22 days later (aka how am I dealing with it)

I decided to do a little retrospective on past few weeks and changes in my life that happened since the love of my life shattered my world and everything I thought was worth fighting for. It may help those of you newly broken because you may feel the same as I did, helpless and hopeless, left alone in this world after you shared everything you had with the person you loved.

It's been 22 days since she's told me the ugly truth. She doesn't love me anymore. She wanted to stay friends. 10 days later I moved out of our apartment and her life. Those were the most painful days of my life. I saw her every night going out and coming back late in the morning, obviously having fun and enjoying herself. My heart was breaking apart, I couldn't eat or think straight.
Then I moved out and started having dreams and nightmares. I was trying to pull myself together but it seemed impossible. I work nights and had no time to go out. I also had nobody to go out with because all of my friends were our mutual friends. Still, some of our friends helped me out without taking sides and I'm very grateful for that.
I was determined to move on and try too meet some new people, hook up with some girls. Then I faced another problem. I came to USA 5 years ago, she was one of first people I met here and my only girlfriend I've ever had in this country. Although I speak English really well, it's still my second language and I've never learned how to flirt or approach girls in English. Basically I felt like 16 year old trying to figure out HOW to approach girls and I'm 31 now!

Two Saturdays ago I just went to the club, cold turkey, all by myself. I had really no idea what to do I just needed change. As I was ordering my drink this beautiful girl approached the bar trying to order a drink for her friend and spontaneously we started talking to each other. That gave me a sudden boost of self confidence and although I didn't manage to get her number or anything it made me feel a lot better and I spontaneously engaged in conversation with some other people in a club that night. The rest of the night I was dancing my a** off even though I can't dance for s**t!

The very next day I was invited to this bbq where I knew only few people. The place was crowded with single girls but I simply stuck with my friends unable to make a move and approach someone. I just wasn't ready. I did meet some new people though and briefly spoke to one girl who later told my friend she thinks I'm cute. Another boost of self confidence, just what I needed!

Still I was suffering deeply every time I went home all alone. I was waiting for the end of my no contact period hoping to reconcile with her. She kept messing up my no contact policy, called me few times but I didn't answer. Then I met her at the gym and she approached me. I asked her politely to give me some time, just like I gave her time when she asked for it. She agreed but few days later she texted me again just to say that my mom was calling on skype and I should call her back. I thanked her and that was it. It messes me up though, every time she calls or txt me.

Then last Saturday I woke up, shaved, took a shower and looked at my image in the mirror. I've lost 20lbs, worked out last few weeks and I I felt and looked so much younger. Suddenly I started feeling good about myself. I was full of self confidence and I made a firm decision to start enjoying my life. I went to work feeling good. After work I went with my friends to this bar and one of their friends brought along a girl friend from work. So I flirted a little bit with the bartender and it felt great. then somehow this girl started showing interest in me and we started talking and having fun. I made her laugh all this time and even though we were not verbally flirting with each other she started getting closer to me, using every opportunity to touch me or rub against me, we were slapping high fives until she finally wrapped her fingers around mine... We took some funny photos and I gave her my phone to add me ass a friend on a facebook. Then we moved to another bar and she jumped into my car while others drove in another car, later she shared a drink with me... By the end of the night she said we should totally hang out some other time and I told her just to send me message on the facebook. I tried not to show too much interest by asking her phone number. I went home and just felt soo good about myself! This morning I woke up and my ex was not the first thing on my mind. I feel like I'm slowly moving on...

I'm not trying to fool myself, I'm not over her yet and I still love her, but I'm building an idea in my head that actually I loved my ex for who she WAS not who she IS now. She changed for whatever reason but she's just not the same loving person I knew.
I'll see how it goes and I'll still stick with my no contact policy, even if in the end I decide that I don't want her back, I still wanna see if she'll try to get back together with me.

Now I'm looking for another job, something that will make me happy, I'm looking for a new place to live because I feel like I was forced to live in my present apartment and just being there makes me depressed. I definitely changed the way I look, walk, talk and feel about myself. I'm not trying to be someone else, just little changes in my appearance make other girls notice me and it boosts my self confidence. Now I know that I'll be able to move on even if I don't get back together with my ex. The time will show...