Considering breaking up with my boyfriend.

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31-08-10, 08:43 PM
pandapandaas

Considering breaking up with my boyfriend.

I'm 20 and he's 21. We've been together almost 2 years. There have been some rough patches and we've broken up twice before.

We don't live together but we have seen each other every single day for the past year or so. Lately I'm starting to think that I never really had a chance to become my own person because my identity is so intertwined with his. I never think about myself, just 'us' and that's starting to bother me. I'm also getting irritated with his obsession with math and philosophy. He spends most of his time writing out math equations or talking about his beliefs on conciousness which tend to turn into lectures. It annoys me because I can't get a word in edgewise and I feel like his pupil more than his girlfriend. We never go out anymore, unless it's to catch a bite to eat or maybe a movie once a month, which I suppose isn't too bad. We don't hang out with friends - I can't remember the last time that I did anything with friends, in fact most of them have stopped calling me altogether because I never have time to hang out. I feel awful about that.

What really bothers me is that the reason that I started having these thoughts are because I met a really nice guy at work who honestly treats me better than my boyfriend, in a completely platonic way. He listens when I talk, gives great advice, brings in treats for everyone quite often, etc. I started having doubts and went to my mom who said that I should ditch my boyfriend because he's bringing me down and has been for the past couple of years. I'm just worried that I'll do it for the wrong reason, like thinking that this guy at work likes me, which he might not at all.

My boyfriend does have some good qualities; he's sweet, funny and adventurous. He's great at making me feel loved with his words but not so much with his actions. We used to go out all the time and now we haven't done anything in months. I've tried bringing it up with him and he says that he's tired of the fetishism of material things, etc. I know that he's an intellectual but I just can't see giving up everything in my life like he has. I'm starting to feel so neglected because he just doesn't take me seriously when I go to him with problems. He just goes on long rambling speeches when I try to talk to him about serious things in our relationship. I've told him that it seems like he's all talk, but I need actions to really feel like he cares about me. He responds that things will get better, but they never do. There are also some aspects of his personality that almost frighten me. He enjoys sitting in the dark listening to music, is quite pessimistic and just doesn't seem to enjoy life. Sometimes I wonder if he wants me to break up with him because of the way he acts. When I try talking to him about our problems he just says "If you don't like it, then leave."

So on one hand I want to break up with him and find out who I am as a person, live a more social life, etc. But on the other hand the thought of being without him terrifies me. I honestly don't know what I would do with my time if I was alone. On the other hand, I could just be exaggerating because this guy at work has given me a new perspective on what a relationship COULD be like. I don't want to break up with my boyfriend just to be lonely and miserable the rest of my life, but I also don't want to live my life as a shell of a person, doing whatever he wants and never what I want. I'm so conflicted, I feel like either way I'll be making a terrible mistake and hurting someone, I just don't know if I should hurt him or myself.

What would you do?
31-08-10, 09:43 PM
WICKED THOUGHTS

No, matter what someones gnna get hurt. Imo Id rather you be happy and not miserable. Ya, take time off or split and just be happy with ur life. good luck
31-08-10, 09:46 PM
EndlessRomantic

I doubt you'll end up lonely and miserable. Like you said you used to have alot of friends but they just stopped calling because you didn't have time for them. You'll have plenty of time for them if you go on your own. Plus your 20years old. You are only starting life. Plenty of time to meet that special someone. If you aren't happy, which is what I'm getting from your post, you owe it to yourself to get out of your funk and find this happiness.
31-08-10, 09:52 PM
BusyBee

Hello Pandpandaas!

It's a difficult situation you're in but I think you should follow your thought and leave him.
If you're already feeling that way now, just think about what it could be like in a few years' time. I mean, if you decide to stick to it, move in together, even maybe live together and have kids and you feel the same in 5 or 10 years' time.
You are young and you need to first find yourself before you can enter a relationship, your boyfriend seems to know what he wants, but he should, if he really cares for you, be able to compromise and give you a chance to firgure out what you want of live. At the moment, it just sounds like he wants to force you into accepting his way of seeing things, hence the speeches. He doesn't want to see your point of you and the fact that he tells you if you don't like it, leave means he is not willing to make any effort towards you.

As for beeing lonely, what is the point of a relationship if you already feel lonely in it, that is the worst part. You're better off being lonely on your own than lonely in a couple.
Your are 21, you only have abou a 5th of your live behind you, don't speak like you're 70. You have loads to see and live in life, don't burden yourself at your age.
I got into a relationship at the age of 26. I had already travelled the world and it seemed a good idea at the time. My boyfriend was a decent lad, intelligent, sensitive, a bit stubborn and a bit useless when it came to manual work or housework and i thought oh well, he'll probably be willing to make some compromises and I could make some. First year was fine, second year not too bad, then we bought a house and everything started going downhill, we comprmised that he would do the housework and I would do the necessary DIY in the house. He started saying that I was overactive always wanting to do things. I started realising that he had no intention in compromising about how he saw his life, he didn't feel like doing anything, he just didn't do it allthough it was necessary, if I asked him to he just went off biking leaving me with everything, it went on for a while and I turned 30. That's when I relaised I'd just wasted years on somebody who wasn't for me. I thought about the future and imagined myself 10 years later with him and i thought oh no. So, I went and told him what I thought and he told me he did't think there was a problem. He just said, if you don't like it, dump me and I did. The first months were strange, I admit to that. You do feel lonely, but then you also notice all the things you are able to do which you weren't able to before. And you're not that lonely, you have friends, family.
Think about it seriously.

I hope that helped.
31-08-10, 10:38 PM
nightmarexxx

In these things first try to learn if you are not jealous that f you dont really think about him anymore?After realizing there is nothing left.Go) life is yours.He will understand you
31-08-10, 11:17 PM
pandapandaas

Quote:

Originally Posted by WICKED THOUGHTS [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

No, matter what someones gnna get hurt. Imo Id rather you be happy and not miserable. Ya, take time off or split and just be happy with ur life. good luck

I've thought about just 'taking a break' but if I break up with him again that would be it, there's no way we would get together later. It would be the third time that we've broken up and at that point I think all bets would be off. It just hurts to think about leaving him...I feel like I'll be miserable either way x_x Thanks for your advice.

Quote:

Originally Posted by EndlessRomantic [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I doubt you'll end up lonely and miserable. Like you said you used to have alot of friends but they just stopped calling because you didn't have time for them. You'll have plenty of time for them if you go on your own. Plus your 20years old. You are only starting life. Plenty of time to meet that special someone. If you aren't happy, which is what I'm getting from your post, you owe it to yourself to get out of your funk and find this happiness.

True...thank you for the advice. I'm just afraid of hurting him or making the wrong decision.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BusyBee [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Hello Pandpandaas!

It's a difficult situation you're in but I think you should follow your thought and leave him.
If you're already feeling that way now, just think about what it could be like in a few years' time. I mean, if you decide to stick to it, move in together, even maybe live together and have kids and you feel the same in 5 or 10 years' time.
You are young and you need to first find yourself before you can enter a relationship, your boyfriend seems to know what he wants, but he should, if he really cares for you, be able to compromise and give you a chance to firgure out what you want of live. At the moment, it just sounds like he wants to force you into accepting his way of seeing things, hence the speeches. He doesn't want to see your point of you and the fact that he tells you if you don't like it, leave means he is not willing to make any effort towards you.

As for beeing lonely, what is the point of a relationship if you already feel lonely in it, that is the worst part. You're better off being lonely on your own than lonely in a couple.
Your are 21, you only have abou a 5th of your live behind you, don't speak like you're 70. You have loads to see and live in life, don't burden yourself at your age.
I got into a relationship at the age of 26. I had already travelled the world and it seemed a good idea at the time. My boyfriend was a decent lad, intelligent, sensitive, a bit stubborn and a bit useless when it came to manual work or housework and i thought oh well, he'll probably be willing to make some compromises and I could make some. First year was fine, second year not too bad, then we bought a house and everything started going downhill, we comprmised that he would do the housework and I would do the necessary DIY in the house. He started saying that I was overactive always wanting to do things. I started realising that he had no intention in compromising about how he saw his life, he didn't feel like doing anything, he just didn't do it allthough it was necessary, if I asked him to he just went off biking leaving me with everything, it went on for a while and I turned 30. That's when I relaised I'd just wasted years on somebody who wasn't for me. I thought about the future and imagined myself 10 years later with him and i thought oh no. So, I went and told him what I thought and he told me he did't think there was a problem. He just said, if you don't like it, dump me and I did. The first months were strange, I admit to that. You do feel lonely, but then you also notice all the things you are able to do which you weren't able to before. And you're not that lonely, you have friends, family.
Think about it seriously.

I hope that helped.

Thank you so much for the great advice :) We have been discussing moving in together and I can't tell if that would make things better between us or worse. But if I'm having doubts now I guess it would be better to just call it off sooner rather than later.
01-09-10, 01:51 AM
WaiKru

Quote:

Originally Posted by pandapandaas [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

"If you don't like it, then leave."

There you go, he told you himself what to do. He sounds like he's just weighing heavily on your life in a negative way, and even if you care about him, I don't think it would take long to realize that there is someone else out there willing to treat you better.
01-09-10, 02:26 AM
girl68

I think he wants you to leave.
01-09-10, 02:55 AM
lahnnabell

I agree with girl. Sounds like he's doing the bare minimum in your relationship in the hopes that you'll do the dirty work and break up with him. This is a common tactic I've seen young assholes do.

I think you should leave.
01-09-10, 04:58 AM
pandapandaas

Quote:

Originally Posted by girl68 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think he wants you to leave.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lahnnabell [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I agree with girl. Sounds like he's doing the bare minimum in your relationship in the hopes that you'll do the dirty work and break up with him. This is a common tactic I've seen young assholes do.

I think you should leave.

:( Thanks. That's kind of what I was thinking. I don't know why else he would say he loves me so much but then not care about hurting my feelings so often.

I'm sorry, I just realized there's a forum dedicated to breaking up and broken hearts..lol this probably should have gone there. Oops!

So now that I'm thinking more about it, I wonder if he might be cheating. I was reading about common cheating behaviors and he does a lot of them. Things like clear his cell phone history and text messages all the time, frequently receives phone calls that he doesn't answer when I'm there and says they're for his friend, doesn't go anywhere with me, acts really distant, freaks out when I talk with (guy) friends, etc, and this all started a couple of months ago. I guess it doesn't really matter anymore, I'm probably going to end things tomorrow.

Thanks for all of your helpful advice. My heart is heavy but I know this is for the best. He just doesn't care anymore.
01-09-10, 05:28 AM
lahnnabell

Quote:

Originally Posted by pandapandaas [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

:( Thanks. That's kind of what I was thinking. I don't know why else he would say he loves me so much but then not care about hurting my feelings so often.

He's all talk. Actions speak louder than words every time. He can say whatever the hell he likes, but it doesn't make it true.

Quote:

So now that I'm thinking more about it, I wonder if he might be cheating. I was reading about common cheating behaviors and he does a lot of them. Things like clear his cell phone history and text messages all the time, frequently receives phone calls that he doesn't answer when I'm there and says they're for his friend, doesn't go anywhere with me, acts really distant, freaks out when I talk with (guy) friends, etc, and this all started a couple of months ago. I guess it doesn't really matter anymore, I'm probably going to end things tomorrow.

Thanks for all of your helpful advice. My heart is heavy but I know this is for the best. He just doesn't care anymore.

Either way, he's not invested in your relationship and seems content to just go through the motions. I'll be you'll surprise the hell out of him by breaking it off. Keep it short and simple. Don't leave him time to beg you to stay.
01-09-10, 03:07 PM
BusyBee

Hey, if you feel that way, do it. I'm sure you'll find somebody who'll care for your feeling. Just the fact that your weighed the decision so carefully, makes me think you're a really caring person and that there is somebody out there for you.
Keep us informed.
I do tink you're taking the right decision.

Quote:

Originally Posted by pandapandaas [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

:( Thanks. That's kind of what I was thinking. I don't know why else he would say he loves me so much but then not care about hurting my feelings so often.

I'm sorry, I just realized there's a forum dedicated to breaking up and broken hearts..lol this probably should have gone there. Oops!

So now that I'm thinking more about it, I wonder if he might be cheating. I was reading about common cheating behaviors and he does a lot of them. Things like clear his cell phone history and text messages all the time, frequently receives phone calls that he doesn't answer when I'm there and says they're for his friend, doesn't go anywhere with me, acts really distant, freaks out when I talk with (guy) friends, etc, and this all started a couple of months ago. I guess it doesn't really matter anymore, I'm probably going to end things tomorrow.

Hey, if you feel that way, do it. I'm sure you'll find somebody who'll care for your feeling. Just the fact that your weighed the decision so carefully, makes me think you're a really caring person and that there is somebody out there for you.
Keep us informed.
I do tink you're taking the right decision.

Thanks for all of your helpful advice. My heart is heavy but I know this is for the best. He just doesn't care anymore.