I've never been in a relationship, what is it that i lack, GOD TELL ME??!!

I'm 20 years old, never been in a relationship. Don't have many friends, and the ones i do have have girlfriends who they're occupied with so i can't get out to actually meet people...gah, this is hard to talk about because its such an embarrassing matter for me...Never kissed a girl, never had a girl "friend" just to hang with. I suffered from social anxiety but managed to get over the majority of it but i still get nervous in social situations...ESPECIALLY with a girl, i can't even look a girl in the eye. I used to weigh 21 stone but ive taken a healthier approach to life and in the past 3 months i'm down to 17 stone and still losing weight, this approach to a healthier lifestyle is an attempt to be a bit more "aesthetically pleasing" to people...but even then its nothing without a good personality. I'm nervous, crack the wrong jokes at the wrong times, i leave awkward silences, im uninteresting and the things i'm into such as hobbies most people aren't into such as painting (funnily enough i know A LOT of people are into art, but with my lack of friends and nervous disposition, i can't meet people who are into this particular subject) A biproduct of my remaining social anxiety is my mind races to find something interesting to say, and i run through everything i can say in my head and i literally try and predict the outcomes of conversations like some freaky clairvoyant...i do this till my mind literally goes blank and i say to myself "i have nothing to talk about :/ "
I lack the drive most men have, i wish i had that drive or could develop it...or i wish i had no shame in me so i could just ask every single girl i meet out and hopefully one would eventually say yes.

Sorry for the rant...just needed it off my system.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Nightcrawler [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

i wish i had no shame in me so i could just ask every single girl i meet out and hopefully one would eventually say yes.

---

Basically, this is pretty much what you should be doing. Everyone who is new at it is nervous, because they lack experience which builds confidence. You just have to bite the bullet and do it, hun.

all things good and bad start with how you were raised by parents and how your are treated in school from day 1, i am assuming you have been screwed by people (family, friends) all your life. I am in a very similar situation as you. The only advice i can give you is trust yourself and listen to no one else, do everything yourself and be yourself. Dont let people around you judge you, remember you are different and think of yourself as better then them, once you do this your confidence will rise in every thing. Remember life is what you make it to be, however make sure your life is in your control not someone else's. Be a man and live this life while it is here, instead of wasting it.

Sounds like what you lack is a girlfriend.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Lite [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Sounds like what you lack is a girlfriend.

---

You think?...

I hear your pain man. I had my first relationship when I was 18 and I was so depressed because I didn't know how to approach girls. I was shy, I moved a lot and had hard time making long lasting friendships. I ended up hooking up with a friend of mine, she just got out of another relationship and needed a rebound (I know that now, had no idea back then). She knew I liked her because she was a lot more experienced than I was so she reached for me and it just happened. After that relationship things came more naturally, I was more self confident but never really learned how to "pick up" a girl. All of my future relationships happened spontaneously, I'd meet someone through a friend and we'd hook up.
Now after a long term relationship I feel like I'm back at the square one. Fortunately though I started hanging out more with friends and girls are getting interested in me again. I'm reasonably good looking guy but definitely not one of those macho types. All I do now is try not to give them too much attention at first, be natural and spontaneous and most importantly MAKE THEM LAUGH! You don't have to crack jokes if you're not good at it. I'm not, English is my second language and it makes it hard for me to crack jokes naturally. Plus I'm not good at it even in my native language :-)
Just one example what I did the other day at the bar, there was this girl and she started showing interest. We were talking and stuff then somehow I ended up stacking straws from the bar on top of each other making it a very long straw, reached for her glass and started sipping her drink. It cracked her up and we ended up snapping photos and drinking sharing the drink, laughing all along. We followed up with some funny stories and exchanged facebook accounts (so I can send her pics). I didn't show too much interest in her, but just enough to keep her thinking. Now you don't have to do the same thing, just make sure whatever you do, do it spontaneously and playfully. If you have no experience rehearsed stuff will not work for you.
Also, practice eye contact. Go out to a starbucks or something and look at barista in her eyes. Look other people in the eyes, be careful not to stare though.
don't try to avoid physical contact with girl you're interested in. I used to do that because I felt comfortable having physical contact only with my gf. While talking to a girl slap high five if appropriate. She may mirror you and before you know it she might wrap her fingers around yours (like lovers do)! Learn to get close to girls without invading their personal space.
And most importantly, be positive, happy and boost your self esteem! Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you look better then ever! Be confident because you do look good. Even if you're not the hottest, funniest guy out there, someone will like you sooner or later.

Good luck

Thanks for sharing your experiences with me man. I will take on board what you say, but what gets me down is i don't have many friends, and the few i do have are not very social like me (though i wish to be) or they're preoccupied with their own girlfriends, and with this i have no one to go out with to meet new people. Its a really vicious cycle. And i find it hard to meet new people even as friends because my mind grinds to a halt when im trying to make conversation, because i'm trying to be witty and interesting and its so hard. I'm ACTUALLY starting to think im disabled in some capacity considering i've never EVER been with anyone in my entire life, and lack what it takes and im constantly asking myself why. Its like waking from a life-long coma and i don't have the skills necessary to meet new people.

Yeah I feel kind of left out too. Long time relationship and my job f***d up my social life a bit too. Most mutual friends I try to avoid, the others are either married or in a relationship. I went alone to the club few times, you can try that too. It's not as bad as it seems, a lot of people go to clubs alone. I've had no luck there though, except for having short conversations here and there. It still helps you socialize, just don't go with sole intent to pick up someone because you will get disappointed. Just go to have good time. I can't dance for s**t but who cares, nobody knows me anyway!

I can socialize with people easily, but I do have a problem building relationships with people. It's hard to get to the point where people invite me to hang out with them in the future.

Not having anybody is hard, especially as you're getting older, but once you get past that point you'll forget about it. Just try not to look desperate, which was probably the hardest thing to do because you are desperate. I guess I just gave up on looking for someone and it just happened without me even trying. It will happen, don't worry, just be yourself. My first kiss was awkward because I didn't know what to do, but it's really not a rocket science. Just take it easy and you'll feel what needs to be done. Try to tease, don't be too direct and don't tell her you have no experience. Girls love to be teased.

Try to look for a friend instead of girlfriend. Friendship can easily turn into something more. If she likes spending time with you alone, you've got something. My last gf and I started out as friends. We were from different countries, different cultures and it was exciting to find how many things we had in common. We were taking long walks alone for about a month or so, never tried to get closer. Then one night we got wasted at friends party, went out for a walk and to tell you the truth, I don't even remember how we started kissing! Next day we both pretended like nothing happened. Only about a week later we hooked up for real. We were supposed to go out with some other girl, so I picked my ex first, then I spoke to other girl on the phone and told her we're not really going out or something like that, can't really remember. Anyway, I got rid of her so we could be alone. She told me a lot later that she knew what's going to happen because I obviously wanted to be alone with her. So we walked down to the pond in this park, had few beers and we were just chilling. It was around Halloween and nights were getting cold. She shivered and I jokingly stepped towards her telling her I can warm her up. In this moment eye contact is really important, as well as her body language. If she doesn't wanna kiss you, you'll know. This was followed by most amazing five years in my life.

Also pay attention to the way you walk, talk and your body language. I used to talk fast so I can say everything before someone interrupts me. Try to talk a little slower maybe, try to use deeper voice but don't go to extremes. When I get excited or wanna impress somebody I realized my voice gets higher pitch. I'm trying to talk in more calm manner and people tend to pay more attention to what I have to say! Try not to show you're nervous or bite your nails in front of other people. I bite my nails sometimes and I'm trying hard to get rid of that habit. Smile and positive attitude goes a long way. Try to enjoy doing what you're doing instead of trying to trying to reach your goal.

Read some books about dating, you'll find good advice there. Also accept the fact that you'll NEVER figure out women. They're just different from us, you can't reason with them or expect them to be logical. I tried to reason with my ex, offering her to go to a relationship consultant or something because for me it didn't make any sense to ruin everything we had together without at least trying to save it! Our situation was very specific and she blamed me for something I had no control over. She even admitted that it didn't make any sense, she just felt that way. Instead of trying to work on those feelings and I was ready to help, she simply let her love for me slip away and she made her decision to break up.

It's a long read but I hope it will help.