Long story, need some serious, serious advice.
Hello there :] Please, if you could read my story.
Could really use some wise input on this situation... It's kind of a long story.. But it's really all extremely relevant.
So basically,
I feel like I really messed up..
My first love broke up with me about a month ago.
I loved her to death, she loved me just as much.
But she grew tired of my broken promises and lost connection to me. As far as she has known me, the last two and half years, I had been addicted to smoking marijuana and living a horrible lifestyle. My self confidence was non-existent, I suffered from both a really bad anxiety and bi-polar disorder that I've had all my life and the lifestyle that I was living made those problems a hundred times worse. I never really realized it until it was too late, but for so long I was okay with just running away from my problems and masking the pain with pleasure.
I probably sound like I would be a negative influence in her life, but I never let anything stop me from trying to be the best boyfriend that I could be. I did everything I could every day to try and make her feel perfect for so long. I was always there to listen to her problems, I spilled my heart out to her, made her the number one in my life and opened up to her unlike I have to anyone else in my entire life. She knew I smoked, I met her because she was in the same "group" of friends, and she was okay with it. I had a lot of problems.
But I was a loser, I had no job, no car, no license even, no will to do anything with my life besides hanging around with my friends getting high and dedicating my life to my girlfriend. I spent so much time making her feel like the greatest girl in the world, but never did anything to make myself happy. She was the only one who brought me true happiness, and I never even knew it until it was too late.
In June she started talking about marriage and our future "children". I went to a family wedding one day, and her family fell in love with me. This is when her mom talked to me about all of that. She told me we could get engaged because she knew how much her daughter loved me. Being halfway through college, this kind of scared me, but I became fixated on the idea. I loved the idea of being her protector and her provider. Being there for her for everything, coming home to her every night, to our children. The happiness it would bring to me. We planned everything out, we were going to get married when we finished college in a year and a half, we planned the wedding, the names of our children, everything. She was really obsessed with being the mommy, and it made me feel so important that there was somebody who wanted to have my children. . Looking back now, in no way shape or form are ready or responsible enough for any of this, but we would always think we were okay because I had a ridiculous amount of money in the bank from inheritance, more than enough to support my/our life for at least 20+ years. But of course it takes more than just financial stability to be ready for all of that.
In July, I went away back to my home in new york for three+ weeks to see family. Keep in mind, at this point, we had not fought or had any sort of verbal argument ever, in a time span of two years of being together. She was extremely emotional when I left, it was the first time I ever really left her and I remember her crying at her friends house. We talked every day while I was gone, and up until the end everything was fine really...
A big problem I had was when I was really bi-polar, about once a month I would have a breakdown and feel really bad about myself. I would text her how I felt I was no good. She would cry for me, and overall I just made her feel really bad too because she loved me so mucht . This was around the time I began to realize that the pot was affecting my life in a big way, I thought going away would help me to take a break.. I didn't stop. I was addicted.
At the end of my trip, I had another breakdown. I texted her like usual, but this time she was really upset and wanted me to see help. I was afraid to take medicine because I knew how dependent I was on it when I was a child, and I hated the dependency, but it helped me so much and balanced me out and I said I would give it a try. It was this same conversation that we had our first real verbal argument, she was starting to question things. She felt like she could not make me happy, and that I really needed to make myself happy. She was also upset with the fact that, besides her, I could not open myself up to anyone besides her. I got really upset and started crying, it felt like my world was coming to an end.
This whole time too, I suffered from extreme social anxiety. . I was never vocal about my opinions. I kinda just always got high and stared off into space. I only felt comfortable around her, not even around any of my friends, so just imagine how I was around the general public.
But basically, after our first argument (we didn't really even argue, we just discussed problems, something we never really did before) I called her, because it was all over text, and we made up quick. I promised I would get help, see a psychiatrist, tackle all of these mental issues, get medicine, and get my life together. This was also the first time I ever told her that I thought the pot was ruining my life, and how I was such a better person before I started using mind altering drugs. I promised I would stop smoking. She was so happy for me. She wanted to rediscover me all over again. I was coming back to her in just two days, she was so excited. It was my birthday the day after I got back, and hers was exactly a week later. We were so happy.
So I got back, things were amazing.. We had such amazing experiences, some of the most fun times of our lives.. I felt myself improving each day I was off of it. Basically, I planned to get it out of my system, then do everything else I promised to her. Everything was great.
So August rolls around. At the beginning, I found out my best friend was joining the navy.Tthey were throwing a party for him. This was one of my stoner buddies. The party rolls around. We are all sitting around the table, my girlfriend is sitting in my lap. He passes me the pipe. "Come on dude, I'm leaving for the military tomorrow, hit this!" I looked to my girlfriend, she was kind of in a really silly mood and a bit tipsy, she told me it was okay it was a special occasion, she even hit it herself. Keep in mind it was basically all out of my system by this point, something I never did. I never took a break before this. It was an extremely bad decision. I got higher than I ever did in my entire life. And I enjoyed it so much. I had so much pleasure. I was addicted all over again. And I knew it.
But this time, I distanced myself from my girlfriend. I started feeling really depressed again. She never really told me like, "hey, you know, that was the last time you are supposed to do it", but I knew how she felt about the situation. I started smoking every day again. I was going backwards in my progress.
Since the party at the beginning of August to when she broke up with me the 6th of September, I saw her a total of three times. In the entirety of our relationship, we saw each other almost on a daily basis. I would spend all my time with my "friends". I was being a horrible boyfriend. Before all of this I would text her all day. I would always respond to her within ~5 minutes. But now, there was long, two-three hour periods in between my texts.
At the very end of August, she found out from one of her friends that I had continued smoking every day and she found out where I had been investing all of my time. Her feelings were completely broken. She texted me really upset, and I blew up on her. I tried defending myself, I was really hostile and just a complete fool. I contacted her the next day apologizing, we had a long talk on the phone and she was still really upset but she forgave me after I begged for another chance. This was September 1st. The next day I had my first appointment with my psychiatrist, he diagnosed me with depression and gave me free samples of this medicine. She was really happy I took this step, but I was a fool and lost the note that came with it. I took two times the highest dose.
Basically, it gave me really bad side effects. I had extreme insomnia, I felt like I was extremely sick, and I was having suicidal thoughts, something I never had before. I was ALWAYS peaceful as long as I lived, I never EVER thought about harming myself. Stupid me, I never thought it was the medicine though. I didn't think it could have that much of an effect on me so soon. And I continued taking it. A couple days later, I had a complete breakdown with her over the phone. And I took it out this time on my girlfriend, to the point where I forced her to breakdown also. She had enough. She was really sorry, but she said that I really needed time to get better on my own. She would be there as a friend, a best friend, but she told me the last month she had lost so much connection to me. She had love for me, but she thought it was best. She wanted to break up. She said she would never give up hope for "some day", and hope from our dreams, but she couldn't be together with me anymore. She was too hurt. I was no longer bringing her happiness.
After hearing this, I complete broke down. For a couple days after the breakup I begged her to take me back through text, and was completely crazy. I literally felt insane. My brain was so messed up, half of the things I told her made absolutely no sense. I made her felt overwhelmed to the point where she couldn't respond to my texts anymore because she felt I wasn't mentally stable. I remember sending her a text after that read, "you want me to be happy, but ignoring me just makes me so suicidal". She completely freaked out. It was at this point where she called me for the first time since we broke up. I was completely broken down at this point, crying, and kept saying things such as, "I can't do this anymore. There's nothing left for me here on this world anymore. I'm completely done with my life. I'm finished". She kept begging me not to do anything stupid, I was so frustrated I threw my phone across the room and it shattered in pieces. Keep in mind, she lives about 30~ minutes away from my apartment. After I broke my phone, and, obviously hung up on her, she was there in about twenty. She opened up my apartment door, and saw me sitting on the floor through the sliding glass door out to my patio. At this point I had cut a gash with a razor blade from my knee to the middle of my thigh, it was extremely deep and I was bleeding everywhere. I was holding a pistol that I owned and I was just sitting there holding it, on and off on and off playing with the safety. Keep in mind at this point, I had probably mustered four hours of sleep in three days. My thought process was totally insane and I was honestly about a couple minutes away from completely breaking. She immediately took the pistol from me and hid it somewhere, and rushed me to the hospital. The sweet angel. She never harmed anybody. That was September 10th.
Since then, I have gone to a psychiatrist every other day. They held me in the hospital for a while. They took me off of that medicine I was on. I noticed an immediate change, and they found a medicine that is really helping me and has no noticeable or extreme side effects. Right now, on this day, I feel like a completely different person. More different than I ever have in my entire life. I hit the lowest point in my entire life, but I feel reborn. The crisis totally changed my perception on life. I finally have drive. Confidence. Motivation to make a change and become a new person. I have dropped all of my loser friends, who by the way didn't even really care about what happened to me, one of them supposedly even laughed.. I purchased my first car and have been driving each and every day with confidence. I got my first job three weeks ago and have been working 25 hours a week at a retail store, meeting new people and it feels great. I started working out every day, and plan on attending a hockey league in December, my passion I gave up on when I started partying. The psychiatrist made one of my first priorities stepping up to the plate and tackling my anxiety, mostly my social anxiety, placing me in situations outside of my comfort zone, such as the work environment and it has worked wonders. I am forcing myself to interact with the world and I have been completely happy while doing it. People I knew before have told me how much they can finally connect on me, I can finally keep up good, interesting conversations. And I have been MUCH more enjoyable to be around. I have been seeking refuge in buddhism and the dhammapada, something that I was extremely active in before I started partying, and it has contributed so much to my happiness. I haven't smoked since the day she found out I did in August. And I never will ever again. I will never let a substance control my life, ever again.
But I am afraid I have lost the love of my life. She kissed me goodbye at the hospital and I haven't seen her since. Since then she has texted me and told me she does not love me anymore. She said she doesn't think we could ever get back together again. She doesn't want to get hurt like that ever again. She said I don't make her happy anymore or inspire her to be the best she can be. After saying I would change so much, she has such a tough time believing me with my change. She doesn't want me to contact her for a while, a long while she said, but she told me she would love to be my friend when she contacts me and "rediscover me all over again".
I don't know what to do. I could never just "be friends" with her. It is so hard. The last two and a half years are a complete blur. My memory is erased because of the drug usage. I cannot remember my first love. Any bit of it. It is all so blurry, all of the memories. I cannot remember what her face looks like. What her body looks like. What it felt like to kiss her. To hold her. I sort of can, but very vaguely, extremely vaguely, all in a blur. It feels like a knife slicing through my chest. I have no pictures of us. She has them all in our memory box that we kept at her house. All I have is this blue bracelet she gave to me two years ago and the ring I bought. Every night I see her in my dreams. So vividly. It's like my memories. I kiss her in my dreams. I make love to her in my dreams. I wake up with tears running down my face. It's gotten to a point where I am afraid to go to sleep at night. I'm afraid to dream because it hurts so much. I don't know what to do. I can't contact her anymore. I really need some advice. I really, really do.
