Best Joke Ever!!!

just thought i'd share this joke. probably one of the funniest ones i've encountered ;)...

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife". That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.

The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and
took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was aggitated and
asked her what was wrong.

"The busdriver insulted me" she fumed.

The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and
shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and
give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

A women walks into a bar, looking for a good time, but the bar was a little slow. So she sees a nice looking man at the bar goes up asks what he’s drinking. The man replies magic beer. The lady looks confused, so the man tells her about this beer. If I take a drink of it I can jump out the window and fly around the bar. The lady replies prove it. The man takes a drink runs up to the window, jumps out flies around comes back to the bar and sits down. The lady is amazed, she says ok try a gain. The man does. He comes back and sits down. The lady does not know what to think so she asks can anyone just do this? The man says yes with just one drink of the magic beer. She replies I want to try so the man asks the bar tender for another one of what he’s having. She gets it takes a drink runs up to the window jumps out falls to the ground and dies. The bar tender turns to the man at the bar and says "Superman, you're a real asshole when you are drunk."

One day a lady from the church had come over and had given a gift for all the wonderful sermons that her husband has given.

Mrs. Johnson had said, "Thank you very much but what is it?"

The lady said, "It is a Damn ham."

Mrs. Johnson looked shocked and said, "Don't speak that way to me, don't you know that I am the preachers wife!"

The lady said, "Yes, yes I know, but that is the brand name of the ham!"

Mrs. Johnson said, "ooh I see well thank you" and the lady left.

Later that night when Mrs. Johnson was cooking dinner the preacher came into the kitchen and said, "Mmmm! That smells really good! What is it?"

Mrs. Johnson said," Well thats your dinner tonight, some Damn Ham"

The preacher was shocked and said, "Don't speak to me that way! Don't you know who I am?"

Mrs. Johnson said, "Yes, yes! I know who you are! It is just the brand name!"

The preacher said, "Oh! I see! Well it smells great!"

That night when dinner was ready she had set it out on the table. The corn, mashed potatoes, rolls, and ham!

When the family sat down they said their prayers and began to eat. The preacher said to his wife, "Could you please pass me some of that Damn ham?"

The wife said "sure".

Then little Johnny said, "Oh shit, we can cuss? Pass the motherfukin mashed potatoes!"

Guy walks into a bar carrying a small bag. Sits down and lays the bag on the bar beside him, and it starts to move a little bit.

Bartender is curious so he ask "what's in the bag?"

Guy shrugs and pulls out a small piano and a man about a foot tall who sits at the piano and starts to play it. Guy then pulls out a magical lamp.

Bartender says "What's that some sort of magical lamp?"

Guy nods, "Yeah, but it doesn't work for shit. You can have it!"

Bartender says "Really? I can make a wish?!?" Guy nods and the bartender takes the lamp into the back and comes back a bit later.

A little time passes and then a few ducks start flying into the bar...then more and more and more...before long almost a million ducks are in the bar flying around.

Bartender is like "What the f*ck is wrong with this lamp!?! I wished for a million BUCKS"

Guy shrugs and says "Do you think I wanted a 12 inch pianist?"

A blonde texted me to ask "what does IDK stand for?" I texted her back "I don't know." She replied "OMG, NOBODY KNOWS"

i'm a girl and i find this funny...

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.

Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous..or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't
pout when I yell at them."

He said: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said: You wear briefs, don't you?

He said: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

She said: What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said: It's not my fault, I ran out of money.

He said: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said: Well, you succeeded.

He said: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said: Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said: Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said: I would, but you're never there.

He said: Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said: That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!