Have no feeling anymore

I'm 19, just started uni in england. Last girlfriend was Feb 09. It was short lived, she bailed for no reason other than blamin it on stress from school etc. Arguments went on for a month, I acted like a desperate twat, made an arse of myself. Sunk into depression and since then I have not tried to get in a relationship with a girl.

I've been crushed in younger years mainly due to my own fault; being nerdy and/or awkward and shy with the 1 girl (whoever it would've been at the time) while if I had just been myself as I was with my friends, everything would've been peachy. Happened a few times & I didn't forgive myself.

I'll get to the point:

I used to be able to love. My understanding of 'love'; That feeling where you thought about the person a lot. Most of the day. Flirting and hangin out with them was great, you looked forward to it, when you finally got the girl you were on cloud 9. Whenever they were with another guy you were crushed. You actualy felt it, a sinking kinda heartache.

Well, I don't have to worry about these things because I can't feel them anymore. Any of it. The excitement, the longing, the jealousy, the drive to get the girl, the intensity. All gone.

I just feel like I've been drifting through life for the past year, whilst having a very powerful & well paid job, being academically successful, planning my career; I'm missing the 1 big component required to be a genuinely happy individual.

I'm fairly attractive, tall, chilled out. Since March 09 I've been having 1 night stands, kissing random girls, getting some numbers, texting a bit, having casual, emotionless sex and I hate it. I feel like a dull human being inside. I'm very sociable but I just can't figure out what I've done to myself.

That last girlfriend back in 09, I think I blocked all emotion out of my life to do with love. I've become cold, calculating, too logical, too focused on other things. Like for a part of last year I lived with a model, liked her, got with her, then for some reason I bailed because I knew I was only living there for 1 year. I couldn't help it and I just walked away from it.

I always used to be a very artistic, emotional and romantic, passionate person and since, it's just been fading. I want to let go and just fall in love and **** it, if I get hurt who cares i'll heal, I want all the passion & action again. I'm fed up feeling like I just can't love anyone anymore.

Any ideas?

I think you need help to break down the enormous walls you have built to protect yourself from the kind of pain and disappointment you experienced in your younger life. Since the "emotionally safe" casual sex relationships no longer work for you, there is no good reason to hold on to them.

Find a good therapist who can help you with this. It seems like you are so entrenched that you won't be able to do it on your own.

Good luck.

Carl.

My advice would be first off not too put too much pressure on yourself. Real love comes around a couple times in your life. Not every relationship reaches to the same level. It doesn't happen every year or even every 2 or 3 years. Finally, hang around different girls. It sounds like you are a good looking guy and probably date good looking girls? Branch out a little bit. Look for different types of girls. Girls who have interests different from girls you have previously dated, girls with different personality types. Have you dated a girl who plays sports for example? A girl who is shy? It could be meeting the wrong type of women. Get to know some other girls. Try to start out a friendship with a girl who is not your type. Meet her friends, swap relationship stories, give it time!

Have you seen a psychiatrist or been diagnosed with depression? I've gone through basically exactly what you've described, including the artistic bit. I can't write or play music anymore.

Medication may help you out if you need it, but that'll not cure everything. I can't do the emotionless sex either. It's not fun at all. So I've stopped all together. I don't let myself get involved with someone unless I really feel passionately about them. It means going through stretches of being single and not feeling inspired by any women I meet, but left feeling genuinely happy all the while.

Try hanging round women who share your same interests and passions. A genuine connection may be all you're missing.

I've been through phases of what you're describing, but it sounds like it's lasting much longer for you than it did for me. I don't feel qualified to tell you what you should do about it, but I think that recognizing it as a problem and looking to fix it is an awesome first step. I wish you luck b^_^d

Yeh, that's it really. Seems like most women I've met recently don't create that spark of attractin that I used to get. As for psychiatric help or meds, I've never been diagnosed or even went to a therapist of any kind. Too afraid or too proud to do it. I can't even talk to anyone about this, hence why I'm online seeking insight from people like you. I dunno man, I've left it so long thinkin everything will come round again but it just hasn't. I feel alone in the world, regardless of family and friends, life is just surreal all the time.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by testing123 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Yeh, that's it really. Seems like most women I've met recently don't create that spark of attractin that I used to get. As for psychiatric help or meds, I've never been diagnosed or even went to a therapist of any kind. Too afraid or too proud to do it. I can't even talk to anyone about this, hence why I'm online seeking insight from people like you. I dunno man, I've left it so long thinkin everything will come round again but it just hasn't. I feel alone in the world, regardless of family and friends, life is just surreal all the time.

---

I did the same thing. I didn't see a doctor until I was 25 and that was only because I knew something was wrong when I couldn't even do ordinary things. It's made a huge difference.

I'm not saying you've got what I've got, but if it's been this persistent I'd say it's at least worth a punt, yeah?

It could be as much as the people you're round. When I'm living in America I rarely feel passionate about any women I meet. When I'm living in England or France I fancy loads more. It's cultural reasons for me. If you're passionate about art, hang out with artists. Maybe that'll kick things off again.

I just have it in my head that im not worthy of a therapists time. Dunno what to do with myself. I wanna meet artists again as I got to do that for a bit last year and they 'got' me. I could be myself. Times like this I wish I was doing a BA rather than a BSc. Would I be right in thinking that joining clubs & societies would be a good way to meet women because I don't have the right state of mind to walk up to random girls at bars at the minute.

Yeah, that's actually a great idea. Go meet some new female friends at school. Interests groups help to bring similar people together, kinda does some of the work for you. To be honest, I think you're just still in recovery from your last heartbreak. I mean it takes some people 3 or 4 year to completely recover. Seeing a doctor wouldn't hurt, unless they misdiagnose you. (happened to a chick i know) Keep ya head up though, it'll get better.



P.S.
I'm fairly attractive, tall, chilled out. Since March 09 I've been having 1 night stands, kissing random girls, getting some numbers, texting a bit, having casual, emotionless sex and I hate it. I feel like a dull human being inside. I'm very sociable but I just can't figure out what I've done to myself.
Made me chuckle because I'd really enjoy that lifestyle right now lol.

Dear, please claim down and take a hard look at yourself! You are experiencing hormonal changing stage in life, you have a lot of passion and energy you need to let out, so you jump from one fling to another. But in the end, you are tired by such act because u realised that no one actually cares whether you are dead or alive in such flings. If you have a matured mind, you will understand that real love takes time to build and it is unwise to carry on such acts! You are still growing as an adult so why not, established yourself well in work first! When you are ready for true love, true love will come and stay! You are what you attract!!! If you are not getting what you want, you are not sending the right vikes!!! Simply as that!

Just my 2 cents!

When diagnosing depressive episodes, psychologists always pay attention to exactly the kind of numbness that you're talking about. Not being really interested anymore in activities that you used to enjoy, not being able to feel strong emotions anymore, it's all very typical for a depressive episode.

How to get over that? Well... talking to a psychologist would be the best and healthiest sollution off course, but since you don't want that... try forcing yourself to do exactly the kind of artistical and creative activities that you say you used to do but don't bring you the same satisfaction anymore. At first it'll feel kind of unnatural, but you'll see that after a while the passion will come back. Creative activities stimulate the right side of your brain, the same side that is involved with emotions. Be prepared, however, that when your emotions come back, some negative emotions may also come back. When that happens, don't get all helpless, be happy to feel again and pay attention to those negative emotions instead of trying to block them out. You may have realized by now that it's impossible to just block out the negative emotions, the numbness is the prize you're paying right now for trying that before.

PS: I'm a psychologist, but you should NOT see this as an official psychological diagnosis. No-one can ever diagnose anyone without having talked to that person and seen him or her in real life.

Thanks man, I'll give it a shot. Hell, if I even felt some of the feelings associated with drama of relationships etc. I would actually be happy to feel again anyway. OK I'll create some more art tonight.