My boyfriend lied repeatedly about past with ex -- they are still married!!
Long story, but I really need help: When I first met my serious boyfriend a 13 months ago to the day, he said he was living on his own, never married, had a couple serious relationships with the last ending about 2 years prior, etc. Well, a few weeks later on IM, he told me that he actually married his first serious girlfriend in 2005 and it lasted about 5 months because she had cheated on him prior, so they divorced. I felt betrayed by his lie, but I didn't think it was that big of a deal. He also supposedly had a female friend living with him at the time, who had just broken up with her boyfriend and needed a place. He got her to leave soon enough.
We almost broke up about 4 times from January to August for various reasons, mainly either I was simply unsure or he was simply unsure about whether our relationship was the best thing for us. Two months ago, a month before our 1 year anniversary, I checked his phone bill online because he is graciously paying for my cell phone right now. I saw three phone numbers, called the third, and heard her voice on the voicemail. My heart beas rapidly, I felt betrayed, etc. I confronted him and he tried to break up with me, saying stuff like he isn't a good person, he lied to me, etc. I convinced him to tell me what he was lying about, so he told me that after he and his ex separated supposedly in 2005, they didn't get divorced for financial convenience and he's just paying for some stuff because she doesn't have a lot of money. I convinced him that we could work on things and I could learn to trust him again and that he made a mistake by lying, but it wasn't a big deal -- he would get the divorce, etc.
Well, a few weeks later, my nosy stepdad did a background check on him (unofficial, since he didn't have my boyfriend's permission). The check came back to show no criminal record, but that his house (which he bought late 2007) had her name on the deed and both she and my boyfriend were listed as unmarried. I didn't tell him this right away as I planned to do some "detective" work first. I tried texting his ex (bad idea; I was a bit in shock), which led him to ask me about that. I told him what came back on the background check and he was mad that my stepdad did that, but merely said that he didn't know why it said they were unmarried, just that her name would be on the deed because they never divorced.
Well, I tried working on the trust thing, and it was getting better. Every weekend day I didn't see him, suspicions would crawl in my mind and I would strategize ways to find out the truth, but then talking myself out saying I should just believe him, etc. Well.. yesterday, I borrowed his laptop for a bit, and I couldn't take it anymore, so I opened his MS outlook and did a search for her name on all emails.
-- She had been living in his house from 2007 to whenever
-- They married August 2008
-- They were together at least until September 2009, 1 month before I met him
-- She attended a family gathering of his, with her arm around him in 1 photo, just a week after he and I first kissed
While I read these emails, I "knew" we had to break up, because he lied so many times, and how could I ever trust him after this? In this period of time, I began to become very sad but at the same time, think of all the things I could do with my life not being with him, and the things I had wanted prior to him. This made me sure of breaking up with him, until..
I confronted him and he admitted to all of it, explaining these things by saying that most of what I knew was true, except for the timeline. He said that things just weren't working out. He explained the lack of connection years after she cheated on him, that he married her mostly because she and his parents and her parents wanted them to, that he was so cold to her and regretted this so much because it hurt her. He said she would stay up crying downstairs on the couch for an hour before she fell asleep, and he would just be in bed listening and not doing anything about it. He said that his girlfriend (who he previously told me was with him for about 7 months in 2007) was actually a 3-4 week rebound in between the time his ex left and he met me, and that it really was his female friend living with him when I first met him; his ex moved out in September, but they kept it a secret for a bit.
He said that sometimes he doesn't know if he's going to make it to the next month. How he doesn't know how to BE, just by himself. That he doesn't know how to live independently from her and he works longer hours because he hates coming home to an empty house. She still has feelings for him, but she's okay with the divorce; they've talked about it. He said he doesn't want to be with her, but sometimes he wonders if they could have made it work, if he could have tried harder, and that that makes him sad. He says he doesn't wish he was back with her, just he had done it differently, and he regrets his mistakes immensely.
He went on to explain that I am not a rebound, because he wasn't looking for anything. He explained how he met me and fell in love with me accidentally in a way, which I already knew. After he told me the real story of how things happened with his, ex, I believed him like I never had before, because I sensed a realness in his story. The timeline I'm still not sure of, because of the photos of the family gathering and the female friend living with him and him lying in the past, but those things don't matter to me. They don't matter because I believe the important stuff.. finally. I can sense that he told me more of the truth than he ever had before. The thing is, he lied repeatedly because he lied in the beginning and he didn't want me to leave him for it. I forgave him yet again, and we are still together, but there are some issues running through my head right now.
Is he really over what happened? He said he still needs to move on from what happened and get over it (but at the same time, he didn't love her at the time they separated. It was more comfortability and he had gotten used to her for 10 years)
Is this what I even want? I think about those thoughts I had about an alternate future, away from him while reading the emails, and I wonder if that's a sign.
Are the lies too much to handle? Is he trustworthy?
These are the main ones. ANY advice is very much appreciated. I am at a crossroads, and I don't know what to do at this point. It's not going back and forth so much as knowing how much I love him and wondering if we can make it work, or if we should try.
