-10, 04:25 AM
girl68

You should have allowed him to give the reason instead you ASSUMED. I know from experience that assuming is practically the wrost thing you can do. He was asking for the benefit of the doubt and YOU freaked. So in this instance, you are wrong.
05-08-10, 11:30 AM
gigigi4

i agree that he is being really manipulative. i also don't necessarily have a problem w/ my bf going to strip clubs- it's not that big of a deal to me personally- the bigger issue is that he knows he messed up and instead of apologizing, he twists things around, manipulating your feelings for him so that you feel guilty when HE is obviously the one who screwed up by lying to you. this has happened to me too with my bf...i don't think he always does it intentionally with the goal of being manipulative, but it's so frustrating b/c you feel like you never are validated or get to express yourself in the situation and made to feel like your normal responses are somehow irrational or wrong. i'm not sure how to fix it, just wanted to commisserate....:/
06-08-10, 02:19 AM
NBT

Quote:

Originally Posted by girl68 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You should have allowed him to give the reason instead you ASSUMED. I know from experience that assuming is practically the wrost thing you can do. He was asking for the benefit of the doubt and YOU freaked. So in this instance, you are wrong.

Nah, I disagree.

According to her, she was upset about the fact that he HID it from her, more than the fact that he went.

Also, you're ignoring the other issues that she mentioned, where he is CLEARLY manipulating her.

"When in the wrong, turn it around and make the other person feel guilty, to take the focus off of ME."

It's a game that a lot of people play. And in THIS case, it's WORKING.

If she was smart, she would STOP kissing his ass, leave, and just wait it out.

If she stops feeding into his manipulation game, it would no longer be EFFECTIVE.

And once that happens, he will either think of a new one, or start calling her to come back.

She just has to learn how to avoid letting him reverse the roles, and she'll be fine.

The next time he's in the hot seat, and he tries to flip it, she should call him out on it.

"Don't try & flip it...Answer the question." He'll likely get frustrated, but that's only because his bullshit is no longer working.
06-08-10, 02:30 AM
Sonrisa

what was it in talking about porn that upset you?
06-08-10, 08:55 AM
nerdy_guy

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sonrisa [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

what was it in talking about porn that upset you?

She wasn't invited to join in :P
06-08-10, 10:47 AM
Mish

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nea [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost four years and are both in our early 20s. It seems like lately we have been fighting more and it seems that these fights are always being turned around on me. Last week, I overheard him talking to his friends about looking at porn and having sex with his ex.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nea [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I asked him the next day to talk again and he refused and said that we were still broken up. I began to pack my stuff to go home and he finally agreed to talk at that point. During our talk he briefly mentioned that he felt I did not want the relationship to last because instead of insisting we talk (even though he bluntly said no to talking) I just packed my stuff.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nea [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Then just this week he were all hanging out with a few of his friends and one of his friends slipped and mentioned that they had gone to the strip club the night before.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nea [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

He instantly FREAKED out and broke up with me and said that I was being irrational because he had a reason to be there and I didnt ask for his reason.

Why are you with this clown again? Are you some kind of a masochist?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nea [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Is he doing this on purpose?

Ah DUH!! He's manipulating you like you are a sub prime mortgage and he's a banker.
08-08-10, 09:58 PM
Regnent

Doesn't matter if it's a lie.
You had a problem, he attacked you over it.

Don't break down and apologize.

He's some combination of insecure, controlling, manipulative, abusive, or cheater.
Any one of those are bad news.

I was going to berate you for making a fuss about his strip club excursion, untill you said he tried to hide it, and how hostile he became when you wanted to talk about it.

I think it's time for you to seriously consider staying with him.