I'm not accepting the break up
We were together for a year and a half. Its been a pretty turbulent relationship due mostly to the fact that about 3 months into the realtionship he had sex with his next door neighbor. He ended up admitting it to me about a month after it happened otherwise I would have had no clue, I wasn't even remotely suspicious of anything. He told me one night while we were having a converstation about us and he realized that I was considering us a couple, he said he was sorry for it but he didn't feel like he had cheated on me because we hadn't defined our relatiship status and the last time we discussed it we decided that we were casually dating. I had a very different view on that because it had been 4 months since we had the converstation about us casually dating and since that converstation things had changed dramtically between us, we had told each other that we were in love with each other, said I Love You every day, we had started spending the night at each others places regularly, spending all our free time with each other, talking about our future ect. I felt as though another talk about relationship status shouldn't have been necessary and I felt betrayed and as though he had cheated on me. I was crushed. I "forgave" him though and we continued on with our relationship with a clearly defined status as a couple now. For a month or 2 after that things were ok and I tried to let it go. Then I started becoming resentful and mistrusting. I questioned everything and felt like I didn't get the closure I needed from the situation. There was another incident about a month later that shook my trust in him again and then I really started lashing out. I tried to get over it and couldn't, it just kept consuming my thoughts.
My resentment grew andI kept my anger inside and started bring up the neighbor at random times and starting a fight about it again. I started being extremely critical of EVERYTHING he did, I would put him down all the time, really all the time. I would make horrible comments about how he was putting on weight or that he wasn't parenting his children correctly. From time to time I would just flat out tell him that he was a pig or a piece of shit. He was good to me during all this time, helped me more than anyone every has in my life and I contiued t odo this to him daily, it had gotten even worse for the past few months. We fought big time weekly. He put up with this for a year, he tried to talk to me about how he felt in a round about way about a month ago but I didn't listen to what he was saying.
He finally broke up with me Saturday night saying that he couldn't take being depressed anymore. I make him feel worthless and I'm never happy about anything. I put him down in front of other people and he would rather be alone than be brought down on a daily basis. He said of course he still loves me very much and wants to see only good things happen to me but he just couldn't be with me anymore. He said that he still wants to be good friends and if we could build a strong friendship that could possibly develop into a realtionship again but that we never had a strong foundation when we started and if anything was going to ever be with us we had to have that but no promises we would just have to see how things go as friends. I cried and told him I was sorry and I didn't realize I had gotten that bad and to give me a chance to prove to him that I could treat him differently.He said no that this was the way it had to be and he had been thinking about it for weeks. We went to sleep and the next morning I again asked him if he was sure this is what he wanted he said yes.
I understand that while in theory what he was saying seems logical but to me after you've been in a serious relationship with someone for that long doesn't seem all that do able. Especially with me having the hopes of another relationship coming out of it. I'm very much in love with him and can't sit across from him and act like I'm not.
So now my confusion: He said that he definatly wanted to break up abd that he had been thinking about it for a while and that he wanted to havve a friendship with me. Well the breakup happened Saturday night/ Sunday morning, with me leaving his house to go home Sunday morning. He texted me Monday morning asking if I wanted to come over and hang out since we were both off of work, I went over and we just watched TV and made small talk didn't talk about us or anything, as I was leaving I gave him a very long letter I had written saying I was sorry for everything, explaining why I may have acted the way I did, how I realze now what I was doing, I only want him to be happy and I love him ect. That night we were both scheduled to attened a mutual friends BBQ so I went for a little bit and then left. We didn't really talk there. Then yesterday (Tuesday) he called me from work just to chit chat while he was on his was to another job just like he used to do while we were together.
Is this his way of being friends? I mean we've only been broken up for 3 days and he's already wanted to hang out once and has called just to chit chat like nothing is weird. Is he regretting his decsion? or maybe this is just his way of softening the blow for me? or does he really just think that we're just buddies now after one day and thinks this is normal because he made it clear that he wanted to be friends? I want him back desperatly and would do anything to show him that but I also want to give him what he needs, part of this seems like mixed signals to me but I may be reading to much into it because I want to.
I know some of this may sound childish but we aren't children I'm 26 and he's 29. Please someone help me gain so perspective on where to go from here, I love this man and want to have a life with him but I fear I may have pushed him to far.
