is my behavior unforgivable?
A little background first.
I've been married for over ten years now. As with most relationships, ours has included both extremes of good and rough times. We have a son in middle school, who is wonderful. My wife has struggled with her psychological health for much of her life, and the symptoms she's dealt with have gotten worse over the years. She experienced some repeated trauma during her early childhood, and has dealt with periodic depression and difficulty managing/expressing her anger ever since. More recently, her depression has yielded some additional symptoms of psychotic/delusional episodes that have resulted in some dangerous situations for her. Several times in recent years she has spent some time in institutions as a result of her actions based on these delusional beliefs, has found herself in an emergency room, and has once landed herself in the local jail. Her delusions were sometimes erotomatic (believing that a powerful person was in love with her) and often paranoid. She would feel compelled to do something, believing that it would create a safer situation for herself or for our son and myself.
In a strange way, these bumps in the road have brought us closer (since her medications have been properly balanced, and she is no longer delusional). I think that going through trauma together almost always strengthens intimacy for couples, but maybe we're just lucky. Lately, however, a new doctor that she's been seeing has started reducing her anti-psychotic medications. He believes that her medication levels are too high, and feels that she can do without most of them. Her anti-psychotic dosages are now at about 10% of what they were the last time she was discharged from in-patient care. She has been struggling increasingly with her grasp on reality, as a result. She doesn't see this, however, as is often the case with delusional persons. And, of course, I'm not allowed to breech doctor/patient confidentiality and discuss with her doctor what I'm seeing at home.
A few nights ago my wife had a particularly difficult time while settling down for bed. She was extremely anxious, angry, and distracted when she came to the bedroom. She wouldn't share with me many of the details of what she believes, as she thinks (rightly) that I won't believe her. She came to bed furious with somebody, but wouldn't tell me more. I tried to talk her through her anger, but she got progressively worse. After an hour or so of discussion she was so upset and angry that she made herself sick. After some time she was able to calm herself a little, and got back into bed. Shortly after that, she started to feel like she had "restless leg" syndrome, which quickly spread throughout her body. It took some time to calm her enough that she could fall asleep, and it was nearly 4am when she (and I) drifted off.
The following morning she woke at 7:30 or so and turned over to address me. She said that she was having some of the same emotions as the night before (the anger/fury feeling) and asked for help. Wiped out, I suggested that she try meditation - something that often helps her to calm her mind. I drifted back to sleep immediately, and after a few seconds she said, "is that all you're going to say? You're not going to get up and help me? Fine!" and left the room.
A few hours later I got out of bed and went to find her, remembering the exchange we'd had earlier. She was furious with me for going back to sleep, and immediately started yelling. I felt defensive. Although it may have been a less than totally selfless act for me to allow myself to drift off again, I didn't feel that it warranted the level of anger she was expressing. I felt justified in my decision to sleep, as I had been up so late trying to help her the night before. As she has had some history of misdirecting her anger, I responded by saying, "Hey, I'm not the parent who didn't protect you when you were a kid." This caused her to switch from anger to hysterical distress immediately. Exasperated, I exclaimed, "Great, now you're going to make yourself sick again!" and stormed out.
Okay, I'm not proud of the way I handled myself in the face of her pain. I wish that I had got out of bed to help her at 7:30, and I certainly wish I hadn't lost my temper and said those things when she was angry at me after I woke. However, she won't talk to me anymore. She swears that she'll never come to me for help again, that she'll never confide in me, and that I can't touch her without permission. That was three days ago, and she remains true to this conviction. I've grovelled, apologized, pleaded, reasoned and begged for her forgiveness. She hasn't changed her position at all.
I found my way to this forum because I desperately need some perspective from somebody outside of the situation. I don't feel like it's fair (to her) to go to a friend or family with the problem. The situation is so complex, and I want to protect her privacy. However, it is sometimes difficult for me to differentiate a legitimate level of anger from the kind of raging anger that's associated with her periods of delusional thought and history of post-traumatic response to her childhood pain. Does her response sound reasonable? Do I deserve to be cut-off permanently? Was my behavior as evil as she feels that it was, or is this the kind of thing that happens when lovers fight? Does it seem like a forgivable offense? Any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated.
