I love my boyfriend but he is depressed!

Printable View

16-09-10, 06:57 AM
kiwi123

I love my boyfriend but he is depressed!

Hi, this is my first post and the reason I joined this forum. My boyfriend is depressed and I have no one to talk to about it since most of our friends are mutual friends and I don't want to break his privacy.

I am 18 and he is 22. We have been dating for about 4 months but have been very close friends for about a year. We used to always joke around and have fun and never an awkward silence or anything.

Recently, he has been getting depressed. It has been getting worse and worse. When he was younger he was on Zoloft (anti-depressant) but decided to get off of it on his own and has been fine since until recently. He also just got laid off from his job. He never wants to go out any more, just sit around and smoke and drink and watch TV. I'm fine with drinking and whatever but he's just using it for the wrong reasons I think.

I've talked to him a lot about it and he admits that he is depressed but says he's okay and doesn't need therapy or anything.

This morning he told me that he doesn't trust anyone except for me and he doesn't feel good enough about himself to be around any one, including our close friends, except for me.

It makes me happy that he can open up to me a little but I don't think it's healthy that I'm the only person he wants to be around, I love him very much and it hurts to see him hurting and I just would like some advice as to what I can do about this?

It's hard for me to always be cheery when he is so depressed. It's really affecting both of us and I just want to do whatever I can to make him happy.
He constantly reminds me that it's not my fault and he doesn't know what he would do without me but when he's clearly feeling so bad it's hard to believe that!
18-09-10, 01:24 AM
BrownDog52469

The best thing you can do for a depressed person is to show concern. Talk to him about it, support him and let him know you care. Nothing is stable in his world right now. You can be that one rock he has to hold on to when the waves come crashing down.

It sounds like he is predispossed to depression. The loss of his job may have triggered the present bout. He needs something to regain his confidence.
18-09-10, 02:07 AM
lahnnabell

This guy needs some sort of professional help because the road he's headed down is not a good one. This guy has to be a functional, independent adult, and instead he's turning to every vice available to weasel out of any sort of responsibility.

I worry that you're going to let him drag you down this road. Depressed people are very selfish people, and sooner than later you will find that your wants and needs don't matter anymore. You'll be expected to cater to his every mood change and every issue. Depressed people can't see anyone else but themselves and their own problems. You can't just abandon your own life to take care of this guy.

I've dated some very depressed guys before and it always went the same route. Their mood changes began to affect our relationship more and more. I was busy with my own life and thus couldn't always be around to provide them with the emotional pick-me-up they needed. I grew tired and frustrated and depressed myself. Eventually, I'd reach my breaking point and have to call it quits.

Has he attempted looking for new work? If you want to help, perhaps you can find job postings and send them to him. Tell him how great you think he'd be for a certain position. It's not a solution, but it's somewhere to start. Hopefully he's still lucid enough to hear you.
18-09-10, 02:59 AM
smileyballer

Quote:

Originally Posted by lahnnabell [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

This guy needs some sort of professional help because the road he's headed down is not a good one. This guy has to be a functional, independent adult, and instead he's turning to every vice available to weasel out of any sort of responsibility.

I worry that you're going to let him drag you down this road. Depressed people are very selfish people, and sooner than later you will find that your wants and needs don't matter anymore. You'll be expected to cater to his every mood change and every issue. Depressed people can't see anyone else but themselves and their own problems. You can't just abandon your own life to take care of this guy.

I've dated some very depressed guys before and it always went the same route. Their mood changes began to affect our relationship more and more. I was busy with my own life and thus couldn't always be around to provide them with the emotional pick-me-up they needed. I grew tired and frustrated and depressed myself. Eventually, I'd reach my breaking point and have to call it quits.

Has he attempted looking for new work? If you want to help, perhaps you can find job postings and send them to him. Tell him how great you think he'd be for a certain position. It's not a solution, but it's somewhere to start. Hopefully he's still lucid enough to hear you.

Careful with this line of thinking. Depression is indeed a serious thing, but there's only so much the doctors can do about it. I've been seeing a psychiatrist for 8 years now for OCD and schizotypal personality disorder. Depression is wedged in there some where. But anyways I'm on Luvox and Anaphranil for the OCD and depression, but it only helps so much. You can't generalize people with depression as selfish people. When you're in that hole, there's no escape. I've tried. You try everything that normally makes you happy, you try random acts of kindness, you try just walking and admiring nature, etc. Nothing works sometimes. However when I'm in my darkest hours, I force myself to go through the motions of my life, and be there for my family and friends who care about me. Last summer, my mom (who also suffers from OCD) had a terrible relapse into OCD. It was really bad, and consumed every aspect of her life. She became extremely depressed as well. At the time, I was also in one of my depressed states, but I saw how badly she was suffering and I knew that she needed me. I am in a much better place than I used to be with the OCD, but I'd been through what she was going through, so I knew how to be there and help her. I helped her with everything I could, even though it made my OCD worse in the process. Eventually she got better, but she still struggles with it today.

My main message here is, don't classify all depressed people as selfish. Also, to OP, be there for your boyfriend. Sometimes it's just one person that get's you through the day without succumbing to complete despair
18-09-10, 04:34 AM
lahnnabell

Quote:

Originally Posted by smileyballer [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Careful with this line of thinking. Depression is indeed a serious thing, but there's only so much the doctors can do about it. I've been seeing a psychiatrist for 8 years now for OCD and schizotypal personality disorder. Depression is wedged in there some where. But anyways I'm on Luvox and Anaphranil for the OCD and depression, but it only helps so much. You can't generalize people with depression as selfish people. When you're in that hole, there's no escape. I've tried. You try everything that normally makes you happy, you try random acts of kindness, you try just walking and admiring nature, etc. Nothing works sometimes. However when I'm in my darkest hours, I force myself to go through the motions of my life, and be there for my family and friends who care about me. Last summer, my mom (who also suffers from OCD) had a terrible relapse into OCD. It was really bad, and consumed every aspect of her life. She became extremely depressed as well. At the time, I was also in one of my depressed states, but I saw how badly she was suffering and I knew that she needed me. I am in a much better place than I used to be with the OCD, but I'd been through what she was going through, so I knew how to be there and help her. I helped her with everything I could, even though it made my OCD worse in the process. Eventually she got better, but she still struggles with it today.

My main message here is, don't classify all depressed people as selfish. Also, to OP, be there for your boyfriend. Sometimes it's just one person that get's you through the day without succumbing to complete despair

I wasn't saying that medication was the answer. In fact, I think a lot of meds to quite the opposite. Some sort of therapy is needed though.
18-09-10, 05:34 AM
justcheckin

Quote:

Originally Posted by smileyballer [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Careful with this line of thinking. Depression is indeed a serious thing, but there's only so much the doctors can do about it. I've been seeing a psychiatrist for 8 years now for OCD and schizotypal personality disorder. Depression is wedged in there some where. But anyways I'm on Luvox and Anaphranil for the OCD and depression, but it only helps so much. You can't generalize people with depression as selfish people. When you're in that hole, there's no escape. I've tried. You try everything that normally makes you happy, you try random acts of kindness, you try just walking and admiring nature, etc. Nothing works sometimes. However when I'm in my darkest hours, I force myself to go through the motions of my life, and be there for my family and friends who care about me. Last summer, my mom (who also suffers from OCD) had a terrible relapse into OCD. It was really bad, and consumed every aspect of her life. She became extremely depressed as well. At the time, I was also in one of my depressed states, but I saw how badly she was suffering and I knew that she needed me. I am in a much better place than I used to be with the OCD, but I'd been through what she was going through, so I knew how to be there and help her. I helped her with everything I could, even though it made my OCD worse in the process. Eventually she got better, but she still struggles with it today.

My main message here is, don't classify all depressed people as selfish. Also, to OP, be there for your boyfriend. Sometimes it's just one person that get's you through the day without succumbing to complete despair

I agree I think depression is natural almost. I have been "depressed" before and do not consider myself selfish by any means. Some times life gets hard... and thats about all there is to say. He is lucky to have you, and I agree with that you should stick by him and help him through it. Just because he is depressed does not mean it is a downards sprial... he can come out on top better then before... it will just take some time.

Talk with him and try to get to the bottom of his depression. Try to find out what is causing it. Let him know you care, that can mean more then you know.