I am in Love with my best friend.
My name is Lewis, and I am the youngest of 6 brothers and sisters. My best friend of nearly 10 years lives 3 hours away, her name is Dezirae. She has always lived that far away, and the only time I would be able to see her was on the weekends when my parents would go stay at their house. I would always look forward to spending time with them, especially her, every weekend.
Naturally this, at least for me, formed a bong stronger than any I have ever felt. Her father and my father go way back, so they seemed to be like family to us. I soon adopted feelings for her protection, like an older brother.
About five and a half years ago, her family moved out to be closer to us after the death of my older brother. They lived 10 minutes away, but I was too heartbroken to visit them as often as I wanted. After a year, they got home sick, and moved back to their house 3 hours away. After my brother's death, my family stopped making trips down to go see them, and the only time I get to see her is at the annual Church camp in July.
For the past several years, I have looked forward on going to camp, just so I could spend time with her. To be completely honest, I started having very strong feelings fer her when I was 14, when they lived near us.
I am now 18, and in December she will be 18, but for the past 4 years I have left camp heartbroken. I remember spending all my time with her, and the other guys at camp start to notice that I am paying more and more attention towards Dezirae. The next year at camp, I spend all my time with her and reminisced about when we were kids.
The next year I adopted a kitten that year at camp and Dezirae wouldn't even let me hold him. After I got home from camp that year, I start to get some e-mails on my computer.
The first e-mail is from Dezirae, and she tells me that she just got a boyfriend. Naturally, I get jealous and start asking questions like 'What's his name?' and 'You really like him?'. In the next e-mail, she tells me that he has met her family.
The next year, I can't help but to think about her. This is the year where I really start to feel something. I could feel that something had changed when we reconnected that year. I would become very angry and protective when the other guys from camp would approach her, and at night I would cry because this feeling I was having was a feeling that I had never felt before.
When I got home that year, which was last year, I quickly found out that I loved her. I had dreams about her, and us, before but now these dreams made sense. I decided I was going to tell her how I felt about her, so I sent her an e-mail telling her that the next time she comes out to visit her sister, I wanted to talk with her. But I never got a response. A couple of weeks later I sent another e-mail requesting that we talk, and that I valued our friendship. But still, no response.
Being a person with Bi-Polar disorder, this quickly threw me into a spiral of emotions. And I became depressed, depressed enough to kill myself. But I cared for her too much, and even if she never talked to me again, I know how I feel about her and I could never have someone that close to me feel the pain of losing a close person in their life.
I gave up on trying to talk to her because she was not returning any of my e-mails. My family was worried for me because of my depression, and they got me a therapist. He told me that this year in school I should try to move on and forget about her. During the school year, I hung out with some old friends and started to talk. By the end of the school year, one of the girls in my class told me that she had strong feelings for me. When we went to some movies together and she tried to hold my hand, I freaked out and pulled away quickly. I got up and left the theater, then went home. When she got home, I got some nasty messages from her on facebook, and I told her that I had these really strong feelings for Dezirae.
She said she understood, and moved on. Then I realize that most of the girls that are close friends are having these same feelings. One told me that at first glance, a 6'6" 275 lbs guy with glasses was not the type of person they saw themselves with, but after many years of friendship; my personality, loyalty, friendship, honesty, humor, knowledge, and kindness changed her mind.
This last July at camp, I was going to walk up to her and tell her how I felt, but she was vacationing in Florida.
Ever since then, I have been hopeless, wandering without a path, without a guide. I so badly would like to go see her and tell her how I felt, but I don't have the time. E-mails, phone calls, messages and letters are out of the question. I want to be face to face with her when I tell her how I feel.
I come to this forum seeking guidance. I am young, and I have been through a lot. I may not know what I want in life, but I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with Dezirae.
