Long distances/Possible rebounds - Need help on how to proceed

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17-11-10, 09:08 PM
NG85

Long distances/Possible rebounds - Need help on how to proceed

My girlfriend of 2 years and I decided to take a break about 2-3 months ago. Most of our relationship was long-distance, first 3 then 6 hours apart, but we managed to make it work, and in the process fell in love and became best friends. She moved 6 hours away over the summer, and we had to see each other less and less, which caused issues - Although there was a chance she'd move closer soon. She also took up some political and social causes which made her happy, but I didn't take up these causes, and there was some tension caused by that.

About a month into our break she asked to call it off completely. I agreed, really only because I was enjoying my new freedom. But the breakup began to really hit me a few weeks ago and I realized how much a part of my life she was, so I decided to ask her to reconcile - Turns out she was dating a new guy. I got some info from her, and it turns out he lives 3,000 miles from her and they had only met once when he flew to visit her. It bugged me that she said our distance was too much, but that it was okay that this guy lived 10 times further away. I also found out they were pen pals while we were still dating through a website which dealt with her newfound social causes. After we broke things off she quickly ran to him, and they're even talking about moving in together next year (So they're already thinking about being together long term). This reeked of a rebound, and I don't know if they can keep this up. But I ended up crying to her, begging her to reconsider my offer of trying again, with no luck. Our fight ended civilly, and we've only spoken once since - Prior to the fight we were still friendly.

I've been avoiding AIM and Facebook so that I don't have to see her or think about talking to her, and I've been focusing on my career and trying to go out and have fun. If I go out and do something, I make sure to post photos or talk about in on Facebook so that she knows I'm not sitting around feeling depressed - Whereas I can assume she's in contact with her guy all the time, so she's just staying home on the computer and not going out and having fun (As evidenced by the fact that she updates her blog 10 times a day and is on AIM all night).

I still don't feel like I have closure, though, and even though I've tried being friendly to her I don't feel like I've come off as the better, stronger person because of my freak out last week. I've considered mailing her a short hand-written note which says I'm happy for her and that I wish her the best in a way to show that I'm not bitter. I still really want to try and work things out because I realized how much I took her and her love for me for granted. Her new relationship is moving very fast, and knowing how she is I wonder if this new guy can keep up with her emotions. A 300 mile trip and a tank full of gas used to be too much for her - I wonder how she can handle a 3,000 mile trip and a several hundred dollar plane ticket.

Not only did I lose my girlfriend who I loved very much, but I also lost my best friend. She told me she's going to go visit him in about 2 months, and I sincerely wonder if there's any way to get on her good side and try and patch things up before then...And if it would be a lost cause once she returns from the trip.

I haven't spoken to her since Saturday, and I was thinking of waiting a week or 2 before sending out a letter. She had always wanted me to send her hand-written letters, but I never did because I was always afraid of not saying the right thing. I'm hoping that sending her a note through mail will trigger some kind of feelings. I also used to draw her little cartoon characters, and I wonder if just doing a quick doodle of a cartoon on the bottom would be a nice touch.

Thanks for listening, and any advice is much appreciated!
18-11-10, 02:55 AM
madotnw_nihs

I don't know how to put it gently, but it sounds like she is gone. With what you wrote, it seems she has no interest in a relationship. I wouldn't even bother with the letter, as there is nothing wrong with being bitter. I'd say just look for a new relationship.
18-11-10, 10:10 AM
NG85

Quote:

Originally Posted by madotnw_nihs [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I don't know how to put it gently, but it sounds like she is gone. With what you wrote, it seems she has no interest in a relationship. I wouldn't even bother with the letter, as there is nothing wrong with being bitter. I'd say just look for a new relationship.

Thanks for the help, Madotnw. I decided this afternoon to completely cut off contact with her, unless she contacts me first. I felt like no contact was a sign of defeat, but if she cares it's up to her to reach out to me. Otherwise I'll be working on improving myself and moving forward with my life.
23-11-10, 04:09 AM
therobby3

Break ups are hard man, especially when you still think you have a good chance of getting them back. I'm going through a tough one right now after 3 years of an awesome relationship. Personally the whole finding someone else thing would really piss me off big time. I know it has to be unbelievably confusing too, it sure does sound like it.

I know I personally HATE when people, especially relationships, have to make things complicated. Try and use the other guy as a reason to hate her. In my opinion, it's a lot easier to get over someone if you hate them obviously. I know hate isn't a good thing, but loving them sure isn't going to make you get over them any faster.

Try and leave being the good guy. Let her know that she's the one that threw you away and was left for someone else so quickly. Just hang in there and find things to look forward too.
23-11-10, 07:31 AM
LissaP

If you want her back, dont give up

I do understand your issues. You can see that its not the distance that she has an issue with. Dont give a great deal of energy to the new guy. Now that you've had some time apart you should both be thinking a little clearer. I saw an article online entitled How To Get My Ex Back Even When He Has Moved On. It included the steps you should take. If you do a search you should find it. Even though it talks about a guy, it was a unisex article. Go check it out and see if you find anything you can use.
24-11-10, 12:48 AM
NG85

Quote:

Originally Posted by LissaP [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I do understand your issues. You can see that its not the distance that she has an issue with. Dont give a great deal of energy to the new guy. Now that you've had some time apart you should both be thinking a little clearer. I saw an article online entitled How To Get My Ex Back Even When He Has Moved On. It included the steps you should take. If you do a search you should find it. Even though it talks about a guy, it was a unisex article. Go check it out and see if you find anything you can use.

Thanks for the info on the link, Lissa! I checked it out and there were some great tips.

There's one issue I've been thinking about a lot, though - I've gone almost 2 weeks with no contact, but prior to this we had been fighting a bit and I showed some jealously. I'm afraid the going no contact without resolving these issues was actually detrimental. A lot of sites and people I've talked to have said that it's best to go NC while you're on good terms with the ex, while others have said that if you were needy or took it hard that you should cut off contact right away, then apologize or try and see eye to eye once contact is re-instated. Our last conversation was friendly, but I did show some animosity towards her new relationship and our old relationship a few days before that.

So, I'm wondering if I should cut off NC now and mend things, then go NC again, or just keep going NC for a few more weeks and then try and mend things to get on her good side.