when brown and white can't mix
Hello, this is gonna be long
Just come across this site tonight and thought I would write...I am 24 and have been in a relationship for the past 3 years with a white guy, I'm a british indian with conservative parents who expect me to marry an indian bloke...We have since split up, for 3 weeks now. Just spent a year travelling together (my parents didn't know, and don't know how I got away with it). the year was fun...but since being back at home it's really difficult to get away, questions and family things crop up at the weekend. I couldn't take it anymore felt so depressed and confused so i deceided to end it because of all the shame it would cause. The thing is I don't know if it is wholely the parent thing which led me to break up and after reading the different threads I am even more confused, I was feeling happier because I had made a decisions and finally able to get on with my life, but feel like 'a part of me has died', I know a cliche. I feel like such a cow, because he's the nicest bloke you could ever have for a life partner, even though he's a bit docile. I mean we haven't even had sex yet, I have a condition where my hole is too small, and tightens, i am unable to control this. But I won't go into this. I keep thinking maybe it tightens because my concious doesn't want to have sex, but I do. Anyway I am straying off the point, he's stuck by me and yet I'm throwing it away.
I don't seem to have a sex drive anymore, when we did do things, to 'fully' enjoy it was me who initiated it, whenever he did, it didn't seem to do anything, that didn't seem right.
He's was my first proper boyfriend and at first I didn't fancy him, but I grew to love him., I can be myself around him, say anything do anything and not feel stupid. The thing is a week after we got back from abroad I saw a bloke who I was kind of seeing a few years ago (he stopped calling me), and all these feelings came flooding back, sexual feelings which I don't have for my boyf, now that can't be right....even now I fantasize about this bloke,even though he's got a girlfriend....I think it's a way to escape from feeling confused, I just don't know. I know that if the parent thing wasn't in the way we would still be together, he says if I loved him I would try my hardest to be with him, which I suppose is true. I always think about him and miss being with him and talking to him. One thing that irritated me about him, and is going to sound so horrible, is he has all these baby names for me, which do my head in and I keep thinking is it puppy love or does that just happen to teenagers, I was late starter in the boys department. Now that is so ungrateful I know, maybe I wanted a more mature relationship, maybe I grew out of it. I keep thinking of the life we could have together, living with all the family shame. They are important to me too, and I want to make them happy and not hate me.
I keep trying to make myself think, it's for the best, leave it to fate and all that crap...but can't help thinking it's going to be the worst decision I have ever made.
I'm so scared of what the future holds. Please let me know what you think, hate me or love me, just want some opinions.
