Good friends, does she want something more? I don't want to ruin the friendship.

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27-10-10, 12:54 AM
JELEF

Good friends, does she want something more? I don't want to ruin the friendship.

Sorry, this ended up being longer than I had intended.

Ladies,

I'm in a bit of a pinch at the moment. A close friend of mine was recently dumped by her boyfriend (also my good friend) and I'm not sure how to interpret her actions lately or how I feel about it.

She's single for the first time in 9 months and she's started flirting and being intimate with me despite my actions and demeanor being unchanged. I've not in any way tried to give her the impression that I fancy her as I've never thought of her that way. I go to her with my girl queries and she seeks guidance from me on what to do about her (ex)boyfriend. Since the break up, she's always complimenting how I'm dressed, telling me I'm sexy, and touches my beard from time to time. She also makes comments about how tall and muscular men (me) are attractive.

Her mother's been her for the last week and my friend's told her loads about me since she moved--how I'm basically her saviour and how she'd not have made it without me. So her mother's in love with me and we've got on amazingly well since I met her last week. She's been making comments about how she should marry me and my friend's mentioned it to me 3 times, that her mother wants her to marry me. I've been caught off guard every time as I've not been chasing her or trying to give her that impression. I fancy myself a well-mannered gentleman (opens and holds doors, does the washing up and helps whenever I can without having been asked) and I'm not sure if she thinks I'm doing it because I'm interested in her. Though as I've said, as far as I'm aware, I've done nothing differently over the last 4 months.

Before her breakup she was trying to set me up with her bestfriend in her native country because she said we'd be perfect, though it was obviously more of a fantasy than anything else as I've never had any plans to move there (and she knows I'm moving back to France next summer). Not that she spoke about it terribly often, but I don't believe she's brought it up since.

She's also told me about one 'date' she's gone on with a co-worker since the breakup though she said she wasn't interested and went just to see what might happen. She's also been on about another co-worker who's fancied her for months even though he knew she had a boyfriend at the time. Her flat and I went to a party last weekend and she spent quite a bit of time talking to the co-worker who's been flirting with her and chatting her up. She apparently spent quite a bit talking to him about me though as he quizzed me when we ran into eachother and met for the first time. We went to resto after the party and she was sat next to me, had her arm round me, and kept nestling her face into my chest and resting her head on my shoulder.

This is where I'm confused though. She's brilliant, incredibly caring, funny, was a model in Europe, I've never met anyone who hasn't thought she was absolutely unreal. But outside of the few times I saw her in France, I've never thought about her in a sexual kind of way. I don't know that I want to either. I like being her friend and I don't want to jeopardize that. Maybe I know that we are incompatible as lovers and it wouldn't work in the end? Or maybe we just haven't got that special connection?

I'm used to being close friends with women but I've never had one of the friendships turn into anything more. I feel a bit awkward as I don't want to give her the wrong impression but at the same time, what if I start to think about her differently? I don't want to tell her I'm not interested only to discover in a few weeks that I do fancy her. I'm flattered but have never even considered the possibility of us dating until now.

I don't know if she feels comfortable with me and wants affection because she's lonely or if there's something more to it.
27-10-10, 06:57 AM
MerryH

It's probably not so much that she's lonely, but more like she's just slutting it up because it's the first time in 9 months she's been able to do so. And not so much that she's slutting it up, but more like she's just being playfully flirty and having fun. And since you're a nice guy and a gentleman and all that, it's pretty safe to act that way with you. Are you not enjoying it?

Doesn't really sound like you're in a pinch, though. I mean, you don't have to make any decisions one way or the other right now, unless her flirtations are making you uncomfortable. If that's the case, then gently put a stop to it. If not, I don't see why you wouldn't just continue letting a pretty girl tell you you're sexy and nuzzling your chest until it either dies out or she tries sticking her tongue down your throat.
27-10-10, 07:19 AM
JELEF

Good points. Thanks.

I was just afraid of leading her on. So long as nothing happens, it's not a problem though. She's not making me uncomfortable but not knowing what I'd do if she tried to kiss me, that's what's unsettling.

It's probably just playful flirting and nothing more. Shall keep that in mind. Not a problem indeed. :)
27-10-10, 07:28 AM
xxazurexx

If you don't want to give off any wrong impressions, don't hang around in her company that much. Don't text her or call her a lot either....keep her at arms length, or she may interpret it as more.

I can't understand men who will say they don't want anything more with a female, but will insist on texting and calling same female every day. Keeping in constant touch is the worst thing you can do in this situation and it sends mixed messages.
27-10-10, 07:36 AM
JELEF

That's the nature of our relationship: we're really close. We talk on virtually a daily basis and I go round to her's several nights a week for tea. She's one of my best friends and this is how it was when she was dating my friend. Nothing's changed except for how she's acting towards me. I've also never known her when she's single though.

What about this: was planning take her and her mum to dinner on Friday night as her mother's meant to leave town at the weekend. But I'm also inviting another friend (girl) of ours along. The three of us are besties and always do stuff together. That's not going to seem like a date is it? Again, this is something I do anyway. Defo, if it were just me and her it'd properly seem like a date, but a friend and her mother? That's just a lovely evening out I should think.
27-10-10, 08:02 AM
xxazurexx

Quote:

Originally Posted by JELEF [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

That's the nature of our relationship: we're really close. We talk on virtually a daily basis and I go round to her's several nights a week for tea. She's one of my best friends and this is how it was when she was dating my friend. Nothing's changed except for how she's acting towards me. I've also never known her when she's single though.

Are your families really close, for you two to be this close? How do you know that she hasn't carrying a torch for you for a long time now, despite having a bf? You talk on a daily basis, go to her house for tea several nights a week? I've never known a guy and girl be that close or act that way, unless they were bf and gf and I've never had a best friend guy who ever acted that way with me. Guys who did want to get closer, hang out and talk, usually wanted more. But then I'm in the UK and close friendships between boy/girl in the USA seem more common than it is here. Not that I'm saying they don't exist here - just seems that you make a big thing of having opposite sex friends over there.

Quote:

What about this: was planning take her and her mum to dinner on Friday night as her mother's meant to leave town at the weekend. But I'm also inviting another friend (girl) of ours along. The three of us are besties and always do stuff together. That's not going to seem like a date is it? Again, this is something I do anyway. Defo, if it were just me and her it'd properly seem like a date, but a friend and her mother? That's just a lovely evening out I should think.

I dunno. I'd be interpreting it all that the guy liked me as more and if he invited me and my mum to dinner, lol.But maybe that is because I've never met a guy who genuinely, genuinely wanted to be my friend only.

I'm thinking she likes you more than you think she does. I'm placing myself in her shoes and wondering as to how I'd act with an old guy friend I went to school with/have known for years/an old family friend. And there is no way in hell I'd be complimenting him or touching him on the scale she is doing it, if I wasn't feeling more for him. You don't do things like that with guys and because that behaviour can give mixed messages (which you are getting now) and wrong impressions.
27-10-10, 08:55 AM
JELEF

Not family friends at all.

We both did a year on exchange in France about two or three years ago. That's how we 'know' eachother. We had mutual friends and went out several times in groups together, but we only really knew of eachother. Said maybe 5 words to one another. I completely forgot about her for two years until shortly before she moved to my city. Since then we've been in constant contact as I was the only person she knew for a few weeks. Her boyfriend flew out to stay with her for 2.5 months this summer and the lot of us travelled together and spent most of our time with eachother. She knews no one here. Having been away for 2 years, I essentially knew one here as well. Throughout the whole of it though, I've never thought about her as anything other than a friend. I was into the French girl for most of it anyway. I don't think she's been hiding her feelings at all. She's committed, takes relationships seriously, hasn't got a problem with long distance as she's done it before.

She acts differently with me than with other friends and lads. My bestie (girl) and I have a special relationship though. We're really close to the point that we are like sibblings or an old married couple. There's no intimate touching or flirting, but there's an unparalleled degree of openness between us. So maybe she sees how I act with her and realizes I'm ok with openness, being close, etc. I do the same things for her, but I did have an attraction to her for years. Now, anything I do is strictly and genuinely as friends.

Candidly, I've always thought of myself as a Mr Darcy. And if I were interested in someone I'd go about it in this manner, though far far far more subtly (the lessons I've learnt). If she were still dating my friend and I were with someone, I'd go about this all the same unless there were objections obviously.
27-10-10, 02:26 PM
MerryH

I've had a lot of really close, completely platonic guy friends. It's not that unusual. Is it really that uncommon in the UK? That sort of surprises me, for some reason.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JELEF [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

What about this: was planning take her and her mum to dinner on Friday night as her mother's meant to leave town at the weekend. But I'm also inviting another friend (girl) of ours along. The three of us are besties and always do stuff together. That's not going to seem like a date is it? Again, this is something I do anyway. Defo, if it were just me and her it'd properly seem like a date, but a friend and her mother? That's just a lovely evening out I should think.

Man, this would be the lamest first date ever. Her mom and your mutual best friend. Pfft. If anyone considered this an actual date, I would laugh in their face and bully their lunch money out of them. Don't worry about it.