Live in boyfriend taking advantage of me?
First off I am hoping to only get mature- honest answers here. I don't need to hear "your bf is awful" etc etc. I am not here for that. I need a sounding board and I am not the kind of person who tells people about my relationship problems.
Me- 31
BF- 34
When I was a young adult my mother told me I was too hard on people- friends and relationships- that I set my bar too high and expected too much. She told me this when I was angry with a female friend one day for something (i don't remember what). I think I took that to heart because now I am always afraid of being mean or saying no. I am not the kind of girl most people would expect that from- I am the office manager where I work- I am attractive (i am told) and loving-
My question:
Basically I fell in love at the beginning of the year after a very, very bad 2 year relationship (abuse and cheating). <- A relationship with someone else.
I met my current bf and he was very nice and loving and told me all the right things- talked about marriage and kids and took me out on the best first date I've had in my life.
After a month he started staying with me a lot at my place. He had just moved to my state from another state when I met him and hadn't settled in yet so he was temporarily staying with his dad. He started staying over after that and he did it because I wanted it too. He didn't force it. We were both unemployed when we met but I had saved and was paying my bills. I think his parents helped him a little. Because I started out paying the rent (my place) it continued to be that way... now we both work. I make about 40% more than he does but all he has is a car payment. I pay all of the bills- which is about 1k a month total. I pay for all of our dates 95% of the time and I was okay with that but he doesn't help around the house at all. He is very messy and doesn't do dishes, make the bed or anything- really a sloppy person. I do everything including raise my 8 yr old daughter. I walk his dog, I do all of the household repairs- he is a maintenance man with a home building license but he never fixes stuff -tells me it's an apartment so I should call maintenance. I don't like to call maintenance so I do all the dirty repairs- garbage disposal repair, toilet issues, unclogging sinks- all of it. He sometimes takes out the trash but only when it's falling on the floor because it's so full or because it starts to smell horrendous. And even then it takes him 5 days more than it should. I cook all the meals and buy all the food. I do all the shopping and I help him carry the groceries in. I never ask him to do it alone even though I kind of think he should (three flights of stairs). I walk his dog during the week before and after work and I do the laundry.
Sometimes he complains that the he doesn't have clean clothes or that the dog hasn't gone out yet on saturday mornings because I get up at 9 and he sleeps till noon- he expects I will have walked his dog before then. His dog has peed on my floor like 50 times. He waits too long to take his dog out and usually I clean it up... I even paid for expensive carpet cleaning. It's a small dog so it's a small mess but it's still disgusting.
I know it sounds so terrible and it really hurts even typing this out. I think I know on a very real level that this relationship isn't fair and that he must not really love me, but he holds me like he loves me, kisses me like he loves me, he is great with my daughter, we have very loving sex and he is a very generous and considerate lover. Now he has delayed getting married because he says he is coming to terms still with the fact that I am divorced and have a kid and have had experiences already that will be new and fresh to him. He constantly tells me I am beautiful though and that I am his future wife (daily). He isn't saving for a ring. I am always afraid he doesn't have enough money to save but he keeps buying things like a pool table and a snow board- expensive motorcycle repairs. He tells me he does it for us so we have things to do together. It's always easier to think of the bad than the good when you're upset- but there really are a lot of good qualities about him. He'd never cheat on me- ever.
I need help in such a desperate way. I need sound advice. The few people I've talked to said, 'he sounds like a loser' but it isn't cut and dry like that. There are real feelings here and I truly love him and I think he loves me- I don't know if it's a maturity issue or what on his part. I think he really thinks he is a good boyfriend. He and I talked about relationship roles early on and he wanted a housewife who raised the kids and he wanted to be the one earning the living but he can't afford to earn our living but still seems to expect me to work 40 hours a week, do everything and raise my daughter. I mentioned a few things about this to my mom recently and she said, "Angel you're beautiful, smart, funny and very successful you could have anyone you want- a man who can afford to take care of his family and will dote on you and treat you like a princess." But it doesn't seem that simple to me. My first husband didn't love me and cheated (10 years) my second serious relationship was with an unattractive man who I was deeply in love with who let me pay for everything also and treated me like hell- was violent and physically hurt me a few times even. Now the stuff with this guy is happening. I feel like I must not deserve better. Every time I go into a relationship the man says he wants marriage and that I am the one (i haven't had a ton of relationships) but they all take that back after a few months and don't want to marry me (including my ex husband). I want to be a wife and I want more children. I feel bad about myself- almost like nobody will ever want to marry me and spend a life with me.
I am so full of hurt and I am so confused. If my boyfriend who treated me so well at first lets me pay for everything, won't get the ring (even though I think he really will marry me someday), doesn't help me with chores or repairs does that mean he doesn't really love me?
I am afraid of putting him out of my house too because I feel responsible for him. He is too poor to pay rent on his own- could probably survive with a room mate for sure though. I feel so guilty when I think of it.
Tonight he called me from work to ask me to get a six pack of beer for his friend who he wants to invite over after work- it was 9pm when he called and my daughter was in her pajamas and almost ready for bed- but I couldn't say no- what the heck is wrong with me? Why can't I say no? I wanted to say no but I couldn't.
Whatever advice any one can offer please do. I am hurting and confused and I don't know if the problem is that I expect a man who will do everything 100% correctly or if the problem is that I am not respecting myself by being with this guy. Like I said... I was told I expected too much a long time ago and at this point I don't know the difference.
Thank you for reading this. Really- thank you.
