Extremely complicated long-distance relationship
The situations is this:
Last fall, I got back in touch with a high-school friend of mine that I hadn't spoken to in ten years. We got on well, as we always had in the past. We were, and still are, in opposite ends of the country, but as luck would have it she had an upcoming, two-month work commitment in my city.
She was single, sort of, having broken up with her boyfriend of seven years that summer, but said they weren't entirely sure whether they were completely done with each other. They still live in the same city and see each other regularly.
Then in late January we met for coffee. Ten minutes into it, she confessed she'd been madly in love with me when we were teenagers. I was very flattered, since I'd also been quite taken with her. Sadly, neither had had the courage to take it further.
By the end of our meeting, I'd decided I wanted a relationship with her. I spent the next two weeks pursuing her. We had a couple of dates and ended up sleeping together over the Valentine's Day weekend. It seemed pretty promising.
It was a very cold, very snowy, very happy winter. March rolled around, her work was finished and she had to return. We decided we'd try to keep things alive, fly back and forth, write/call each other frequently. She came down to see me in April, and I was supposed to visit her late May, but was too busy and had to cancel. She went abroad on a research project for most of the summer, and I didn't see her again until August, for a week's joint vacation, which went very well.
Since then she's been here four times, all work-related. She's stayed with me, and it's been good. Through all of this we've never had a single fight, we've shared a lot and discovered we're very compatible and even have the same vices. We've talked about our future together, about moving to the same city, going on extended trips, even marriage (albeit jokingly).
I've worried about her ex the entire time, but I've never been jealous, even though he gets to see her more often than I do. She's been pretty honest about their meetings and the fact that she still has feelings for him (she's said she loves him, but that there's no chance they'll reconcile - just too many problems). He, in turn, has an on-again-off-again relationship with a married woman, but seeing his ex-girlfriend dating other men seems to have drawn him back to her.
Last week she was here again, but this time it was different. She seemed distracted and distant. I hoped it was just her long hours in the lab getting to her, but suspected something was wrong. I asked her about it, but she didn't seem to want to talk. Apart from this everything was normal, she was loving and appreciative.
I, however, couldn't shake that uneasy feeling from my mind, and one morning, after she'd left for work, I did something very, very foolish.
Her cell had been charging overnight through my computer and had deposited most of its data. In a moment of confounded weakness and doubt, I dug up the data file containing her archived text messages. It was very painful reading, brimming with I-love-yous and mutual, tortured passion: feelings of a magnitude far beyond what she'd been telling me was going on between them, and certainly beyond the feelings expressed for me.
I decided I had to tell her of my breach of trust, so I called her at work and suggested we spend some time talking about our relationship that evening. I also told her her phone had synched to my computer the night before, but she didn't seem to understand the significance.
It was a very emotional night. I explained I'd done something unforgivable, that I was sure she'd be leaving the next day. She didn't want to know what it was. We cursed our difficult situation, cried in each other's arms, agreed we'd cling to happiness for just one more night, made love, talked some more and fell asleep.
The next day was surprisingly placid. She finished up in the lab and we celebrated the end of her experiment. We had a nice evening and she was scheduled to fly back the following morning.
I slept uneasily. An hour before the alarm was supposed to go off, I woke her up. We cuddled and I asked her if she remembered what I'd told her two nights before. She groggily sat up and said she did.
I told her what I'd done and gazed up at her, tears streaming down my cheeks. Her eyes were unsteady. She sat there, very still, straddling me, slightly hunched over. She wore my favorite pair of black and pink lace panties. The rest of her, bare. Her small breasts dimpled the way they always did when she wasn't lying down. Her face had a look of forlorn bemusement as she gazed through the mattress and into infinity. For a while she simply said "I see... I see..." over and over again, as she must've recounted in her mind what I'd read. Then, after a pause, she whispered, "It feels funny... not having anything to hide."
I looked up at her with all my love, and said, "I know that feeling exactly."
And I did, I had been a compulsive liar in my previous serious relationship; and confession - that brief instant of all-encompassing, torrential relief and lightness - it's the only time I've ever felt entirely whole.
I'd never felt closer to her than I did at that moment. Ironically, it also seemed likely our relationship was over. I told her I'd forgiven her the previous day, but she insisted she wouldn't be able to forgive herself for having deceived me.
***
That was last Friday. It's been almost a week. The weekend was the worst. I obsessed over her, called her over and over again, sent her impassioned love letters and tried to get her to talk about her emotions and our relationship. She doesn't seem ready to, but I don't know how much longer I can remain in limbo. I've made it clear to her I adore her and would commit to her the moment I felt she returned my feelings. She's told me she needs time, and that she doesn't know what to do about our situation.
I guess I should face the not-so-improbable scenario that I've been a convenient comfort partner the past eight months, while she's been trying to get back with her ex. But that doesn't make a whole lot of sense either. In short, I'm at my wits' end. I have no idea what she wanted with me or where what's left of the relationship is likely to go.
She's a very complex woman; accomplished, gregarious, but very private; she has a million friends, but doesn't let anyone see who she really is; she tries extremely hard to please everyone, but shuns conflicts and is somewhat selfish. The fall we got reacquainted she'd had an affair with a married man and a suicide attempt. Outwardly, she's a promising academic, but within, she's told me, there's endless dark.
I've decided the best course of action is to cool it for a while. I love her desperately and she knows how I feel about her. All I can do is wait...
So, any advice?
- Theo
