A Not So Welcome Home

After asking friends and family for advice, with none of it working, I've decided to bring this more public for some advice. It's a long story....


My ex and I Megan met in college and started dating senior year. I went on active duty in the Army, and she moved to Atlanta, which was a short distance away from where I was posted originally. During that time, we had a good relationship and saw each other as much as possible. At some point during that time I was there I felt that things were going too quickly, and I decided to take some space. This lasted about two weeks, and then we were back together doing fine. We fought on occasion as most couples do, but otherwise we were good.

Fast forward to the end of 2008. I'm prepping to go to Ranger School. During the past few months, she has been talking about an old friend of hers. Always talking about how he's a pilot (or going to be one) in the Air Force. Her dad was a pilot in the Air Force. So this whole time I'm getting these feelings that somehow I should have been a pilot because I'm obviously not living up to something. True story. In a hail of screaming, crying, and other mixed emotions she confesses to me a month before I'm going to Ranger School that she is going to Ohio to visit mr. soon-to-be-pilot. She breaks things off. I am CRUSHED. Emotionally broken. I beg her not to go. She goes anyway. I vow to be the man she wants to be, and win her back. She swears nothing happened up there and wants to continue things with me. I go to Ranger School and find out on my 8 hour pass that when she had gone to see him a while back, she slept with him. Surprise! Motivation to finish Ranger School. Well I finished anyway. I was upset, but it was months in the past after we'd been together again. She wrote to me every day for 110 days that I spent in Ranger School and when I got out, we'd somewhat reconciled things. Fighting escalates, though.

Fast forward again to May 2009. I've moved to North Carolina. We are on a break and I have just met someone, Stacy in July, but Megan and I are still talking every day and I'm still very grateful to have her in my life. I find out I'm deploying to Afghanistan. She comes to visit the last weekend I have in the US. The weekend goes terribly and the last words out of my mouth are "I'll see you in a year," as she leaves to get on the plane. Stacy and I continue talking. For the first 3 months of my deployment, I kept in touch with Megan and we talked fairly regularly with some serious emotion. I told her every day I still loved her. On or around the 3rd month, I realized that things were getting more serious with Stacy. Megan had said she had been on a few dates and whatnot, so I told her about Stacy. Megan cuts me off completely.

Meanwhile for the next 4 months, I am without phone or internet. Almost daily, I receive packages and letters from Stacy. Still with Megan on my mind, though, I get a chance to make a call on New Years and decide to call Megan. She has been on my mind every day. Megan tells me she is dating someone and does not want to talk anymore. Heartbreak.

Seeing Megan again becomes my greatest motivation for making it home. I write her a letter once, and promise myself that I will deliver it to her if I come home. April 2010 Megan sends me a facebook message (we were not friends on fb at the time) saying she has seen my pictures (from my mid-tour leave) and it looks like I'm having a good time (I'm assuming she meant with Stacy since she came with me). She reinitiated contact. I respond a month later when I get the message saying that I hope she is well and gave her some news about one of our mutual friends who was seriously wounded. She never responds.

July 2010 - she sends another message...filler material mostly, but again, she initiated contact. I know better, so this time I don't respond. I'm truly trying to focus on Stacy and be happy with life. I dream about Megan nearly every night.

September 2010 - I come home. I start not sleeping well at night, and often have extremely real dreams of Megan. I had made two promises to myself. One was that I would buy a boat and the other was to deliver that letter. I go down to St. Simon's, GA to look at a boat there. Atlanta isn't that far away (only 250 miles) so I call Megan up randomly to see if she wants to have lunch. I lie and say there is a boat nearby I am going to look at. She says she would love to have lunch. We get together for lunch and, again, I know better. I play it cool and she is asking about Stacy, and also tells me about a new guy, Brandon, that she is dating. By the middle of lunch she is crying and saying "do you know what its like to be with someone but completely love someone else?" Still, I play it cool. I know better, though my heart is beating about 1000 beats a minute and I'm dying to just hug her and pour out my heart. I don't. We go to get ice cream afterwards. She keeps complimenting me on how good I look and how great my life sounds. Money in the bank right? No. Stupid me, with my promise to myself, decides to break down and do what I said I would. I drop her off at her place, and before I am about to leave, I try to bring out the letter, along with a book that I thought would help her understand (Its called The Things They Carried if you're wondering), and some old letters and a picture of her I'd carried with me every day. I can't hold it in anymore. I break down. In tears I give her the things, and tell her that I'd hoped every day for this moment and that I still love her (its true). She hugs me and says she still loves me too. I try to kiss her. She pulls away and says "you're a better man now," and goes to church with Brandon. I call her that night after church to try to talk to her about what happened. She says she wants to see where things go with Brandon.

October 2010 - I'm back in Atlanta and text her to see if she wants to get together again. No answer. Call. No answer. Stacy and I put up that we are in a relationship on facebook (we have technically been dating for a year and some change now...). Megan puts up that she is in a relationship with Brandon the week following. I have never heard from Megan again. She never said what she felt about the book, the letter I wrote, or anything. The thought of seeing her again...that moment...was all I thought about for an entire year, and she doesn't even have the dignity to respond to me? What is happening??? I have just told Stacy all of this and regardless of how well Stacy treats me...my heart was somewhere else and I couldn't do that to her anymore. Even when I was with someone, I was still alone....because I want Megan. What am I supposed to do?

I don't want to make light of your situation, but your story sounds like a gothic romance novel. I never saw two people in love so hell-bent on not being together... for no good reason.

I rarely advise posters in here to dump their existing relationships to be together, but here it makes sense. With her feelings for you, Megan's no good for Brandon. With your feelings for Megan, you're no good for Stacy. Assuming that the pilot is completely out of the picture, and that Megan doesn't have a wandering eye, everyone would be better off (including Brandon and Stacy) if the two of you admitted that you should be together. Then everyone can get on with their lives with the best chance of ending up with the right person!

You took the right first step ... letting Stacy go. Now it's Megan's turn to do the same for Brandon.

Good luck and thank you for your service.

Carl.

That's the problem. Megan wants nothing to do with me and won't ditch Brandon. She hasn't said a word to me and won't return calls/texts/e-mails because she wants to see where things go with Brandon. This one is somewhat out of my control....

Anyone else?

My gut feeling is that she loves you but her head thinks that you guys are better off not seeing each other (I don't know why), so she is not responding. I also think one day she will reach out to you. Do you think you can last till that day? Is it worth it?

Take Care

I think it would be worth it, yeah. And as far as lasting until that day I mean...my love for her isn't going to die or anything so I'm not worried about that...but can my heart keep my mind at bay for that long? Who knows.