Just some guy sounding off about a lost love
Just over two months ago I broke up with my partner, after three years - I left, by mutual consent. I continue to be in contact with her, it's all very respectul and caring, which is more than I can say for alot of the time we were together. But, in another sense, it's all so false. I look at her lovingly, all I can think about is how much I love her, how much I miss her. I try to make our time together as pleasant as possible, and try to subjugate my needs and desires and concentrate on demonstrating, in word and deed, love and care. She tells me she loves me, but that it'll be a long time before she opens her heart to anyone again, much less lives with anyone. She's made it clear that IF (and that's a very big IF) we do get back together it would be in a very long time from now. Not that long ago she seemed to be softening her stance, she said she now viewed it as a "time-out" rather than a break-up ("a few months", which would "fly by") But now she says she doesn't remember saying that - and it's true that whereas I never stop thinking about this break-up and how to repair and regain, she, by her own admission, has neither the time nor the inclination to be quite so reflective. She has a son from her previous marriage, with whom I had a very positive relationship for the first year or so (he has a number of issues with his own father (whom he dotes on, but who's a real let-down for him)) and she has said that she needs to protect him from further hurt - caused by being witness to and being caught in the middle of 'parental' rows and niggles - themselves caused by anger and frustration which I bitterly regret and which I have since expelled from my psyche. I don't know, but I feel she's hiding behind him. We talk about him endlessly, and seeks my advice - in some ways it's though we never broke up! She seems content to be 'alone', though she does say that it's hard for her, financially (and I continue to contribute, unlike her ex-husband) and emotionally - but she says that if we get back together, it'll have to be for the right reasons, i.e not because she's broke and alone. That's all fine, I understand, hard as it is to take.
Our meetings, of which there have been many, in a variety of forms, are in secret. She doesn't want her family (who feel let down by me) knowing that I'm seeing her, if "seeing" is the right word. Not sure if any of her friends are aware of us having anything other than a 'business-like' relationship. There have been times when we have been intimate, not sexually, but lovingly, and and comfortably. She's slowly getting on with her life, and I with mine, but we support each other, and she is in no doubt whatsoever that I love her, as I give her all the time, space and respect she deserves. She has work commitments, she's doing very well, which is great and, only yesterday we were talking about a holiday that she might go on with her sister and her family (minus me, of course) I try to be as supportive as I can be in everything, I want nothing but her happinness. But inside I'm becoming more and more desperate about losing her.
I know that our souring relationship towards it's final(?!) six months or so caused her son a lot of hurt. He's nearly twelve and, while in some ways very resilent and grown-up, he's actually quite immature - he now sleeps in his mother's bed and won't spend a night away from his Mum (she and I went out on a "date" to the cinema a few of nights ago, while he was sports training. He phoned his Mum on her cellphone, got no reply and got very upset that she was out - like she's not allowed a life :-) - she pretended she was at a girlfriend's house and didn't hear the phone) - not sure if he's thinks of himself as 'protecting' her, taking my place, or just very insecure. I feel the need to be able to have contact with him at some point, if only to prove to him that I love him and his mum, to prove that all that anger has gone, and to say sorry for hurting him. His mother says no, not for a while, she wants to get him back on an even keel. It's his birthday soon, It's Easter next week, then her birthday, then summer...It's all getting too much.
I love her, completely, and respect her views, and abide by her rules. Sometimes though I think I should just disappear. She says "if it was meant to be, then it will happen" I feel, though, that things don't happen unless we make them happen. So I walk this fine line between not pressurising, not extorting, and being sad and lonely, and trying to repair a broken love bond.
:?:
