Torn apart ....what to do?
My ex-fiance and I have had a bumpy road over the past two years. Partially due to the fact that I'm in the military. When we began dating, we were in the same apartment complex. After a few months, I found out i was leaving to go to a different base, which was three hours away from her. I immediately felt that to save us both some future heartbreak, i would end the relationship. But after a week, we reconciled and got back together, assuring each other we would attempt to make it work.
Approximately 5-6 months went by after i had moved away from her. In that time, we both made and put forth an effort to make things work. After awhile, i felt i put forth more of an effort. Well, while visiting her one weekend, we began arguing. Frustrated and under the influence, i packed my things and left. Didn't talk to her for about a week. then it was over, for the second time.
About three months passed and she sent me a text for my birthday. we began communicating again, and a month later, were back together. In that time, i re-established a relationship with my estranged father because i found out he was dying of cancer. aside from the stress at work, this new relationship with my father took it's toll on me. also, at this point in my relationship with the ex, i felt we were attempting to get to know each other again. In our time apart, she became a vegan. Being that that's a lifestyle change, i had some more adjustments to make in our relationship. Not only did I, but my family did as well when we would go and visit them. I know my family is a bit narrow minded, so I tried not to let that affect my decision about how i felt being with my ex. At any rate, after being back together for approximately 2 1/2 months, we split again right at Christmas. I was stressed out because of my fathers situation, along with the added stress of the holidays coming from my family. In coping with that stress, i shunned my ex and found relief with alcohol. We split for a third time.
After going on a week long binge, i came to my senses. Yet it was too late. I had drank way to much and began sending her harsh text messages because she wouldnt talk to me when i had sent previous texts or called. I then sent her a box of all the things she gave me throughout our time spent together. Included in that was a 12 page letter where i poured my heart out. It included an apology, where my thoughts had taken me, and the fact that i hoped we could change things. She was hurt by the package i sent and confused by the letter. At the time i didnt get it, but eventually i understood where she was coming from. A week passed and I began seeing a counselor. Then, to make up for previous actions towards her, I sent her flowers at work. It was that night we talked and she told me to leave her alone. A respected her and her wishes and that's what i did.
About a month later, she contacted me. She inquired about the counseling, the drinking, and me. As time passed, we gradually began seeing each other again. after about three months of being back together, i proposed to her and she accepted. I wanted her to know that i was for real this time...that I was aware i screwed up before....and most importantly i had changed.
Three months had passed since the proposal. We were doing ok. However, there were things that were bothering me that I attempted to deal with without talking to her. #1 I felt she was slowly attempting to change me and my eating habits. (kind of converting me to become vegan) I've had no problems with her being vegan. I've actually enjoyed it. I have been able to try new things. I just havent been ready or willing to change. #2 Being a newly engaged couple, one may think that there would/should be passion there. Due to the distance between us, I made sure no more than 2 weeks would go by without seeing each other. Yet when we did, the intimacy factor slowly dissipated. It got to the point where i believed she felt obligated to be intimate. I told her i wanted her to do it because she wanted to, not felt obligated to. #3 I began to feel pressured about the marriage. when we would talk on the phone and she was sounding down, when i asked what was wrong she would say things like "i feel like i'm still single and my life is going nowhere" or "I feel like a hamster on a wheel." Those things bothered me.
At the end of July, i went to see my dying father. I was told he would have 30-40 days left at that time. After spending some time with him, en route back to my home, i stopped to see my ex. I needed some support and wanted to see her. When i got there, her dog wasnt feeling well. As expected, she was concerned, as was I. I stayed a few days to help her out but had to get back to work. I left without physically saying goodbye. However, i felt I had expressed the issue that i had to go soon. After making the 3 hour drive back to my place/home, she called me telling me how screwed/messed up things were. She left that on a voicemail. It was late and i was trying to get things ready for work the next day. So i didn't call her back. My intent was to give her time to calm down. Well, the next day she started with text and voice messages. Very angry and very hurtful. Eventually, due to the stress from work (i'm a drill sergeant), my father, and hers and mines relationship, I shut down.
It took me three months to contact her. In that time, i began seeing a counselor again. I feel my last shutdown was due to PTSD, (along with the prior ones) which i'm getting help for. When her and I talked, I attempted to explain this to her. Then i was told a many of things all relating to me being full of shit. I knew/know she was angry because it took me so long to contact her. But i also feel like we were both waiting to see who would do it first. We were both stubborn. Then, after wanting to avoid a heated debate three months ago, i realized it just brewed up inside of her. I told her i still wanted to make this work but she told me it was over.
I dont know if i have a false sense of hope due to our past or if there is still a possibility. I'm a bit confused because according to some friends, she still has pictures of us on her FB profile. I'm not sure if i should just accept things and move forward or slowly try one last time.
ANY INPUT WOULD BE APPRECIATED!! THANKS FOR READING!
