"Love is Selfish" - Internet Community Help Me Out!

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14-11-10, 01:46 PM
love-is-selfish

"Love is Selfish" - Internet Community Help Me Out!

This is what I txted her this morning, after I ALMOST allowed myself to tell her how I feel about her over msn. (Don't worry I stopped myself before I got far).

I've spent the past few hours reading through the threads on this website, and have decided I should post here, even though I will likely hear exactly what I don't want to hear. -- And will likely ignore it, or continue to try an justify why I should continue pursuing.

I'm not going to go into to much detail, as I previously did, and the post became way to long...

Basically this girl, I haven't been able to get her out of my head for 3 years. We used to stay up talking till 3 in the morning, she was always excited to see me. There has been a few times where I have decided to stop talking to her and try to avoid contact with her, as when i'm around her, it's all I can think about. She always ends up reaching back out to me and dragging me back in. Take this year for example about 8 months ago I stepped off, as conversations with her got really hollow, and she wasnt initiating them anymore. A few months ago she emailed me, and said that we were really good friends and she didn't know what happened. I got dragged back in, anyways for the past few months we have been hanging out alot, and she claims she likes to hang out with me. When i'm hanging out with her, my mind is clear and empty it's peaceful. When i'm not around her my mind just spins, about her, about what I should have said, about what I should have done differently.. I really enjoy spending time with her.

Now the thing is, she apparently really likes this other guy, she claims she knows how I feel about her... And tells me she feels the same way about him. I don't think she really knows how I feel about her, as she's only known this guy for a few weeks and is already throwing her self at him.

Anyways I've told her I want to talk to her in person, and tell her how I feel about her. That way I'll know she knows how I feel, and she can in turn tell me how she feels. That way we have a complete understanding, and I'm not left wondering. She's told me she doesn't want to talk about it, because it will make things ackward for her.... Yet atm, things are extremely ackward for me. IMHO I think talking to her about it, will either strengthen our friendship (if that is really what she wants). It will also help me step back, because I won't have that constant question in my head, what if I had told her, would she feel differently.

So do you guys think I should go through and tell her? OR will that ultimately extremely confuse her, and make things really ackward for her? This action is purely selfish, because she takes up so much of my thought process -- And I can't live like that, I can't focus on anything else.

Let me know!

Thanks!
14-11-10, 01:46 PM
love-is-selfish

Trimmed see first post...
14-11-10, 03:13 PM
MerryH

No offense, but not many people are going to read this whole thing. You might want to trim it down quite a bit if you want a good number of replies.
14-11-10, 11:13 PM
love-is-selfish

Quote:

Originally Posted by MerryH [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

No offense, but not many people are going to read this whole thing. You might want to trim it down quite a bit if you want a good number of replies.

Took your advice :)
15-11-10, 06:57 PM
MerryH

Whenever a guy has a crush on a girl who he's been "just friends" with for a long time, I think it's best for the guy to start slowly and to just ask her out on a romantic date. You'd have to pretty much spell it out for her that it's not just friends hanging out, it's actually "a date." That way, if she doesn't see you as a potential boyfriend, she'll say no and you can continue as friends, if that's what you want. What would make it awkward is you professing your love for her and putting all this pressure on her to commit to you. If she says no to a date, then you know you have to forget about it.

And stop being "dragged in" to a friendship that isn't good for your emotions. If you decide to stop talking to her, be firm in your decision.
15-11-10, 11:16 PM
love-is-selfish

My goal is not to press my feelings on her and try and force her into a commitment, that wouldn't work out in the slightest. But after talking with a few friends (male & female), they think I should atleast tell her exactly how I feel... That way I can gauge how she feels, and get closure to any hope that something could/does exist. Ultimately being friends at the moment is really ackward for me, because I always have this urge to want to tell her, and it prevents me from getting comfortable and being myself around her. If I can get that off my chest, I don't see why I wouldn't be able to respect her as a friend, and continue to hang out with her, in a comfortable manner.

If from the conversation it's clear that she doesn't think of me in the same way, and never has. Then atleast that question in my head that bothers me, I can bring to an end. Hopefully sooner rather then later, moving on.
16-11-10, 12:45 AM
RdHrshyKss

it sounds to me like she looks at you as just a friend...a means to boost up her self-esteem when she isn't attached to anyone at that moment. when someone else comes into the picture, that's when the conversations "become hollow" and she doesn't initiate anymore.

i think this girl knows that you have feelings for her, hence the reason she is always coming back to you when she's in a dry spot relationship-wise. i would do what MerryH suggested. ask her out on a date and see what she says. my bet is that she'll say no...and when/if she does say no, then just leave it at that...don't pursue it further.

don't throw your feelings at this girl because (my guess) there is a 99.9% chance she is going to reject you. you have been labeled as a "friend". she knows you like her, and initiates conversation with you after awhile of you guys not speaking when she is feeling lonely and wants some attention. she's not worth the effort in my opinion because she already has a pretty selfish outlook on your friendship. talks to you when it's convenient for her and is taking advantage of your feelings for her. and even though you haven't come forward and told her how you feel, i'm pretty positive she knows. girls are good at picking up those kinds of signals.

if you are ok with just being friends, then fine. but if you aren't, i'd limit contact with her and keep conversations away from feelings/relationships etc.
16-11-10, 12:51 AM
Applesauce

Some people need to be taught a life lesson the hard way. Tell her how you feel. Then learn from your mistake
16-11-10, 01:06 AM
RdHrshyKss

Quote:

Originally Posted by Applesauce [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Some people need to be taught a life lesson the hard way. Tell her how you feel. Then learn from your mistake

i think you're right ;)
16-11-10, 01:16 AM
Poetic_Partner

"...I've told her I want to talk to her in person, and tell her how I feel about her..."
She seems to know already. Granted, she doesn't know the specifics, but she knows.

"...That way I'll know she knows how I feel..."
Don't count on that! First, you can't know what she will read into anything you tell her. Second, you'll always have doubts as to whether you could have said it better.

"...she can in turn tell me how she feels..."
Don't count on that either! She may have a heart-to-heart with you, but likely she'll say "aww that's sweet, but...".

There's nothing to be gained by it, IMHO. She knows you have feelings for her. She knows how to contact you (and has in the past). All you can do from here is be a friend and hope she'll come around.

-PP
16-11-10, 06:03 AM
love-is-selfish

Quote:

Originally Posted by RdHrshyKss [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

...a means to boost up her self-esteem when she isn't attached to anyone at that moment.

Do you think she consciously is aware that she does that? - Uses me. Do you think she realize that is wrong, and does it anways?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Applesauce [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Some people need to be taught a life lesson the hard way. Tell her how you feel. Then learn from your mistake

Ya talking with friends over the past couple of days, and others in general, has really opened me up to my mistakes. How to over come them in the future.
16-11-10, 11:05 AM
RdHrshyKss

Quote:

Originally Posted by love-is-selfish [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Do you think she consciously is aware that she does that? - Uses me. Do you think she realize that is wrong, and does it anways?

she might not be fully conscious of it, but it doesn't take a genius to realize when you're taking advantage. just keep your distance emotionally. don't allow her to use you anymore.