Hello-My name is Tom and I'm Searching for Advice
Help. I am 47, married for 20 years and have been seeing a former co-work (Kate, 16 years younger) for 5 years steady. My wife and I have been in a loveless marriage for many years while Kate has been divorced for more than 4 yeasr. Kate has been more than understanding and supportive of my situation than most would ever be and certainly has waited for me to leave my wife for a long time.
I separated from my wife and moved into an apartment four months ago and everything seemed fine with Kate and our relationship. Then last weekend after we came back from a night out I went to shower and when I came out she had left. I was upset and tried calling but she wouldn’t accept my call.
The next day, I received a voice message, a message that didn’t hint of any problem and no mention of why she left the night before. I was still upset about that and I sent her a text saying we should maybe take a brake from each other for a while. It was never really meant but I was mad.
That set off a series of e-mail blasts from Kate. Basically saying that if I didn’t call her, it was over and that she had had enough and of course bringing up the waiting for long for me and hanging in there waiting for me to make a complete break to be with her.
I was stubborn and didn’t call her back. That’s when she stopped answering my calls and text messages for the next two days. I had to go to where she has breakfast every morning before work on a Tuesday morning. She was surprised to see me but said we were done, although she loved me she wasn’t in love with me and that I should just let her go. She mentioned that since I split with my wife and moved into my apartment I have been distant, inattentive and not intimate.
She is right about the last part, I guess I hadn’t been attentive or affectionate as I usually am. It was a big move for me to separate from my wife, get an apartment and try to adjust, those are the only reasons I may have fallen short in those areas.
Kate and I have gone out several times, and talked on the phone in the last 4 days but she seems distant most of the time. We went out Saturday night and had a good time and because she was so tired stayed that night in my apartment. No, no imtimacy.
She still isn’t the same person she was before like she was up until a week ago. No question Kate has a lot going on right now including just selling a home and will be moving into an apartment, she has been upset about not getting her IRS refund check that was months late just showed up and she has a medical issue to address next week. And there are a few other things going on too.
A carbon copy of this situation happened exactly a year ago. She was going through another difficult time, unmarried daughter with a one year living with her, car problems and just started taking some challenging college courses at night. Next thing I know she falls in the same depress-type state and says she wasn’t in love with me anymore. The same pattern – wouldn’t take my calls or text messages. She even went out and got a new cell phone, while keeping the one I gave her 4 years ago.
I didn’t give up though. During those two or three weeks I didn’t see or talk to her like we did prior to. I did go with her to look for and buy a car a week or two later and even gave her some money to put down, but she still seemed distant. The next weekend I talked her into spending a long weekend in a very nice downtown hotel with water views. There wasn’t any intimacy that weekend but I was just happy to get her away from all the distracting issues she had been dealing with and to just be with her and pamper her to death.
Within a week or so afterwards things started to return to normal with the tell tall signs of her holding my hand and calling me after she left work everyday just like she always had done. Those were the first sign. Then we started carrying on like nothing happened. Then last weekend it started all over again.
I’ve written Kate two lengthy letters, sent her two cards and flowers to her at work all in the last week. We have gone out a few times, she started accepting most of my calls and occasionally responsed to my text messages but only with one or two word responses.
BUT, she still seems to have lost the feeling of being in love with me. I asked her last night after a movie and dinner if there was a chance things could turn around and change. She said rather quietly, “there’s always a chance but I don’t know, I have to clear my mind and think”.
So- I don’t know whether to continue to be aggressive and see her as much and as often as I can or back off for a while? Of course I feel if I back off and seem uninterested that could backfire and she may get use to it and we’ll drift further part and that’s something I don’t want to happen.
In my heart of hearts I do want to marry Kate, as she used to always bring up in conversation up until a week ago, and I would do anything to get her back and never let go. What should I do?
By the way, Kate wanted me to select a different apartment then the one I decided on hoping that when she was ready to move into the high rise one that we both liked so we could be closer. So, as it turns out Kate is moving into that high rise apartment, the one we both liked, next weekend. For the last two weeks I have been trying to negotiate to get out of where I am now and move into the same high rise well before this latest “I’m not in love with you” situation arose again.
Any and all advice is appreciated as my stomach continues to turn andhas been in knots for a solid week now.
