She wants to "date" need some advice

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23-10-10, 07:44 AM
mratoz

She wants to "date" need some advice

To recap;

-She broke up with me 5 months ago (no cheating or abuse, her reasons for the BU, she wanted to be independent (see if she can be on her own), loved me but wasn't "in love" with me, felt as though we were more roommates, the standard GIGS lines.
-We were together for almost 7 years and living together for most of that time
-She was 20 when we got together so for most of her adult life she has been in a serious relationship.
-Did the usual begging, pleading for the first few days then went NC for 3 weeks and then NC again for another 3 weeks. For the first couple of months we spoke a handful of times.
-Went on vacation between July 4 and September 4. She broke NC again around end of July and we we've been in contact pretty much ever since. While I was away we would keep in email contact and speak on the phone a couple of times a week. When the relationship came up she would tell me she didn't want to get back together but she wanted to see me when I came back and "date" to see where it leads to.
-Came back around Labor day and we ended up spending the weekend together a couple of weeks later. We are long distance so we can't always see each other.
-We had a great time together - but before I left we got into an argument because I wanted to talk about what was going to happen, etc and she didn't want to have that conversation.
-Cooled off for a couple of days then we had a long convo on the phone - She basically re-iterated that she is taking this serious and that she wants to date and see what happens. She isn't going to date anyone else and has only been on a couple of dates in the last 5 months which were nothing.

I feel as though this is a transitional period and I really need some advice on how to proceed. From everything I read, most reconciliations happen this way and its best to start a new relationship from scratch and date each other, etc. I am having problems because I can't figure out her intentions. She is always initiating phone and email contact which is a good sign but I am observing her actions and I am not sure how to proceed. She doesn't put in any effort on planning to meet up (she leaves it into my hands) and I feel as though she is wanting me to woo her, court her, etc. That is fine to a point but I am not getting much back from her in that regard. Perhaps its not only that, it could be that I want her to be my girlfriend right now and I don't want to go through all of these steps in order for us to really get back together? I do want to add that we are long distance and can probably only see each maybe one week per month for now anyway.

I haven't talked to her on the phone for the last couple weeks as I have been blowing her off and being very short on my email replies. The situation has been causing me stress and being unsure on how to proceed with this. I have tried to pull myself away a bit so I can clear my head.

This is the email conversation we had the other day

Her "are you ever going to speak with me"
Me "what would you like to talk about?"
Her "you - me...I dunno -------what is wrong with u? why are you acting this way"
Me "nothing is wrong"
Her: "how do you expect to communicate when you won't even talk with me"? What is going on with you?
Me What would you like to talk about? Nothing is going
Her "Whatever"

Then after a couple of days she sends me this:

"I'm So confused about what you want, and what you're trying to accomplish by acting this way?!,??,!? I do miss u-I thought we were gonna get together?!??!"

I shouldn't be acting this way either. Obviously, I do want to get back with her I guess I want her to prove that she wants it as much as I do. She is just always "confused" and never really opens up to me which is so frustrating and after 5 months I feel as though I should be getting more from her. I know its a positive that she wants to date but I am struggling to figure out her intentions.

I would love to get a good range of opinions on how I should proceed here. I know dating an ex is controversial, I've found some say the dumpee should wait until the dumper totally comes back for a committed relationship and others say you should treat it as a brand new relationship.
23-10-10, 11:14 AM
cohen_girl

You were living together for the better part of 7 years and you never proposed?? If it were me in that situation, I would start to have serious doubts and probably want to see other people too. Do you ever want to get married, and more importantly, does she? If the answer is no then where do you see your relationship going? These are things you should probably talk about with her. I'd assume that you probably know each other pretty well having been together for so long and even living together so if she's the kind of woman you think you want to be with you should probably let her know that, and let her know your intentions for your relationship. And if you're not serious about her and don't want to get married, then ask yourself why you still want her?
23-10-10, 11:44 AM
mratoz

I ALWAYS wanted to marry her, but our breakup had nothing to do with not proposing. For the first few years, she was in school, finished a degree, then went back to school for a new career, we moved a few times etc. Not making excuses but I was waiting for us to settle down, etc. Then over the last year or more she would give mixed signals which would give me some doubts. Her mom has been divorced a few times so I believe that played a role in it. She would tell me, she didn't want to be 45 and regret being married one day then the next day she was talking about getting married, her wedding etc. I do have regrets and I should have proposed much sooner but we have talked about it and the breakup had nothing to do with not getting engaged/married. She definitely knows I want to be with her, marry her, that was NEVER in doubt.
23-10-10, 12:33 PM
MerryH

She said she just wants to date and take it slow. I'm pretty sure those are her intentions. I was able to deduce this because that's what she said to you.

I don't think you should wait for her to "prove that she wants it" as much as you do, because you're the one that wants more than what she's offering right now. Basically, if you want to get back together with her, date and take it slow. You shouldn't force her into anything that she's not ready for. Take it or leave it, I guess.
23-10-10, 12:46 PM
cohen_girl

Quote:

Originally Posted by mratoz [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I ALWAYS wanted to marry her, but our breakup had nothing to do with not proposing. For the first few years, she was in school, finished a degree, then went back to school for a new career, we moved a few times etc. Not making excuses but I was waiting for us to settle down, etc. Then over the last year or more she would give mixed signals which would give me some doubts. Her mom has been divorced a few times so I believe that played a role in it. She would tell me, she didn't want to be 45 and regret being married one day then the next day she was talking about getting married, her wedding etc. I do have regrets and I should have proposed much sooner but we have talked about it and the breakup had nothing to do with not getting engaged/married. She definitely knows I want to be with her, marry her, that was NEVER in doubt.

I can see how her mom getting divorced a few times might play a role in her views on marriage. And as for the mixed signal thing, I find that women do that a lot, they either say things that they don't necessarily mean because they don't want to be let down, or they really are just confused and don't know what they want. Maybe she needs to do some "soul searching" and find out just what it is she wants. Unfortunatly for you that may not coincide with your wants/expectations. All you can do is try your best to discuss the situation with her and try to work out a relationship, and if she doesn't want to give it a good try then maybe it's just not meant to be. You don't want to be constantly chasing her, that's no fun for anyone.
23-10-10, 12:52 PM
vashti

Your email conversation with her was utterly lacking in intimacy, and it seems obvious to me that THIS is what she really wants from you. If you want any chance at getting her back, you better give it to her. It would have been SO much better had you simply been truthful and told her that you needed some time apart because you are hurting.
23-10-10, 02:50 PM
IncognitoSir

Man, I just can't understand this. My ex tried to put me thru something similar. So, she breaks up with you and basically wants to start all over right? I think the problem with that is it's not real. It's like taking apart a car and reassembling it all while it only needed a new transmission. It seems like she made a decision and you get to deal with all the stress. What is dating going to lead to? What could it lead to? And why would you need to redate someone you've lived with for 7 years? How could you court a girl that you've known and already courted 7 years ago? She's asking whats wrong with you, and she knows damn well whats wrong with you! (reminds me of my ex a lot) Someone help me understand because this makes no sense to me.
23-10-10, 11:23 PM
mratoz

Quote:

Originally Posted by MerryH [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

She said she just wants to date and take it slow. I'm pretty sure those are her intentions. I was able to deduce this because that's what she said to you.

I don't think you should wait for her to "prove that she wants it" as much as you do, because you're the one that wants more than what she's offering right now. Basically, if you want to get back together with her, date and take it slow. You shouldn't force her into anything that she's not ready for. Take it or leave it, I guess.

There are so many obstacles already and it would be difficult even if she was giving 100%, if she isn't even going to put in the effort and be nonchalant about it then it's not serious to her. I want to be with her but I'm not going to go through that again unless I am confident that she really wants to try. If not then I will just tell her I want a committed relationship and if she can't do that, I will have to move on.
23-10-10, 11:27 PM
mratoz

Quote:

Originally Posted by cohen_girl [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I can see how her mom getting divorced a few times might play a role in her views on marriage. And as for the mixed signal thing, I find that women do that a lot, they either say things that they don't necessarily mean because they don't want to be let down, or they really are just confused and don't know what they want. Maybe she needs to do some "soul searching" and find out just what it is she wants. Unfortunatly for you that may not coincide with your wants/expectations. All you can do is try your best to discuss the situation with her and try to work out a relationship, and if she doesn't want to give it a good try then maybe it's just not meant to be. You don't want to be constantly chasing her, that's no fun for anyone.

I believe she is confused, she tells me that all the time. She's been in a serious relationship ever since she was an adult and has only been single a handful of months, so I do understand it. But we had 7 years together and she obviously thought it was more important for her to go find herself instead of staying in the relationship. I know she wants to get married and have kids, she just wasn't sure that was with me if she broke it off. Perhaps she wants to take it slow because she wants to be 100% sure if that is what she wants to do? Part of me feel that she is keeping me around as a security blanket, part of me feels that she genuinely wants to try. It's difficult to know for sure because she isn't saying much and her actions don't match what she is saying.
23-10-10, 11:30 PM
mratoz

Quote:

Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Your email conversation with her was utterly lacking in intimacy, and it seems obvious to me that THIS is what she really wants from you. If you want any chance at getting her back, you better give it to her. It would have been SO much better had you simply been truthful and told her that you needed some time apart because you are hurting.

I agree - but that was just one example, all the correspondences haven't gone that way. But you are 100% correct that I shouldn't have just blown her off the last 3 weeks and I do feel bad about that, because its just game playing. I was just getting so frustrated and I didn't have the energy to continue not knowing what was really going on. That is why I need to have a serious conversation with her soon, either way.
23-10-10, 11:35 PM
mratoz

Quote:

Originally Posted by IncognitoSir [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Man, I just can't understand this. My ex tried to put me thru something similar. So, she breaks up with you and basically wants to start all over right? I think the problem with that is it's not real. It's like taking apart a car and reassembling it all while it only needed a new transmission. It seems like she made a decision and you get to deal with all the stress. What is dating going to lead to? What could it lead to? And why would you need to redate someone you've lived with for 7 years? How could you court a girl that you've known and already courted 7 years ago? She's asking whats wrong with you, and she knows damn well whats wrong with you! (reminds me of my ex a lot) Someone help me understand because this makes no sense to me.

IncognitoSir: Thanks man lol your one of the few that understands me man. I have told her this and I have said we need to get back together and work out the issues that caused the breakup. We don't necessarily have to live together immediately but she should be able to give me more of a commitment. Her answer, well I can't give you that, I should just end it right there but I also don't want to close the door. I know that the door is never shut, but she is good at keeping me on the string. She tells me some nice things, and then I believe well she wants to date so I should take what she gives me. I know she cares about me and loves me on some level, but the bottom line is she doesn't want to get back together right now and its been 5 months since the breakup. To me 5 months should be enough time for her to have some clearer indication on what she wants.
24-10-10, 09:47 PM
BackUpOrGetStng

mratoz, she's definitely stringing you along. She didn't state anything you needed to work on when she left, so what changes is she going to be looking for while "taking it slow". Shut the door on her. Tell her that she is confusing you and you want no further contact unless she's ready to commit.