Advice for some issues.

I'll just jump right into my issues.

I'm going to be 21 in a couple of weeks and for as long as I can remember I have been reluctant to share my feelings and seek help for my problems. It started in the 6th grade when I got my first taste of bullying and for some bizarre reason all throughout my school years I was a magnet for bullying by some of the most popular kids. I always thought about talking with my parents about it but all hopes were gone during the beginning of 8th grade. Again I was at odds with the most popular set of kids, the bullying beginning in 7th grade when I went to a new middle school. I told my mom that I was having some problems with someone at school and she just told me to deal with it, that I would have to deal with people I didn't like all throughout life.

That did it for me, what she said told me that she didn't care for the issues I was facing at school and I simply locked down and to this day have never spoken a word about all the bullying I went through with my parents. What worries me is the effect of having all these feelings bottled up inside for nearly ten years. The anger, sadness, despair...pretty much every negative feeling you can have. I've never told them of the suicidal thoughts I occasionally had. I'm nearly 21 and feel that I shouldn't constantly be looking back on all the bullying I went through, it’s something that's held me back in many ways. I haven't come to terms with it all and still have grudges against the people who bullied me.

I also have the agonizing regret of not having stood up for myself but that could have put me in potentially disastrous situations. Many of the people I was at odds early on (7th-10th) with were involved with gangs and we all know how that could have ended up.

Instead I resorted to killing my bullies with kindness and tolerance. Believe me it was a titanic struggle and felt as though many times I would break. Perhaps this stance is something that egged them on but eventually some of them became..."Frienemies" and even friends. The bullying waned during junior year but by no means was it gone. It spiked again as a friend and I became the whipping boys of our group. I have plenty of good friends and in the years since graduation I cleared the friend roster of all the troublesome folk.

The advice I'm looking for is how can I go about settling these long held issues? How can I slowly come out and speak with people about it? I've only ever talked openly with myself; out loud and in my mind and I can honestly say that nearly every time the pain and memories of all those years bring me to tears. This leads to a greater fear of breaking down in front of someone. My brother is the only one in my family who knows that I went through it all and even then I only scratched the surface when I told him. Even though I have good friends I don't feel comfortable speaking about it with any of them. A few of them witnessed it first hand and did nothing, which is painful for sure. But the laws of High School Society are savage at best. I know all these pent up emotions can't be healthy, emotionally and mentally so I turn to you kindly strangers for a push in the right direction.

A couple of things. A lot of people have feelings like this bottled up, without ever expressing them. Don't think the popular kids don't. Bullying often comes from not being at peace with yourself, and even when this isn't an excuse, you should know the biggest bullies are often the ones who like themselves the least. I've got a friend now who was a bully of sorts in highschool, (weird enough I was both friends with her and the ones she teased, and never got to be the one bullied by her. By others, yes.).. and she says now the times she picked on people most were the times she hated herself most. So just know, behind those people are the saddest minds.

About your current issues. One. Try starting a diary of sorts. Buy a notebook or something, and don't think, start writing. Just about your feelings, not about what you do day to day. If you need to, you direct it to one of your bullies, or a friend, or whatever. I often notice it helps me to direct the writing to someone, even if I know they'll never read it. The hardest times in my life (highschool, breakups, death of my dad) I kept a diary/journal. In the last two cases, I directed them to my ex, and my dad. It helps. You might feel silly at first but it helps. Amazingly so.

Second. There's therapy. You're not crazy when you do, I've gone to therapy in the past without being a nutcase, and it's helped. First, contact your house doctor, think you call it your general practicioner? From Holland so the translations can get a little fuzzy. But your GP can listen, and send you to a therapist, here it's so that you get the first 8 talks or so back from your insurance. If you have that.
But you don't have to worry about anyone knowing, these people all have professional ehh.. security? They can't tell anyone unless you authorize it. It might seem a big step but I thoroughly recommend it. If only to get you started with dealing. They can give you the kick-start you need, the rest you'll be able to deal with yourself. It's not a shame to ask for help. You did the right thing posting here, it's one step closer to dealing.

Good luck.

I can def. relate to you on that issue, so I know how you feel, except I never bottled those feelings in. I was teased a lot through out 6th grade until high school, but that was only because I wanted to be popular and was an easy target. I was one of those people that was terrible with "comebacks" if you know what I mean. Once, I got to high school obviously people mature a little bit more, but still there are some that haven't quiet grown up and still like to put people down. I ended up having a group of friends through out high school, but still all those people that I thought hated me I stayed away from. If you think about it, most people who put others down do it because it makes themselves feel better about themselves because they have lower self-esteem then those who don't put people down. Consider yourself one of those people who doesn't have low self-esteem, just someone who is insecure about how people feel about you. The only way to be able to get rid of these bottled up feelings is to talk to someone professional. I know a lot of people can't swallow their pride and go to a therapist, but seriously they help. You will learn coping strategies on how to deal with people like that. You'll come to realize that as people get older through out college a lot of people have matured out of that "bullying personality" The only reason that I know this is because, i've become friends with the people that I thought once hated me or made fun of me. When your in MS or HS everyone is trying to fit in so everyone will do what it takes to fit in whether its making someone feel bad. Once, those people get older they grow out of that and become more of themselves and are actually nice people. If you talk to someone and let it out you will feel so much better and it will be easier to accept what has happened in the past. Also, as you get older you will come to realize the people that you want as friends, who your willing to tolerate, etc and then those people that bullied you or those feelings that you had wont bother you anymore.

Hi Technix, To resolve the past means getting our needs met and expressing our feelings fully (if you have supportive friends they can help a lot. If not you need to find a place that is safe for you). You can do a lot with journalling and physically expressing feeling eg. anger - hitting, chopping wood, walking up hill and so on.

Would it help to talk to some kind of stranger first? There are phone counselling services. If you have the money (or can find a charity run service) it may help to talk to a counsellor face to face. Then it depends where you want to go? Would it be easier to just say hi to strangers or would it be easier to say something small to a good friend?

To discover the needs. Remember the situation you were in and find what you needed. Or, imagine a similar situation and imagine what the person like you in the situation would have needed. Then find a way to get this for you now. It may be protection. It may be permission to run away. It may be a friend, or lots of other possibilities.

Hope this helps.